Proverbs 30:15-16 (NIV): “15… There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, ‘Enough!': 16 the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’”
Yesterday morning when I woke up I remembered how I felt while I was pregnant. So vividly I remembered every detail as if I was still pregnant. And I missed it. I really missed feeling like that – the anticipation, the joy, the hope, the full feeling in my tummy and the fact that it was ever so slightly starting to become a little bump… I really enjoyed being pregnant. I loved it… But I dismissed the thoughts and tried to forget all about it.
When we got to church the preacher said he wanted to start by reading from Psalm 139. Now I know this Psalm very well and I love it. But the preacher said: “Now this Psalm is not only for expectant mothers, we must look at it all and see the wonder of how God created each and every one of us.” Now that is true, but his words felt like a dagger through my heart. That phrase stuck in my mind. Expectant mother – How I wish I can be an expectant mother! The part he is referring to is off course the following:
Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV): “13For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
When the preacher was finished he asked: “what was the most memorable moment in your life?” Guess what flashed through my mind. The moment DH and I saw our first and only ever positive home pregnancy test. First we both looked at it in stunned disbelief. Then we looked at each other in disbelief. Then we both started laughing and crying with joy. We hugged each other and we were basically jumping up and down out of excitement on the bed. We were in total shock, but a good shock if you understand what I’m trying to say…
The preacher started naming examples of memorable moments: “The first day of school, or the last day of school, or your wedding day or the birth of your first born child…” By the time he mentioned the birth of your first born child the tears were rolling down my face… All I could think of was: “the barren womb is never satisfied”
I started to wonder about that – why is my barren womb not satisfied? I have asked God so many times in the past to take this desire away from me. I have tried to convince myself we are better off without children every time I thought: “this is it; I cannot take this pain anymore!” I have convinced myself that the children are better off not being born, because this world is an evil and wicked place and life is hard – maybe it would be better if they were never born. I know my one uncle and his wife, who live in the Netherlands, never had children and my mom says that he always said that was the reason.
All I know is I still have this yearning for a child of my own. A yearning for being pregnant and it doesn’t want to go away. But I must say: Even though I am sad, I’m not depressed. Even though it’s taken 11 years, I haven’t given up hope. All I can console myself with is this: maybe there is a reason God has not taken this yearning away from me yet…