Miracle anniversary:

Exactly 2 years ago we received our miracle. I cannot tell you how it felt when I saw that very feint second line on the pregnancy test. I tested 4 days early and there it was – the positive we’ve been dreaming of for 11.5 years! I remember the very first thing that went through my mind was, Thank you Lord! Then I burst out in tears of gratitude. Then I felt shivers go up and down my spine because I realized this is it! This is the moment where we receive what we have been hoping, praying and believing for. One of the best days of my life, let me tell you – the first day I knew we received our miracle…

Even now I am still in awe of God’s grace and how good He is to us. How much He has blessed us and especially how much He has blessed baby G.

God is so good! Hallelujah! Thank you Lord! All the praise and all the glory must all go to our almighty Lord!

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15 Years!

15 Years married today. Gosh, where has the time gone? It does feel like a long time, but not 15 years. Thank God that we are still happily married, and so very much in love. But it’s been a tough time, I must say. We had some very hard times, but we survived it and for that I’m so grateful.

I would never have thought that it would take 15 years before we have our first child. By the time our baby is born it would be almost 19 years since we met, and started dating. I wonder what we would have thought or done if we had known? Would it have made a difference in our decisions?

I think I would have changed some things – like do so much more fun stuff, instead of hoping that it would be this month that I get pregnant, and I wouldn’t have wasted all that money on fertility treatments off course, and spend it on nice holidays or other necessary stuff we had to go without. But I’m pretty sure I would still have married my DH. I didn’t just marry him to have children with him, I married him because I love him, and I always knew that was the most important reason for marriage.

I believe with my whole heart that my DH is the man that God has chosen to be my husband and soul mate. He made us especially for each other. Years ago, when I was 19 years old, my mom’s dog, a cocker spaniel, bit me one night on the nose. A whole piece of skin was missing and the tip of my nose was exposed. I had to go for plastic surgery to fix it. After the operation the plastic surgeon covered the transplanted skin with a piece of cotton wool soaked in something that made it neon yellow and stitched it onto my nose. I had to walk around like that for almost 2 weeks, until the stitches were removed.

It all happened during exam time, so I could not even skip classes. I had to go write my exams and travel by train in to the city every day. People stared at me because I looked ridiculous. My sister joked and said that my nose had “pollenised”, i.e. it looked like I had a massive clump of pollen on my nose. I didn’t have a boyfriend at that stage and I also didn’t have one for quite some time afterwards. The scar was quite noticeable for a long time and the transplanted skin was redder, and I was starting to think that I’m ugly, or not very attractive.

At one stage I felt so lonely that I prayed to God, and asked Him to give me a good husband one day. I asked for specific character traits and things like, that he must love me, and appreciate me and treat me like I’m special. I didn’t ask for one immediately, I didn’t ask for anyone that would be rich, but I asked for someone whom I could love and trust and off course, someone who also loves God. I had to wait about 2 years, but I eventually met him and I didn’t know it at first, but I also realized eventually that this was the man I had asked God for a few years previously, and I’m am still until today so grateful that God has answered this specific prayer!

After such a long time being married we are now entering a new stage of our marriage – parenthood. It feels so surreal to me, and I still have trouble picturing us with a baby, but I know we will cope and I know it will be all right. We have learnt to be selfish over the past 15 years, having only to take ourselves into consideration with all our decisions, but I don’t mind giving up a lot of stuff for a baby. I am sure it will be worth it all!

I love you A and thank you for sticking with me though all the difficult times and all the years of infertility!

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We have so much to be grateful for:

Even before I got pregnant I knew that we have a lot to be grateful for, but since getting pregnant I am just so much more aware of all the things I’m grateful for, and I’m not lying to you, but my prayer life has changed to mostly praising God and thanking Him for all the blessings we receive from Him.

Every single day I thank God for our pregnancy and our baby. I cannot tell you how much I love being pregnant, and to feel our little boy kick, how much I love him already and how much I’m looking forward to meeting him. Last week at the water birth class there was one lady that said she absolutely hates being pregnant and she is so glad it’s almost over. I can honestly say that I don’t have that problem at all; as a matter of fact it is difficult for me to understand it, because it’s been such a wonderful time for me. I am so grateful that I’m not in her shoes…

Yes, I’ve had most of the symptoms and sometimes I didn’t feel well, or sometimes I have pain, but it doesn’t affect my joy. I still remember the constant nausea and fatigue of the first trimester, and I remember I wasn’t able to do much during that time, but I would willingly do it again and again, just for the joy of being pregnant. I know I’m going to miss being pregnant once our baby is born, but we will definitely try again!

I am also so grateful for the wonderful husband that I have. He is so attentive, and loving and interested in what’s going on in my body and with our baby, and he just loves to have his hands on my baby bump to feel our darling little boy move and kick.

I just know he will be an awesome, wonderful dad. A lot of the time I think he will be a better dad than I could even dream to be a mom. He just loves our nieces and nephews and he takes time to play with them every time we see them, and they absolutely adore him! I just cannot imagine how he will be with our boy – if he is so good with children that isn’t his, how wouldn’t he be with his own! I know he will not be a distant dad, or someone who’s job is more important than his kids, or more interested in his social life than his kids, I know he will make our little one the most important part of his life.

Then most importantly I am so grateful to God, for being there and helping me, guiding me, comforting me and blessing us so richly! We have had some really incredibly difficult years behind us and only when I turned to God, did it feel like I was able to cope, to overcome, to get hope and finally to have our dreams realized. And even now He is still there giving me strength, health and joy, even though we are still going through a difficult time.

The other day I realized that this has been the best and simultaneously the worst year ever. The best because I got pregnant with a healthy baby and we will give birth to him, but the worst because I had to lose my mom. But thanks to our Almighty Lord He is giving me strength and He is helping me to not just concentrate on the sadness, but still experience and enjoy all the wonderful stages of this pregnancy.

I am also incredibly grateful of how much I’ve grown spiritually, and that my idea, or concept of being a child of God, a Christian has changed. I see God so very different than even a year ago, I know Him so much better – I know He loves me unconditionally, that even if I disappoint Him, His love for me won’t change, and that He doesn’t want to punish me for every wrong thing I do – it’s not necessary anymore because the punishment has already been borne by Jesus. I have no more guilt and condemnation hanging over me, making me feel less of a Christian, or a bad person, because I’ve been made righteous by Jesus, and yes, I know I don’t deserve it, but it’s already been done, so I can just as well accept it! God wants me to receive it! And the same goes for everything else that’s been covered by the atonement. Like health and healing, deliverance from evil and prosperity.

The way I feel from day to day has changed – from being sad, and feeling lonely and that nobody understand my pain, to being happy, and joyous and expecting just good things to happen from now on. I cannot tell you what a burden has been lifted from me. God has changed me so much and I am so grateful! When I think of all these blessings, I just feel like bursting out in tears of happiness (and I often do)…

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10 Weeks:

Thursday I was 10 weeks and I suddenly realized that meant 25% through my pregnancy.  Wow!  That was a bit of a shock…  But a good, happy shock if you know what I mean.

It seems like my symptoms are getting a bit better – I’m not nauseous every day anymore and I think I’m managing things quite well, by eating regularly and avoiding things like standing too long.  But that said, I still felt pretty horrible on Monday, I was nauseous from the moment I got up in the morning until I went to bed that night and Wednesday I was very dizzy quite a few times during the day.  Also on Wednesday night I suddenly felt like I was getting sick with flu, or a cold or sinusitis or something, but as I know God does not want us to be sick I decided to fight this bug.  I really don’t want that at this stage of my pregnancy.

Thursday I was a bit under the weather but I must say I’ve been feeling much better since Friday.  I went for a facial and a neck massage Thursday (Thanks Sis!  She treated me!)  and I think the steam that they blow on your face helped my sinuses a lot – I could feel them opening up while the steam was blowing…

I’m still tired but I’ve noticed that by 17h00 or 18h00 if I haven’t had a nap that I have some more energy and that I can actually make it to 21h00 or 22h00 before I have to go to bed.  Mostly if I do take a nap, which is only about 3-4 times a week I take it from about 16h30 until 18h00.  Those days DH has to cook dinner, but he is so awesome, he does not complain at all!

I have an appointment at the foetal assessment centre on 8 June for a Foetal assessment scan, and from what I’ve read this scan is amazing.  Some say the best scan during your pregnancy so I’m looking forward to that.  I still feel a little lost as I haven’t decided on an obgyn or a midwife yet.  I have had second thoughts about the obgyn I initially made an appointment with.  I moved that appointment as it was for 10 June and I can’t see the point of going for scans 2 days apart, but I’m thinking of cancelling altogether.  This doctor came highly recommended to me by 2 of my cousins, but she is so expensive!  I know my medical aid will pay some towards the fees, but I think it’s more an issue of principle at this stage as she charges half as much more than what my FS charges and he is a specialist!

So I am looking at other options and one of them is getting a midwife.  I really would like to have a natural birth.  My mom had c-sections with both my sister and I and my sister also had 2 c-sections, but I’m not going to worry about whether I would also need a c-section as I know God’s perfect plan and design is for us to give natural birth and I believe that He has created me perfectly and healed me completely so I’m believing all will go well.

Here in South Africa the standard practice with most obgyn’s is to advise their patients to have c-sections, and very rarely these days the women who go to obgyn’s get to give birth naturally.  There are really only a few ladies I know in real life that has given birth naturally in the past 10 years or so.  My sister lived in the UK for a couple of years and there they rarely give birth via c-section, only when there are complications, and my sister was one of those rare cases with the birth of her first daughter.  So she has been very vocal about all the c-sections being done here in South Africa and I guess that laid the foundation for me to not want one.  Then I read Super.natural Child.birth and I learned what God wants for us, and easy natural pregnancies are achievable when you believe in it.  Lastly a dear friend (K from New Zealand, Hi K!) told me about a documentary called The Busi.ness of Be.ing Bo.rn on You Tube and after watching that I was totally convinced that natural birth is best.

I am getting a bit more excited about this pregnancy as I have officially past the stage where I had my miscarriage and since our little nunu was so big and strong with our last scan there is more hope that this will end up to be a successful pregnancy.  Not that I worried much about it, I tried to not think about bad thoughts on purpose, but I guess once you’ve had a miscarriage there will  always be some little nagging thoughts that come up every now and then…

This morning after I woke up, but while I was still lying in bed I thought back to the time we started ttc right through to this pregnancy and I was once again struck with wonder, awe and total gratefulness towards God for giving us this miracle.  It is really mind blowing to think that after trying for 11.5 years, after lots of operations, 8 IUI’s, 3 fresh IVF’s and 1 FET, having  endometriosis, adenomyosis and uterine problems like polyps and dealing with 48% generically abnormal sperm that I could get pregnant naturally at the age of 40.  And the most amazing part for me was that it took 7 months of learning about God and actively believing for that miracle for it to manifest into reality.  All the time in those 7 months it felt like a long time, but now when I look back I’m actually amazed at how short a time that was…

All I can say is God is so good, He is so faithful, and He is so amazing!  Nothing is impossible for Him!

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Counting blessings:

Yesterday DH and I went for a walk around the estate that we live. Shumi and Nandi came along, but KT was not at home. We found this boy wandering around, but we did not know who he was. He definitely does not live here. First he tried to touch Shumi, but he seemed a bit afraid. Then he wanted to touch Nandi, and she was happy to let him touch her, before she ran off. A few minutes later this boy came to us to ask if we knew where the “little brown boxer girl” is. He said he had been looking for her all day (I’m sure this was an exaggeration, because it’s not that difficult to find KT!) He continued to tell us that he was here previously once and that day he spent the whole day playing with her.

I smiled then because I think I know who this boy is. One of our neighbours is a beautician and works from home. She once had a client visit her at 8h00 and it was this boy’s mom. This boy didn’t want to sit inside, so he went outside and found KT. When his mom was finished he enjoying playing with KT so much that our neighbour said his mom could leave the boy here, she would keep an eye on him (I guess he is about 10 years old) and the mom could come to fetch him later. That boy really spent almost all day here playing with KT and occasionally taking a break for something to eat or drink.

Fortunately I know where to look for KT and we soon found her and she was so happy to see this boy. He knelt down and she licked his ears and they were so happy to see each other. They both ran off immediately, the boy found a ball and they went crazy! Unfortunately about 5 minutes later the boy’s mom was finished and they had to go home. But the boy was happy and KT was happy. It really touched my heart that they enjoyed playing with each other so much. I’m so glad my dear KT could give a little boy so much joy. She is such a sweet dog!

She actually has a routine every day. It starts at about 5h00 every day. She visits almost everyone that lives here, and she spends time with them. Each of these people thinks she visits only them, but she goes from house to house. Everybody thinks she treats them as if they are special, but she treats everyone like that. She is really a blessing to many people and she is a blessing to us too. But just like KT, Shumi and Nandi are blessings to us too. They give us joy in so many different ways.

***

Then the other blessing that I’m grateful for today is my DH. Today 18 years ago (I can’t believe it) we met. Let me tell you the story:

I was almost 22 and DH was already 22.  A friend of mine from school met one of DH’s friends at gym and made a date with him. DH was part of a big group of friends from school and none of them had girlfriends (well, except for the one that made a date with my friend – long story, but I only found out months later he had a girlfriend), and this guy asked her to bring a friend with for his friends. Now, we all went to the same school, but DH and his friends were 1 year ahead of us. My friend and I knew who this group of guys were, their names and what they looked like, because my friend had a crush on one of them in school, but we never spoke to them.

When I first saw DH my heart literally skipped a beat. I could not keep my eyes off him. I thought he was so sexy. He didn’t speak to me at first because his one friend had a problem with his car and he was trying to fix it for him. I thought he was not interested. Later though when we went out, he did speak to me and from that moment on we were together for the rest of the night. He even took me home and asked for my phone number. But he didn’t have a pen and he had to memorize it. Only much later DH said he saw my long legs and that he fell for me immediately (I had a mini on – I’m 1.77 cm or 5 ft 10”).

I didn’t hear from DH the next day, or the day after which was Valentine’s Day. I thought he either forgot my number or wasn’t interested. But the day after Valentine’s Day he did phone and we went on our first official date. It turned out he felt awkward about Valentine’s day and didn’t know how to handle it, so that was why he only contacted me the day after. We have been inseparable ever since. Soul mates.

Quite a few people have commented on how close we are – how they can see we belong together, and that they wished they were in such a close relationship. Even just after we met one friend of DH told me that he could see that we were meant to get married (at that stage marriage wasn’t even brought up, or even thought about yet).

Today 18 years later I’m incredibly thankful that I met DH that day, and it rates as one of the best days of my life ever. Today I’m still as much in love with my DH as I was 18 years ago! I love you so much my darling husband!

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I have confidence in the Lord!

Thank you all for your messages of comfort with my last post.  I really am blessed by the people that read this blog.  And I must say God blesses me even more and I just want to share that with you.  I received “bad news” on Tuesday, but I did not see it as bad news.  I didn’t get upset or depressed or anything like that.  Why?  Because God is faithful and good.  God has comforted me so much with messages of hope all week long, that I cannot doubt that all this will work out for good.  I trust God completely.

That just shows you how much I have grown in the last few months.  There were times when I was frantic with worry, where I tried to make plans of my own to try and control the outcome of my own, Shumi’s, my mom’s or anyone else’s health…  Now I’m not even tempted to do that because I know they have been healed already.  The price was paid in full about 2000 years ago.  Nothing more can be done.  I am just waiting for proof of that healing.  I am waiting for God to complete the work He has started in us.  And I am waiting in anticipation!

I want to share some scriptures with you that have encouraged me so far this week.

1 John 4:17 (Amp):  “¹⁷In this [union and communion with Him] love is brought to completion and attains perfection with us, that we may have confidence for the day of judgment [with assurance and boldness to face Him], because as He is, so are we in this world.”

Hebrews 11:6 (Amp):  “⁶But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out].”

The message that I basically heard this week was:  “never give up, be determined, keep strong in your faith and God will reward you for that.”

Now how can one get discouraged with that?

***

My mom says her meeting with the new Radiologist (I think that is what he is called) went well, he thinks she might only have to get 10 or maybe 15 treatments and not 25 as the Oncologist suggested.  It sounds like he has experience with this specific problem my mom has and she has a lot more confidence in this new doctor than the previous one.  It also seems this doctor gets quite a lot of patients that switch from my mom’s previous doctor to him. 

My mom will be monitored after a few treatments to see how she responds and the treatment will be adjusted accordingly.  (Something that the other doctor never did)  Obviously my mom is happy, because it seems better than originally suggested.  Also she will begin with treatment soon, last time she had to wait about 2 months before they could fit her into their schedule, and with this doctor it won’t take so long.  She has one appointment on Monday already to start the planning process and she will hopefully find out then when they will actually start with the treatments. 

Last time my mom went for radiation she went from Monday to Friday for 5 consecutive weeks, and I think this time will be the same except it will hopefully only be 2 or 3 weeks. 

I am not worried at all; I am confident all will go well and that God is in charge!  Jesus holds the keys to death and I know he will not allow the devil to kill my mom, “G” or Shumi…

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The Gifts of the Spirit:

Lately I have been thinking a lot about why the Christians of today are not like the early Christians who we read about in the New Testament.  They could speak in tongues, they could heal, and drive out demons, they prophesied, etc.  Why cannot all Christians do it today?  Why do so few have these gifts of the Spirit? 

1 Corinthians 12:8-11 (NIV):  “⁸ To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, ⁹ to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, ¹⁰ to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues   ¹¹ All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.”

Firstly the Bible said it will happen:  1 Corinthians 13:8-9 (NIV):  “⁸ … But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part,” 

But I was not happy with this answer alone, and then one day I read on Elize’s blog about the book:  The Hea.venly Ma.n by Bro.ther Yu.n and Pa.ul Hat.taway.  Elize mentioned that it explained to her why miracles are so few in the Western world today.  Now that intrigued me.  I wanted to know the answer to that question too!  So eventually I found the book online and I got it this last Monday. 

I read through it in 2 days, I couldn’t put it down and I must say:  I’m ashamed!  I thought I was a Christian, but I’m falling short.  I remembered that Cur.ry Bla.ke mentioned that the definition of a Christian is someone whose life is like Jesus Christ’s life.  Well to be honest, mine cannot be compared to Jesus’ life and that’s why I feel ashamed.  But I definitely got some answers to my questions, and it has inspired me…

For those who know nothing about the book:  it’s the real life story of Bro.ther Yu.n, how he became a Christian and how he preached the Gospel in China, how he had to flee the authorities, and how he was persecuted for his faith.  It also describes wonderful miracles that happened and how on fire they are for preaching the Gospel to others.

What was amazing to me is the faith they have.  They had nothing and had to trust in God for everything.  That’s one reason so many miracles happened.  They rarely had Bibles so they had to memorized complete books of the Bible and they sang a lot of songs.  They praised and worshipped a lot, and they meditated on scriptures a lot.  God spoke to them a lot in visions and dreams.  Most experienced miraculous healings themselves or witnessed miraculous healings.  They shared the message of Jesus Christ and his salvation with everyone and immediately.  Another thing that really struck me was the message of love and forgiveness.  Bro.ther Yu.n could so easily forgive and love others even if they prosecuted him and almost killed him.   There was also no selfishness in them.  Very often they gave away their only possessions to others, even their food, when they themselves were hungry.

Bro.ther Yu.n says in this book that when he eventually got to the West he was stunned that so many churches were “spiritually asleep.”  He says that many meetings were “cold and lacked the fire and presence of God”.  He was amazed to see that many Christians had “a lot of possessions and lived in a backslidden state.”  That “they have silver and gold, but don’t rise up and walk in Jesus’ name.”  He says:  “Not only is knowledge of God’s word missing, but obedience to that Word.  There is not much action taking place.”  So I guess it’s no surprise that we rarely come accross someone that operates in the gifts of the Spirit…

I realized that I still have a lot to learn.  I feel so selfish for wishing for a baby, when there are so many more important matters that need attention.  I feel like a spoilt brat – we are so blessed, and I take it all for granted and then I dare complain about the one thing that doesn’t go according to my plan!  On Tuesday, when I went to the Feeding Scheme, I realized that even those people are so blessed, because they are getting so much more to eat than those that I read about in the book, and they are getting it for free, 5 days a week! 

I learnt that the fact that I have my own Bible and have had it since I was a young child is such a blessing!  Bro.ther Yu.n prayed for a Bible for more than 4 months before he got one, and that was a miracle in itself.  And he not only prayed but also fasted for it!  That convicted me for being impatient!  I was wondering how long it was going to take before God will heal Shumi, my mom and us.  How long it will take before I get my miracle baby…

One good thing is that I feel a lot more grateful and at peace.  I find that I trust God more and more.  I’m not so worried about Why God?  Or, when God?  I want to learn even more, there is still a lot I need to learn, and I think part of it has to be on the Holy Spirit.  I also need to do more – especially for others.  I must definitely share the Gospel more…

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