Archive for July, 2010

In my previous post I said it’s wrong to say that “we had to go through this so that God could teach me a lesson” or “so that I could grow”, and I want to explain why I said so.  It’s a difficult concept to grasp because I have believed this for so long so I’m going to explain it like Cur.ry Bla.ke explains it in his course:  “The Di.vine Hea.ling Tech.nician”.

John 14:26 (NIV):  26 But the Counsellor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. “

“According to the above verse The Holy Spirit teaches us all things, so if we say that God had to teach us something from an illness; it means that we are saying that the Holy Spirit is the illness, or that the Holy Spirit is a spirit of infirmity.

1 John 2:27 (NIV):  27As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit— just as it has taught you, remain in him.”

So everything you learn concerning the Spirit of God or the things of God, you learn by the Spirit of God.  Now the Spirit of God may work through a person.  Everything we have learnt of God was by the Spirit of God, The Holy Spirit is our teacher, therefore if you say:  “God is using this thing to teach me”, you have relegated the Holy Spirit to the level of that disease.  Understand how close you are to blasphemy, because in principle that is exactly what the Pharisees did to Jesus:

John 3:1-3 (NIV):  Jesus Teaches Nicodemus 1Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a member of the Jewish ruling council.  2 He came to Jesus at night and said, Rabbi, we know you are a teacher who has come from God. For no-one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him.  3In reply Jesus declared, I tell you the truth, no-one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” 

Note how Nicodemus says:  “we (the Pharisees) know you are a teacher who has come from God.” He said that privately to Jesus, because he came at night.  What were the Pharisees saying publicly?  They were saying that Jesus casts out devils by Beelzebub:

Matthew 12:22-37 (NIV):  Jesus and Beelzebub 22 Then they brought him a demon-possessed man who was blind and mute, and Jesus healed him, so that he could both talk and see.  23 All the people were astonished and said, Could this be the Son of David?  24But when the Pharisees heard this, they said, It is only by Beelzebub, the prince of demons, that this fellow drives out demons.  25 Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.  26 If Satan drives out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then can his kingdom stand?  27 And if I drive out demons by Beelzebub, by whom do your people drive them out? So then, they will be your judges.  28But if I drive out demons by the Spirit of God, then the kingdom of God has come upon you.  29 Or again, how can anyone enter a strong man’s house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Then he can rob his house.  30 He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me scatters.  31 And so I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.  32 Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.  33 Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognised by its fruit.  34 You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.  35 The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.  36 But I tell you that men will have to give account on the Day of Judgment for every careless word they have spoken.  37 For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Basically what Jesus said was: your sin remains, because you know better, and yet you keep saying this to keep your position.  What were they doing?  They were attributing to the devil the works of God.  What are you doing when you’re saying that God is using sickness to teach you something?  You are attributing to God the works of the devil.  Isn’t that in principle the same thing, just in reverse?

Don’t try to use your sickness or disease to cover by putting the blame on God.  We as Christians like to think bad things happen for our benefit, to make us better, but it does not make you better, all it does is show what’s in you.  When you are pressed, what’s in you is what’s going to come out.  But people say:  “Well, God had to get me flat on my back with that heart attack, before I would look to Him and slow down.”  If that’s true then anybody that goes to hell is God’s fault because He didn’t get them flat on their back…  God is no respecter of persons.  If He did it for one, He better do it for another, or else He is no respecter of persons.  

Acts 10:34-35 (KJV):  34Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons:  35But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him.”

Every one of these statements is used to take the responsibility off ourselves and put the blame on God.  Every doctrine of devils, every sacred cow and tradition goes back to that basic thing – take the responsibility off me and blame God!

Stop doing that, stand up, quit acting like a victim and start becoming the victor and get on God’s side and start agreeing with Him and know that He has set this thing up for you to win!  You do not bring glory to God by losing at any time!  You bring glory to God by how you act through hardship, good times, sickness and disease, but that does not mean it was God’s will for you to be sick!  That is you turning a bad situation into a good thing.  Some people might say:  “that’s God turning a bad situation into a good thing”.  No!  That’s you doing that!  God is grateful for the fact that you will give Him glory no matter what, but regardless don’t put the blame on God for your lack of participating in the benefits, because he told us:

Psalm 103:2-18 (NIV):  2 Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits— 3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, 4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.  6The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.  7He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel:  8The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.  9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbour his anger for ever; 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.  11For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.  13As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; 14 for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.  15As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; 16 the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.  17 But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children— 18 with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.”

That is God’s benefits!  Don’t put to God the works of the devil!”


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For those of you who are wondering how I am; I am not sad anymore, I am mad!   Wednesday night while I was sleeping, I suddenly woke up and remembered an article I read in the Joy magazine of July 2010 a while ago.  It had to deal with healing and I thought I would look it up in the morning.  The heading of the article is:  “the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy” John 10:10a.  Immediately I was mad.  Why, because I realized that the devil, who is the thief, is trying to kill Shumi and that he killed our babies and that he has stolen a lot from us over the years.  Suddenly I had this feeling of being fed up – fed up with everything and that I don’t want to him to steal, kill or destroy anything from us again…

So in the article it says that this father who lost his son to cancer was given a copy of “The Di.vine Hea.ling Tech.nician” a Jo.hn G La.ke Minis.tries training manual, and I goog.led it.  The first thing I opened up was a free course about “The Di.vine Hea.ling Tech.nician”, and that’s what I’ve been up to since then, listening to the teaching of Cur.ry Bla.ke about healing, but it also covers a lot of other stuff.  Please do yourselves a favour and make some time to listen to it.  Here is the link.  Please, please listen to it, it will change your life!

I must apologize to you all, I only realized after listening to this teaching that I’ve believed a lot of lies and I’ve shared some of those lies to you, as if they were fact.  That’s why some of my posts have been removed, and there is probably some more that will be removed.  The last thing I wanted to be was to be a false prophet, but some lies have come through and I need to rectify that!  Some posts will be edited and put back, but I think some need to be deleted permanently.

If you are wondering what I’m talking about, I’ll give you some examples:  I have always believed the lie that it has not been God’s will for me to have children up to now.  Even though I’ve read that it’s a lie in Jackie Mize’s book “supernatural childbirth”, I still believed there must be some plan or purpose of why we don’t have any children yet, and why I had to have my miscarriage.  That’s not true!   Sickness is never a punishment from God, and as the World Health Organisation has classified infertility as an illness I include that in the term sickness!  Those were the excuses I made because it was the only explanation that made sense to me!   It was a coping mechanism, and I know a lot of other people are also in the same situation, and I don’t want them to be deceived anymore either.

God does not want us to suffer, He does not want us to be infertile, He does not want disease and illness for us, not just the Christians, but for every single human being on earth!  Sickness and disease comes from only one source and that is from the devil.  It is not there to teach us anything or to make us better people, it has one purpose and that is to destroy you…  God has nothing to do with it!  We are living in ignorance about our rights as children of God and because of that ignorance we do not live according to the promises made in the Bible.

Promises like:  Genesis 1:28 (NIV): “…Be fruitful and increase in number…”

Psalm 113:9 (NIV): 9 He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.”

1 Peter 2:24 (NIV): 24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.” (Note: have been healed – It happened 2000 years ago – you are already healed, you must just not let the devil have any hold on you anymore)

Galatians 3:13 (NIV): 13 Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.”

James 4:7 (NIV): 7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

Mark 11: 23-24 (NIV): 23 I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.    24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV): 7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

Isaiah 54:17 (NIV): 17 no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me, declares the LORD.”

We have this image of Jesus as someone that is always peaceful and meek, but that is completely the wrong image.  He is at war against the enemy and his forces, and we should be at war too.  We cannot lie down and accept any attack against us; we must stand up for ourselves and fight back!  We cannot allow any more attacks against us and we must go out and fight the battle on behalf of Jesus Christ!  That’s why it’s good to be mad, then you are in a better frame of mind to fight the battle!  Who is with me?  Who is also fed up and mad and willing to join the battle?

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The vet found a tumour, it is very deep and its impossible to operate on. Radiation will also not help, because it is so deep. There is nothing he can do for Shumi. He gives him a few months at the most depending on how fast the tumour grows…

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Hello to all and welcome to my blog! I’m a 39 year old who is still trying to have her first baby. It’s been a long and hard road so far, it’s almost 11 years now since we started trying. We had our first BFP ever a few months ago, but unfortunately lost our baby due to trisomy 13 or Patau Syndrome just over 5 weeks ago. So now we have to try IVF again.

We have some other worries at the moment as well – my mom had uterine cancer recently, and it might have spread to her para aortic lymph nodes, but we don’t know for sure until she’s had a PET scan, which will happen hopefully this week. Her oncologist said at first that it was definitely cancer and that she had to go for another course of radiation and chemotherapy, but she went for a second opinion after some conflicting test results and it might not be cancer according to the other doctor. Apparently the PET scan will pick up any cancer in her lymph nodes, but it is quite expensive so they are waiting for authorisation from the medical aid…

The other worry is my “furbaby” Shumi, our 5 year old boxer, who is currently at the vet for x-rays of his nose, as they suspect he might have a tumour – we are hoping and praying that it’s not the case, because they say it’s a very nasty cancer…

I’m sorry this has not been a very upbeat introduction, but if you would like some more info you can always click on the ICLW tag on the right….

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I took Shumi to the vet again this morning, because his nose is blocked.  He was on antibiotics and it did clear his snot nose up, but not for long.  He’s had the snot nose twice now this winter and a bloody nose in April. All these symptoms combined do not amount to good news.  Our vet suspects a tumour and referred me to another vet for x-rays and maybe an endoscope.  It could be something like polyps, or some grass seeds stuck up his nose, but he doubts it.  It is apparently very common for Boxers to get these tumours.  If it’s a small tumour they might attempt to get it out, and they will send it away for testing, but the prognosis is usually not good.  All these possible treatments will off course cost us thousands of Rands…

I have made an appointment for the x-ray tomorrow and I’m praying for a miracle here – that our vet is wrong and that it’s nothing serious! Unfortunately our vet was on holiday recently and I took Shumi to another vet and that vet spoke of the same thing as a possibility…

I am so upset! I don’t know how much more bad news I can take.  Shumi is my baby.  The only one I have and I don’t know how I’ll cope if I have to lose him too…

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It’s in His hands:

I’ve been thinking about something ever since I’ve been to see my FS on Wednesday. I’ve mentioned before that my FS is not a Christian, or rather let me put it this way: There are two doctors at the clinic I go to. When I talk about my FS it can be either of them. I see them both, depending on who is available. I know the one doctor is not a Christian, because he is of a different religion. What the all the other’s (doctor and staff) religious beliefs are I don’t know…

Anyway – the point I’m trying to make is that both the doctors as well as the genetic specialist have mentioned something that made me think. Not all the comments were made on Wednesday but most were. All of them have told me that after the embryos are transferred it is out of their hands and in God’s hands. Not in those words exactly, the one doctor talks about “it’s up to the Man upstairs”, the other doctor said we “have to pray that we get a healthy baby out of our embryos” and the genetic specialist (she is also one of the embryologists) said that she has seen pregnancies from “vrot” (very bad) looking embryo’s and BFN’s from perfect looking embryos. She told of one patient they had who was already over forty years old and she had two OK looking embryos and two “vrot” embryos and she fell pregnant and had quads! All four of the quads were healthy and normal at birth! (They did not do PGD in this case) She said they just cannot tell which embryos will make healthy babies and which won’t and it’s ultimately in someone else’s hands (and she pointed skywards)… And that’s not the only instance – I even read that another well know doctor on the internet admitted that they can do everything up to a point, but the ultimate result is still in God’s hands.

I look at the different stories that I read about over the internet and I can see that sometimes things are absolutely perfect and there is still no pregnancy or baby (like some of my own cycles), and in other instances there are so many problems and it results against all odds into a healthy pregnancy and baby.

All the stories I read in the Bible of Sarah, and Rebekah, Rachel, Leah, Hannah, Elizabeth you name them – they got their babies when God decided it was time and not one day earlier… Even if meant that they had their babies at impossibly high ages. I keep on thinking that I can do everything possible and the doctors can do everything medically possible and we can still get a BFN or another miscarriage…The final result is out of our hands, and completely in God’s hands. I then thought of an e-mail I received recently and I remembered what His hands looked like – nail scarred hands…

The Hands that made the world and gave the sun and moon their light
are the tiny Hands of a baby born one cold December night…
The Hands that stilled the wind and tamed the fury of the sea
are the calloused Hands of a carpenter who lived in poverty…
The Hands that held the power to break the binding chains of sin
are the gentle Hands that washed the feet of tired and dusty men…
The Hands that cleansed the leper, healed the blind and raised the dead
are the praying Hands of one who cried, “Not My will, but Thine instead…”
The Hands that shaped the universe and flung the stars in space
are the nail-pierced Hands of a dying man who suffered in our place…
The Hands of our Creator, Lord and King of Heaven above,
are the Savior’s Hands, forever reaching out to us with love.
–B. J. Hoff

Isn’t this poem absolutely beautiful?

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The day of our appointment has finally arrived exactly one month after my evacuation D & C.   The FS said that our little baby had Trisomy 13 or Patau syndrome and that is where the foetus had an additional third chromosome 13 and that is caused by nondisjunction of chromosomes during myosis.  In layman’s terms what that means is that the chromosomes did not split properly during myosis (which occurs during maturation of the egg) and that there was an extra chromosome on the pair numbered 13.  The three common occurrences are at the genes numbered 13, 18 and 21 and of those, number 21 is the one where Down’s syndrome originates from and that is also the only one where the foetus is most likely to survive to birth.  It is very rare for a baby with trisomy 13 to survive until birth and should it survive it would be severely handicapped mentally and physically and they do not survive for longer than a year after birth. 

We discussed a plan of action for a new IVF cycle and we can start with one (Femara & Gonal F like IVF # 3) when AF arrives if we want, or we have the option to do a long protocol and do a month of birth control first and the IVF in the cycle after that.  After some discussion of the pros and cons we have decided to do the long protocol with Lucrin and Fostimon (Like IVF # 2).   I have a few reasons for that – the most important being that the cycle we did that way produced better looking embryos on day 3.  The other reasons were that my FS feels that the short protocol is better for poor responders and I’ve never been a poor responder, I’ve read that Femara compromises quality by influencing the myosis process (my FS does not agree but I don’t want to take the chance) and I’ve read that the down regulation of LH with birth control and Lucrin can also help with quality (again my FS is not convinced of that).  We will be doing a lower dose of Fostimon than last time – I was on 225 units but now I will go on 150 units, and hopefully it won’t give me a polyp.  Last time it was reduced halfway through stims to 150 units anyway so I think it will be sufficient.

I don’t have a clue where I am in my cycle and the doctor did a scan – my uterus looks good, no polyp present and it looked like I did ovulate from my one ovary, so the FS said AF can come anytime from now up to 2 weeks from now – I guess I just have to wait patiently…

We discussed PGD – it’s an option that we are seriously considering but the doctor recommended that we only do it if we have at least 3-4 8-cell embryos on day 3.  We spoke to the lady that does the PGD and she is a qualified genetic specialist.  She gave us a lot of information on it, and we found out that if we would have done PGD the trisomy 13 would most probably have been detected.  There is a chance however that the test can come back inconclusive or that the embryo can be damaged.  The other problem is that it will cost an additional R10000 on top of the cost of the IVF, for which we didn’t get a quote on today.  So we will have to see if the budget allows for it.  We have at least 6-8 weeks to decide on it anyway, so no rush…

So the first thing is for AF to arrive, of which there is still no sign of by the way, and then I must start the birth control pills.  DH thinks it’s totally weird for me to go on them when I want to get pregnant, but its better that way as it will also help to regulate my cycle which can still be disrupted from the miscarriage after AF has come on.   It also means IVF will be done in the 3rd cycle after our miscarriage and that’s also a bit safer…

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