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Posts Tagged ‘Feeling down’

I’ve wanted to blog about this topic for a while now and just when I got ready to sit down and write the post things changed and I felt that I cannot write about it, because what do I know after all? Well, things have changed again, for the worse, and then I got some awesome messages to confirm what I wanted to write about originally, so maybe, maybe it is the right time and circumstances to write about this.

In January I was at my wits end. The festive season had just ended and G-force was totally out of his routine. It was so hard to try to stick to any kind of routine when one is constantly either busy entertaining or invited to visit someone else. When we have visitors or when we visit other people G-force generally does not want to nap in the afternoon, and try as we might, he will fight and fight until we eventually give up. Often he also does not want to go to sleep when it’s his regular bed time.  Being out of routine also resulted in him not sleeping well during the night and many nights he would wake me up 2-4 times, often starting as early as 22h00 or 23h00.

By the middle of January I was completely exhausted and felt like I was going to have a breakdown. Well one night when he was once again struggling to sleep and it was 21h30 or so already I just started crying and said to the Lord: “Lord, I just cannot do this anymore! I am soooo tired! I need sleep, and I need to sleep right through the night! Lord, I give up. I have tried everything and nothing works! I don’t know what else to do. I just cannot do this anymore; I now give this over to you Lord, because I have no idea what to do…”

Eventually G-force went to sleep and I stumbled to bed and fell asleep immediately. Much to my surprise DH woke me up the next morning at 6h30 to get G-force ready for school. For the first time in what felt like forever I had slept straight from about 22h00 to 6h30. Immediately I thanked and praised the Lord because I knew it was only due to His grace. This was not a once off occurrence either. From that night G-force’s sleeping habits changed from waking many times a night most nights and only occasionally sleeping through the night to sleeping through most of the time and only waking up once and then only occasionally.

That was until the somewhere in the beginning of April. Slowly but surely he would start to wake around 4 or 5 in the morning and then often he would wake up anytime from about midnight to 2 also. Once again the nights where he slept through were few and far in between. I was at a loss. What to do, because last time we really did not do anything! How to fix this problem? I asked the Lord to help again, because let’s face it, it was thanks to His doing that things got better.

There was absolutely no explanation why G-force was waking up in the night again. We thought that he might be cold, because it was getting colder, but warming his room did not help. Eventually a week ago I finally figured it out.

G-force told me that there is something in his mouth that is hurting it. Sometimes when he has something stuck between his teeth he will come to me and ask me to remove it by flossing his teeth. He wanted me to do that again, but he was pointing to the back of his mouth where his one molar is. So I washed my hand and stuck my finger in there to pinpoint where the problem is as I couldn’t see anything and what do you know? I felt a new molar peeking through. Poor little guy, I barely touched it but he howled in pain. So now we know what is the most probable cause for the poor sleeping. But you know what? We’ve been giving him teething meds on and off already since that was one of the suspects already. We then started to give it to him regularly and even adding another kind, and it still did not work. In desperation I bought a Baltic amber teething necklace last week and he’s been wearing it since Thursday. So far no improvement yet…

Last night he woke up at 22h00, 1h30, 4h00 and about 5h30. Lately I’m also having trouble getting back to sleep once G-force wakes me, fortunately this morning it was at 5h30 and not one of the other times in the middle of the night… I cannot explain to anyone how tired I am. I’ve been feeling like a zombie for about a month already. DH tries to help, but G-force wants nothing to do with him in the middle of the night. He only wants me and he wants to nurse. He refuses everything else.

In January already, after the incident I described, the Holy Spirit reminded me of the following scriptures:

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (AMP):
“7 And to keep me from being puffed up and too much elated by the exceeding greatness (pre-eminence) of these revelations, there was given me a thorn (a splinter) in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to rack and buffet and harass me, to keep me from being excessively exalted. 8 Three times I called upon the Lord and besought [Him] about this and begged that it might depart from me; 9 But He said to me, My grace (My favour and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me! 10 So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful in divine strength).”

For the first time I really realized what Paul meant when he said; “for when I’m weak, then I am strong…” When we are weak and know it and rely on Jesus, not on our own efforts – that is when we are strong, not with our own strength, but the strength that we receive through God’s grace.

I knew all this yet it once again took quite some time to admit that I am weak, and that I need God’s grace to make me strong again…Last week I came to that point again, and I’m still there. Thankfully Abba, Father God is so merciful, and one morning I switched on the TV to watch a program on TBN, and God gave me three awesome programs to watch, the one straight after the other. The first one I watched was Cref.lo Dol.lar, the second one Joy.ce Mey.er and then the best one, Jo.seph Prin.ce.

I specifically want to mention the program of Jo.seph Prin.ce; it’s called: “Great Grace for your greatest weakness – Sermon # 352”. I can highly recommend that every single person reading this gets hold of this sermon and listen to it as many times as possible. He mentions Abraham and Sarah, Manoah and his wife and Zachariah and Elizabeth, and them being barren for so many years, and how in their weakest moments they were able to have a child, but not any child, these children had supernatural favour upon them. He also speaks specifically to people who have lost a child/baby or who have been barren and prophesies how we will birth champions, just like these people in the Bible did.

I was so grateful for this message – I’m sure God was speaking directly to me – as if he inspired Jo.seph Prin.ce to preach this message for me, but I know it’s not only for me, all of you who are reading this blog will also probably feel the same 😉 !

It’s not just the fact that I’m so tired that makes me feel so weak. I’ve felt weak too about conceiving our second child, and I’ve actually also gave that matter all over to the Lord a few weeks ago, as well as other areas in our lives, like our finances, my business and even raising G-force…

I cannot wait to see manifestation of God’s super abounding Grace in these areas!

(I thought I’ve blogged about Paul’s thorn in the flesh before, but it seems that I haven’t. Many people think that Paul’s thorn in the flesh is some kind of sickness caused by God to make him weak – that is not the case. Paul’s thorn was not God’s doing, and if you want to learn more about what it is then please read this message of An.drew Wom.mack)

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I’ve been feeling a bit despondent at times lately and the other night I read a chapter from Jo.seph Prin.ce’s latest book “The Po.wer of Rig.ht Belie.ving” on the Father’s love and that got me thinking…

I remembered one instance last year when they asked at G-force’s creche that we send them to school in their slippers on a specific day, as part of their holiday program. Only problem was that he did not own any slippers, and it was in the time that DH was unemployed, and to be honest G-force did not really need slippers since he wore onesies to bed and they all had feet on, so his feet were always warm and covered.

So I contemplated sending him to school with normal shoes and to just ignore the request. I mean he was 1.5 years old, surely he would not notice the difference? But then I thought, “What if he does notice and he feels like the odd one out?”

You see the thought of my little boy feeling out was just too much to bear, and I realized that I would rather go without food, than have his little heart unhappy. So I went to a few shops to look for slippers to see how much they were and one day I saw a cute pair of Spider man slippers on sale for R20 (that is less than $2), and that settled the matter for me, I bought them immediately! Thankfully I got them so cheap I did not have to go without food, but I was totally willing to sacrifice that just to keep my little boy happy.

***

Another time last year they wanted to have a picnic at the creche. I told DH about it and he said that I must buy extra things to put into the picnic basket (he was employed by then, so the cost was not such a big factor anymore), because we realized that many parents often forget such things and he was concerned that some of the little kids won’t be able to participate in the picnic. So I put in 6 tubs of yogurt, a whole string of packets of crisps, a big pack of sweets, a whole packet of cookies, etc. There was enough in there to feed at least 6 kids. When I told the teacher she was glad, because there were parents that forgot to bring the picnic baskets, and at the end of the day the basket was completely empty.

On Valentine’s Day this year they decided to have a picnic again, and I misunderstood the letter they sent home. There was a Valentine’s dinner at night which we weren’t going to and I thought the picnic was for the kids at the dinner, but it wasn’t – the picnic was during school time. So when I dropped G-force off at the creche and when the teacher asked where his picnic basket was, was when I only realized my mistake. The teacher ensured me it was OK; they would give him something from one of the other kid’s picnic baskets.

At first I thought that it’s not a problem, there is probably another mommy who did what I did the previous year and there would be plenty for G-force. But it kept bothering me and I realized that I had an unopened little juice box in the fridge, some crisps, sweets and some fruit in the house (this time only 1 of each) and I quickly put it all in a basket and took it to the creche. I got there just after 9h00 and the receptionist told me that they were just starting, so she quickly took it outside to G-force.

That afternoon when I went to pick up G-force the receptionist told me that when she got outside G-force was sitting there with just 1 little sweetie in his hand and looking not too happy, but when she came running and shouting; “Here is G-force’s picnic basket”, his little face just lit up. Well that had me in tears immediately! Just the thought that my little baby almost missed out on an enjoyable picnic, because I had made a mistake was just too much for me. I was so glad that I changed my mind and rushed to get his picnic basket to the creche. The receptionist was also in tears when she told me the story by the way…

***

Now for my last story of G-force: A few months ago there was a helicopter that flew over the area where we live and G-force’s school for quite a few hours. It started around 7h00 when I was getting G-force ready for school, and he asked me what it was that was making the noise. When we got outside I showed him the helicopter, and he asked me a few times what it was and I repeated the word “helicopter” every time he asked. I forgot about the incident and didn’t think about it again for about a week.

Then suddenly one afternoon when we got home, G-force pointed to an aeroplane in the sky (we live close to an airport so there are lots of aeroplanes to see here) and he called it a helicopter. I corrected him and told him it’s an aeroplane. For the next couple of days he pointed out a lot of aeroplanes and called them all helicopters.

The next Saturday DH went to watch rugby at a single friend’s house and since G-force was a bit sick I decided to stay at home with him and let DH go out and enjoy himself. G-force kept talking about a helicopter and asked to see one, but I was at a loss. How can I show him a helicopter? Then I remembered that I can go on to the internet with my phone and show him pictures and videos of helicopters. He was so happy!

So now we have a 2 year old who is obsessed with helicopters. He gets so excited if he sees one, but we don’t often see them in real life here. DH bought him a toy helicopter and he remembered he had a simple little remote control helicopter that he bought for himself years ago. G-force absolutely loves to play with both, and he can fly the remote control helicopter all by himself already.

The other night DH and I were talking about how much G-force loves helicopters and we both agreed that it would make him so happy to see a helicopter up close. We talked about how we would go to great lengths to treat our little guy by taking him to a helicopter and ideally we would love to be able to let him fly in one, but we don’t know where or how to do that. DH has spoken to a pilot he knows already, but he couldn’t help him since he works in a different field at the moment and doesn’t know any helicopter pilots. But we haven’t given up on the idea to somehow make G-force’s wildest imaginations come true.

He has never asked us to take him to one, or to let him fly in one, but we just know that is one of the things that would really, really make him happy, and to be able to treat our little boy and see him happy makes us happy. So we will try our very best to at least get him close to a real helicopter.

***

So when I read about the father’s love for us, I thought back to the above instances, and how much our little boy’s happiness and well being was of utmost importance to me. How just the thought of him being unhappy could get me in tears, and how much I’m willing to sacrifice for him, no matter what the cost.

And that made me think of the following verses:

Luke 11:11-13 (NIV):
11“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for[a] a fish, will give him a snake instead? 12 Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13 If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

It says here that we cannot compare as parents, to our Father in heaven. We think we may be good parents and treat our children well, and give them what they want or need, but how much more will our Father in heaven give us!

I know I am not a perfect parent – far from it. I think some of it can be seen in my stories above. I forget, or we don’t always have the resources to help, I make mistakes, I get tired and sometimes cranky, but thankfully our Daddy God is not at all like I am.

He has unlimited resources, He does not make mistakes, He does not forget, He is always there for us, and always willing to help us, also so much more than we can ever think or dream off.

Let me tell you, when I thought about all of this, I was in tears again…

I want to finish with this: To really know how much our Heavenly Father loves us, we need to know how much he sacrificed for us. He loves us so much that he gave his only Son, Jesus Christ, to be punished for all the sins and inequities of the whole world for all time. Jesus suffered terribly; he gave up EVERYTHING, for us. But you know what? He still would have made the sacrifice for you, if you were the only person on earth…

THAT IS HOW MUCH HE LOVES YOU!

Let me tell you, I certainly cannot even think to sacrifice my son for anybody else. Not even 1 person, never mind all of humanity (and thankfully we will not ever have to do that!).

Now don’t you think that if my little boy’s desires and happiness is so important to me, how much more is your happiness and your desires to our Heavenly Father!

I must say that night I felt very miserable. I had a head cold and I was not looking forward to going to bed, even though I was so tired because G-force had been waking a lot during the night again, because every time I laid down I had trouble breathing. Well this night I actually slept quite well. I can’t really remember if G-force slept through or maybe woke up once, but it was a lot better than the previous nights, but the best was that the next morning my head cold was so much better! All in all it took about 2 days to be fully healed and I did not take any medication! That is only by meditating on how much our Heavenly Father loves us!

The next night I was nursing G-force in his room just before bed time and I looked at his sweet content little face and I thanked God for this wonderful little boy of ours. I thought back to the revelation of His love for me, and I just prayed out loud: “Father, you know the deepest desires of my heart and you know how much I want another precious baby just like this one. Thank you that you love me so much that my desires are very important to you, and that Jesus has already made provision for our next baby. I just know our next baby is on its way, thank you Lord!”

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Well,  its eventually arrived.  Today is the day our babies should have been born according to the due date calculators and my FS.  I have been dreading this day for over a month now, and yes, I am sad, but I think I’m holding up better than I thought I would.  On the one side I just want to get it over with so that I can hopefully go on with my life, but somehow I don’t think the sadness will be just gone by tomorrow.

I had hoped to have been pregnant again by now…  But I’m not.  Hopefully I will be soon though…

On a different note:  Its International Blog Delurking week.  I know I have a lot more readers than those that comment often – I can see it on my stats, but I don’t know who you are!  I would love to get to know you all, so I’m asking that you comment and tell us a little about yourself!

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I am back!

Hello all!  Happy new Year to you!  I am finally back and able to post again.  We came back from holiday last Thursday, but then we were without internet connection until now.  Except for a short while once when I was able to logon for about half an hour.  I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on, and hopefully I’ll be able to read up on everyone’s news soon!

Our holiday was lovely, we had the best sunny weather, some days a bit hot, but fortunately we could swim in the sea, the lagoon and a pool as often as we wanted so it didn’t bother me so much.  We went to the north coast of Kwazulu Natal, to a little town called Zinkwazi, and we camped in the local campsite.  It was the first time ever we went there and it was really nice. 

It was quite busy, because it was over Christmas time, and a bit loud, but I think that is expected for that time of year.   I think if we would go again, we would prefer it out of season.  I was shocked to see many heavily pregnant ladies on the beach and there were even a lot of babies in the camp site.  I was naïve enough to think that they would not go on holiday with a tiny baby or so close to their due dates, but it seems it doesn’t put people off.  There was one day that I felt that I was surrounded by pregnant ladies, on to the left of me, one to the right and another walking right past me, and I actually couldn’t stop the tears from rolling.  Fortunately I was by myself so I could hide it…

The last few weeks have really been hard for me, I just cannot stop thinking about how far along I should have been or that our babies could have been born already.  I think I’m going through the whole mourning process all over again.  I was so upset on New Years day – we spent the day at my parents in law’s house and all day everyone was talking about people they know who are pregnant or want to get pregnant again and at one stage my SIL spoke about getting a tummy tuck, and my FIL said:  “Can’t you get pregnant before you go for your tummy tuck, and give us a little grand daughter?”  They only have 2 grand children – 2 boys, (the same SIL’s sons).  It was like a dagger in my heart – obviously they have given up on getting grand children from us…  They would rather try from the son who has a fertile wife, but who have said explicitly that they don’t want more than 2 children, and that their family is complete…

I know it was not meant maliciously, and I’m sure he doesn’t realise how hurtful it was for me to hear that.  But it still hurt so much…  DH said I shouldn’t get upset about it – it could have been worse – He could have asked me…  I don’t know what would have been worse actually…

Ok – I’ll stop with the self pity now.  Let me share something awsome that God did for us on our way back from holiday:  We had some misfortune, but God is so great!  He definitely gave us a helping hand and I can’t help seeing the silver lining to the dark clouds…  Because we went camping we couldn’t get all the tents and stuff in the car so we had a trailer that we borrowed from DH’s brother to put all our stuff in.  The day before we came back we realised this trailer’s spare wheel was flat, we tried to pump it, but then realised there was a huge gash in it and it cannot be repaired.  I told DH that we will just pray and believe that God will bring us home safely as a new one would have cost us a lot of money, especially if you take into account that it is for something that is not ours…

The journey back went well except for the last little bit, as we approached the last toll gate closest to our house, the trailer’s A frame or drawbar broke off completely.  (I’m attaching a picture so you can understand what I’m talking about)  It’s the part that is coloured green – it broke off on both sides under the body.

Fortunately we driving very slowly and it came to a standstill right behind our car without getting any damage to the trailer or our car or anybody elses car.  The other amazing thing was that it happened only 1 hour’s drive away from our home and DH was able to call his brother to come and help.  Also because it happened right at the toll gate they were able to use electricity from there and were able to fix it within 2 hours.  DH sent me, my sister and her 2 girls on home so at least we didn’t have to sit next to the road while they fixed it. 

Later I thought what could have happened.  The way back was long (700 km’s) and through some mountain passes and if that trailer broke loose anywhere else it could have caused a horrific accident, either to us or someone else.  So I’m incredibly grateful that God helped us out there.  I strongly believe it was the protective hand of God that  influenced the break at the most convenient place along the road.  Thank you God!  You are so amazing!

Even though I have been sad lately, I’m starting to feel better and I cannot wait for all the good things God has in store for us this new year!  I don’t want to lose out on any of the blessings He wants to give us!  I hope  and pray that we will all be blessed with a successful pregnancy or a live baby this year!

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I cannot help to think about what could have happened or what should have happened.  I’m talking about my pregnancy.  The due date (6 January 2011) is getting closer and closer and if I think about the fact that my pregnancy started out as a twin pregnancy, it just makes me realize that I would most probably not have carried them to full term, so I could have been very close to having those babies by now, should things have worked out differently.   I worked out yesterday that I was supposed to have been 35 weeks by now. 

Last year we went to visit my mom in hospital on Christmas day.  We first went to church and then we picked up my dad and went through to the hospital which was quite far from where we live.  My mom had her hysterectomy on the 23rd of December and she was the only patient in ICU at that stage.  It was incredibly quiet in the hospital, as it is a hospital that has mostly Gynaecologist’s and Obstetricians practising from there.  The only other people we could see were some new mom’s and dad’s leaving the hospital with their newly born little babies.   When I looked up how far I was supposed to be I saw that 38 weeks would have been on 23 December this year.  It is the same date my mom had her hysterectomy – emergency hysterectomy because she had cancer.  Her doctor did not want to take a chance on waiting until after Christmas or New Year; it had to be done immediately…

Now that we are getting close to Christmas I keep thinking about all this.  About how we could have had Christmas babies, but we are not having them.  How our family could have visited me in hospital with our babies this year on Christmas, or even better yet, we might have been home already!  And it makes me incredibly sad and angry!  I have moments where I just want to burst out in tears, most of the time at the most inappropriate moments, like social gatherings and in church, etc.  I am so angry at the devil for stealing and killing my miracle babies! He had no right to do that!

Christmas has been hard for me for so many years now.  I actually cannot remember when last I looked forward to it.  It’s been a stressful time for so long.  Firstly the issue of who do we celebrate Christmas with:  my parents or DH’s parents.  I know they love us and want us to spend the day with them, but what do you do when both want to see you at the same time? Try to divide it up as fairly as possible – but it is not always possible and not always seen as such by everyone!  It’s complicated by the fact that we have 1 brother and 2 sisters between us.  They also have to divide their time between their families and their in-laws and sometimes it doesn’t always work out that they can spend Christmas with our parents at the same time as we can. 

Then there are the presents – who do you buy for and who don’t you buy for?  Some people don’t buy presents for others.  Others put a lot of effort in to get us really nice presents. So I just buy for everyone, because I cannot buy something for some and not for others.  Even though it is quite expensive to buy for so many people, and because of that I really spend a lot of time trying to get nice presents at affordable prices, without it looking cheap… 

The last aspect and by far the hardest part are the children.  Christmas is the favourite holiday for children and they look so forward to it and opening up all the presents!  And every single time when it is time to open up the presents I think of how nice it would be to see our own children’s expectant faces!  This year is going to be the 12th Christmas where I will long for that! 

And then I start to think of the meaning of Christmas and why we celebrate it and I realize that it’s not fair to Jesus that I dread it so much!  God sent his Son to earth, as a helpless little baby.  Jesus gave up His place in Heaven, His Godliness, to be born as a little baby, not as the son of a king or someone important but as the adopted son of a poor carpenter.  He was not born in a hospital or a nice house or palace, but in a stable and put in a manger, a trough that farm animals eat out of. 

And He did all that for me!  So I have decided that although it is difficult, although it is painful, I must be grateful and at least try my best to enjoy and appreciate Christmas this year.  Not to dread Christmas although it has the potential to be the most difficult yet.  And I have decided that this Christmas the presents will reflect the spirit of Christmas – it will be about Jesus, everyone will get something that will remind them of what Christmas is all about.  I don’t  want it to be about the commercial aspect of it, the Santa Claus image, the wanting of as many nice gifts as possible, but about Jesus’ sacrifice that He made for each of us.  About how much Jesus loves each of us, or rather each of them, every member of our family.  I think not all will appreciate their gifts, because not everybody is a born again Christian, but I hope and pray that the Holy Spirit will work in their hearts that they may also give their lives over to Him!  That is especially the reason they are all getting these gifts this Christmas!

Ps.  I am not saying what they are getting, because you never know who reads this post!  It might be one of them!

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Psalm 18:28-36 (NIV):  28 You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.  29 With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.  30As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.  31 For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God?  32 It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.  33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights.  34 He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.  35 You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great.  36 You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn over.”

I cannot even begin to tell you how much God has helped me the last couple of months.  From being hopeless, sad and depressed to hopeful, happy and joyous!  The above verses describe how God can change your life so beautifully!  I found it the other day while doing Bible study and I thought:  “Yes!  That’s what God does for me!”

But let me tell you it is not as easy as a “feeling” that comes over you whenever God is near or when He takes pity on you.  No, I had to look for comfort and strength in His Word.  God is always near, but we don’t always “feel” it.  We have to “know” what God does, and the only way that can happen is to know God, and that means learning by reading the Bible or looking for messages of hope and comfort.  Those messages do not always find you.  Let me tell you there were days where I felt so hopeless and despondent that I had to look for a message of hope from God.  Sometimes it even took days to find it!

I have found that there are wonderful “secrets” in the Bible that were not always evident to me.  I’ve learnt so much in the last couple of months that I can’t believe I didn’t know it before, because I have read the whole Bible through from cover to cover before.  But the other night I watched a program from Joy.ce Mey.er and she talked about revelation and that it only comes from the Holy Spirit, and then I realized that was what made the difference – I have had revelation about a lot of things that I didn’t understand before.  Before those words didn’t mean anything to me, now I know what they mean!  I’m not saying I didn’t have revelation at all – there were times when I got a revelation, but it didn’t happen as frequently, because I was not actively seeking it.

Ephesians 3:9 (NIV):  9 and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things.”

1 Corinthians 2:9 (NIV):  9 However, as it is written:  No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him—“

Matthew 13:11-13 (NIV):  11 He replied, The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them.  12 Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.  13 This is why I speak to them in parables:  Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand.”

Do you remember the healing service we went to?  Well Pastor A talked about the secrets in the Bible.  He mentioned the above verses, and although I knew what he meant, I couldn’t even fathom what a difference it would make in my life to actually learn so much in such a short time!  The good news about these secrets is that it is available to all – God is no respecter of persons – he has no favourites and He wants us all to live a life of victory.  To share in the victory of Jesus Christ!  It is available to all; we must just be willing to put in some effort from our side!

But let me tell you – even though I have shared most of those revelations with you, unless you don’t get revelation on it yourself it might not mean much to you. O, I pray that the Holy Spirit gives revelation to all who read this blog, because I wish you all could experience what I’ve experienced lately!  I have certainly shared in the revelations of others and I have mentioned them all on this blog, so my wish for you all is that you can also have revelation about everything that affects your life!

But just a note of warning:  Revelation won’t help a thing if you don’t apply what you learn.  It is not just enough to “know” something – you have to act on it as well.

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Most often I do not really want to blog about my feelings, especially lately because I don’t want my blog to be a lot of whining about how sad I am or how depressed I am.  But I realised that you probably have no idea how I’m feeling with all that we are going through at the moment.  So let me try to be honest, but not too whiny…

Last week I was sick with the flu – I was down and depressed because I was not feeling well, and it didn’t want to get better.  DH even accused me of having the dreaded “man flu”!  Because I didn’t really feel like I was getting better, the depression got worse…  Thursday was the worst day – I woke up with a horrible dream – I dreamt that there was some kind of growth on the outside of my uterus, and that I had to have an operation to have it cut out.  It was huge and I was worried that it would be an ugly scar and that they would also do a full hysterectomy.  All I can remember is that I was terribly upset afterwards, because I could not imagine my life childless, because that would have been the consequence if I had to have a hysterectomy.  All day I just kept thinking that I don’t want to live my life childless…

Then later, for some reason I thought of the moment when we were at the doctor and he saw our baby’s heartbeat was slow.  I relived the whole appointment with everything the doctor said to us, and the next appointment where we were told that our little baby that we’ve been waiting for so long had not made it…  I remembered vividly our feelings of joy that we were eventually pregnant, our excitement about the progress of the pregnancy and we could not wait for January to come to meet our baby, and how those feelings were shattered in an instant!  I remembered the disappointment and sadness and the unfairness of it all.  We were so close, but also so far away from that dream… 

I guess that it’s quite obvious that I just completely broke down and cried and cried…  The thing that makes it so hard is the fact that we cannot go for another IVF soon…  If that was possible, I would have had some hope, but the only thing I can hope for is a natural miracle at the moment.  People also don’t seem to understand that we really cannot do another IVF – they keep asking me when we will do it again, and asking silly things like “have you thought of doing donor eggs?”  If we cannot do a normal IVF then a donor egg IVF is even more out of the question.  We over extended ourselves with the last IVF, we weren’t even supposed to do that one, so another one is totally out of the question!

Also – it feels like everybody else has forgotten about our baby and the fact that I was pregnant.  Everything is back to what it was before my pregnancy.   No one mentions it, or even asks me how I’m feeling.  It is assumed that I must be OK – and I’m not.  Most of the time I’m not OK.  I’m still incredibly sad, and I think of our babies often, I think often of how far pregnant I’m supposed to have been and how close the due date is getting. We would have known whether they were boys or girls or maybe even one of each.  I am often wondering if this is all I would know of being pregnant – if this was the closest I would ever get to being a parent…

The other thing that really upset me was Shumi’s health – his eye looked bad again.  There was a lot of snot coming out of it on Friday and Saturday – we were cleaning it about every 15 to 30 minutes.  He also had some difficulty breathing when he was lying down, gasping for air every few minutes. 

I had a lot of conversations with God – not blaming Him, but just saying over and over again that I know that is not His fault that we are going through all this, but the devil’s fault.  I know it was not His will that we lost our babies.  I know that He loves us, and every tear and every anxious moment is just as terrible to Him, than it is to us.  I know that His word is true and that his word cannot return to Him void.  I know that once it was said it has to happen.  So I know we are supposed to be healed.  I know that He is no respecter of persons.  I know He has no favourites and there is no reason why He would not help us.  I know we are not being punished and I know He never wanted us to be infertile.  I know that in God’s land none will be barren or miscarry and that He wants us all to have a full lifespan.  I know He will bless us more than any other people. I know He will take away sickness from among us. I know I am the apple of His eye…

Last night at church the message was about God’s love for us, and the minister kept talking about how some people perceive God to be an angry God that wants to punish us every time we do something wrong and he set out to prove from God’s Word that it is not so.  And I just knew that I’m long past that stage.  The thought doesn’t come up in my mind anymore.  I know God loves me more than anything or anyone I can ever love.  I know He is merciful and would rather forgive than judge or punish me. 

I realised that some things have become more than theoretical knowledge – it’s become something that I believe with my whole heart, and I don’t have to go back to those thoughts ever again.  I also realised that I have grown tremendously over the last few months – Just when I thought my relationship with God could not have grown any deeper it went to a whole different and more involved level.  I am so thankful for that! 

So what I’m trying to say is this:  It’s hard, all this that we are going through.  Very hard and I am depressed, but in spite of everything, God is helping me.  There is this deep knowledge inside me that I can trust God and that He will heal us all.  Even if it doesn’t look like it, feel like it or sound like it.  I don’t need proof.  I have read the proof in the Bible and I believe it.  It’s taking a whole lot longer than I thought it would, but I’m not giving up.  Ne.rida Wal.ker said in one of her video’s on You Tu.be that there are 3 steps to success:  information, revelation and application. 

I got the information a while ago, I have received revelation regarding that information and now it’s cemented in my heart.  That’s the application.  I think what helped a lot was to continuously confess scriptures out loud – it is second nature now to think of those scriptures when I hear something or I think something negative.  There are times that are so hard that I don’t know how I’ll get through the day, but then I turn to God and He gives me strength and hope, and I actually make it.  But there are also days that are better – where I have much more hope, and then I’m so grateful to God for what He has done for us, and is still doing for us.  With the help of God we will be OK, eventually, I know that.  But it’s not easy…

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