Posts Tagged ‘Dogs’

O, How Fast They Grow!

I got a puppy for my 42nd birthday, but even though Nitro is now 7 months old, he does not look like a puppy anymore. He is just as tall as KT, and his head is just as big, but he is still quite a bit leaner than her. I cannot imagine how big he will get when he is fully grown, but I think he is going to be big for a boxer.

He is a really sweet dog though, and it was not nearly as hard raising him as I thought it would be with a toddler in the house, because we have KT and Nandi to help us, and they did a splendid job! I have to admit that our input has been less with Nitro than with all our other dogs, solely because we have baby G now and he will always be our number 1 priority above the dogs.

KT is madly in love with her new mate, she is so impressed, because Nandi is old and she just did not want to play with her as much as KT wants. KT and Nitro play with each other for hours every day, and it’s so much fun to watch. I’ve attached some video’s of Nitro playing for you.

Nitro is also so good with Baby G, it amazes me! Baby G loves to throw a ball for him and he will bring it right back and drop it on the floor so that Baby G can throw it again. They also both love to play with water and often they will get wet together. We cannot water the garden with those two nearby, because they will both be wet within minutes no matter how cold the water or the weather. There are times when Nitro is outside and baby G inside the house, and baby G will open a window and they will play together through the window. One of these games is to both lick the window on either side of the glass and sometimes there is no glass between them (yeah, I know gross!) Baby G will also throw things outside for Nitro to play with, and he pets him a lot through the window. Some days I think that Nitro is not my dog, but baby G’s dog, and that is okay with me, because our little boy sure does love dogs! It is so precious to see the bond between these two.


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Puppy love:

We have 3 boxers in our home now, KT, Nitro and Nitro’s little sister Tessa.  Tessa is DH’s brother’s dog – when he heard that we were going to get a boxer puppy he told DH to get him a female if there is still one left.  Well there was, so DH took two from the breeder.  BIL and his family are on holiday now so we are puppy sitting Tessa, and Nitro, KT and Baby G all love having her here.

Yesterday after baby G woke from his afternoon nap, he wanted to sit on the couch in between the 2 puppies and he started to play with Tessa’s ear while he was still half asleep.  It was so cute that I just had to capture it on video.  Unfortunately the couch is right in front of the window so the quality of the video is not the best, but what can one do?  There are no do overs with babies and puppies…

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Meet Nitro:

It was my 42nd birthday a week ago and guess who I got for my birthday?


Nitro is our new boxer puppy.  We decided that Nandi is getting old and KT needs a play mate that can keep up with her.  Now that Baby G is older than a year we feel that we have some energy to raise another puppy.  We though now would be the best time – we hope to have either a sibling for baby G by the end of the year or that I should be heavily pregnant again, so its either now or wait another 1.5 – 2 years.

I must say, its tougher raising a puppy and a 14 month old than I thought.  Raising puppies have always been easy for us, but this is the first time with a baby/toddler.  I have to keep an eye on both of them all the time!  Nitro loves to chew baby G’s toys, jump up against baby G and lick him in the face.  Baby G can sometimes hurt Nitro by hitting him with his sippy cup or whatever toy he has in his hands.

Fortunately raising Nitro is not just up to us, KT is a big help too.  And she absolutely adores Nitro!  I am totally amazed at how much and how rough they play, even though Nitro is only 8 weeks old.


I must say I don’t feel 42 – I feel more like 24!

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Almost 2 weeks ago I posted some pictures of what Shumi looked like. I mentioned that he still loves to play with KT though and that same night DH took a video of it. I have posted it on Yo.u Tu.be, so that you can see that although he looks bad physically, he still has a lot of energy left and in my opinion a will to live.

I took Shumi to the vet last week to hear what can be done about the lump. The vet kept him overnight and made a hole in between his eyes and drained a lot of puss from the lump. At first it looked really bad, and I wondered if I did the right thing, but he is actually a lot better! A lot of the swelling has gone down and some of the scabs from his old wounds have fallen off. The vet even said that Shumi is still way to lively to be put down and he also said that if he looks at the way things have progressed during the last 19 months since I first took Shumi to him with his first nosebleeds, that Shumi might still live for quite some time. I asked him his opinion on why Shumi is still alive, and he is totally stumped! He does not have any medical explanation, but I do have one off course! I know it can only have been God! And that gives me more hope again to believe for full healing for Shumi.

Anyway I promised you another message a while ago already, so here it is:

The other message that I originally posted was this one about David and Goliath, and once again this teaching is from a different perspective so also worthwhile to share with you… I am quoting from Bro.ther Yu.n’s Book “Liv.ing Wa.ter”

“In order to see what God is doing today, we must cultivate a close intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and view things from God’s perspective. Even if we see a giant standing before us, we should not be intimidated. The giant might be real, but Jesus Christ is the Truth who can bring peace and freedom to any situation. Even when we are struggling, we should stop and meditate on the fact that Jesus has purchased us as His own possession. To do so, He paid the highest price – His own life. Those who have been born again into God’s kingdom now belong to Jesus. They are inseparable, to such an extent that the Bible says, “If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself.” (2 Timothy 2: 13)

As we begin to serve our Saviour, we need to understand that God’s work must be done God’s way. We must rely on His wisdom alone and not on man’s wisdom, “For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.” (1 Corinthians 1:25) As you serve God, you will surely experience much opposition. When this happens you need to know who you are, who you are not, who is the enemy you are facing and who is the Lord you are serving.

If you have been saved and restored into right relationship with God, then you should never accept the taunts of the enemy. When the enemy mocks and attempts to intimidate you, it is imperative that you stand up in the authority of Jesus Christ and refuse to accept it!

Let us consider the story of David and Goliath. The first thing to note is that Goliath’s very appearance caused fear. The Bible paints the following dramatic picture: “He was over nine feet tall. He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armour of bronze weighing five thousand shekels; on his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back. His spear shaft was a weaver’s rod, and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels. His shield bearer went in front of him.” (1 Samuel 17:4-7)

The enemy always tries to scare God’s people and cause them to become incapacitated by fear. For forty long days Goliath stood up and threatened the Israelites. His threats achieved their purpose, for the Bible records that “on hearing the Philistine’s words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed and terrified.” (1 Samuel 17:11)

Remember that “the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.” (1 Corinthians 1:25) God chose to respond to this threat not by sending of Israel’s great warriors to fight Goliath, nor even by cutting the giant down by divine intervention. Rather, God chose a young boy named David – the youngest of eight brothers – to destroy the enemy and silence their blasphemies.

On the morning of the fortieth consecutive day, Goliath came out and mocked the people of God. By this time the whole of the Israelite army had been thoroughly terrorized and traumatized to such an extent that “when the Israelites saw the man, they all ran from him in great fear.” (1 Samuel 17:24)
On this particular day, however, young David happened to be visiting the camp and heard Goliath’s voice for himself. Something stirred deep within his spirit, and he asked, “Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he could defy the armies of the living God?” (17:26)

Together we are armies of the living God today. We are the armies of Jesus Christ. The Lord God calls all of His children to fight in His name, but many fall prey to fear and intimidation. If they manage to overcome their fears, the Devil uses different strategies in a bid to disarm and cripple the obedient Christian.

One of his favourite tactics is to cause other believers to bring discouragement. This is what happened to David. His oldest brother, Eliab, “burned with anger at him and asked, ‘Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the desert? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle.” (1 Samuel 17:28)

Isn’t it strange that Eliab would “burn with anger” just because his brother showed more courage than he did? Eliab also resorted to slander in order to keep his young brother in line, even telling David, “I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle.” Satan often uses family members to bring discouragement. The closer a person is to you, the more crippling their discouragement is. This is often what happens in the church today, as our own brothers and sisters in the Lord end up trying to prevent us from following what God has told us to do.

It reveals much of David’s heart that even though he was just a young boy, he refused to be affected by his brother’s discouragement. In fact, David approached King Saul and boldly announced, “Let no one lose heart on account of this Philistine; your servant will go and fight him.” (1 Samuel 17:32)

Another interesting thing happened before David slew Goliath. Before he went out to meet the giant, “Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armour on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. ‘I cannot go in these,’ he said to Saul, ‘because I am not used to them.’ So he took them off. Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.” (1 Samuel 17:38-40)

David was used to a simple life as a shepherd. He was familiar with using a sling and had both killed a lion and a bear while protecting his sheep. Don’t try to be someone God didn’t make you. It will just be awkward and diminish your effectiveness for the Lord.

I believe God did not allow David to go into battle with Saul’s armour and weapons, as people might have been tempted to credit David’s success to the equipment he was wearing rather than to the Lord God alone. It is our all-powerful, all-knowing Sovereign who has declared, “How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another.” (Isaiah 48:11)

After David killed Goliath, news of what happened quickly spread to the surrounding nations, and there was no mistaking the fact that God provided the victory. David had declared to the Philistine, “You come against me with a sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I’ll cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and He will give all of you into our hands.” (1 Samuel 17:45-47)”

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A few nights ago I once again had trouble sleeping. It took a while to get to sleep and only a few hours later I was awake again, and then it felt like hours passed before I fell asleep again just as the birds woke up. But that time was not wasted, because I was thinking about quite a lot of stuff, especially Shumi, and where I’m failing, and I got another revelation. I know it already, but sometimes one doesn’t see things clearly, especially when it concerns yourself… I think God has been trying to tell me this for a while already, but somehow I just didn’t listen, or didn’t want to listen maybe… I’ve realized there were signs or hints, which made me realize I had to attend to something, but I just brushed it away, and went on with what I was doing. Until that sleepless night when I had lots to think about and I could follow the trail until I got to the revelation, and I want to share that with you today – maybe someone else will also benefit from it.

There were 3 separate incidences that I can identify as signs or hints, because they all had to make me think about the same topic. I can’t really recall which happened first, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. One instance was a comment made on this blog about salvation and keeping the Law of Moses. That comment was in response to me saying that I know God does not want to punish me for every wrong thing I do, because I know that the punishment was already fully taken by Jesus through His sacrifice. I answered on that comment, but there was a lingering feeling that maybe I didn’t follow the trail of thought through fully and answered completely, but I brushed it off and forgot about it.

Another thing that bothered me a bit was a comment DH made to me once. At the time I didn’t realize it, but I’ve had some unresolved anger building up in me, especially lately, and I think it has to do with my mom’s death and Shumi’s illness. I tried to suppress it, and generally I never take out my frustrations on loved ones, so it came out in other ways. One way was when I got so upset about my new debit card not working – I really got so angry, like I haven’t been in a long time, and I let the call centre operator hear it! There is one other person though, someone I get to deal with on a weekly basis, that somehow rubs me up the wrong way, and I never let her see it, but later at home I can’t help making comments and sometimes they are nasty… DH heard me mutter something, and immediately he said, “What has S done this time…” I immediately felt bad, because I realized that I was complaining a lot about this person, especially lately, and maybe I’ve been too hard on her, but I once again did not think about it for very long.

The last message was the fact that I started reading the book of Romans since last week in my Bible study time and really a lot of it has to deal with the law again, and how we are saved by grace through faith and not through works like keeping the law. During the night while I was lying awake I realized that I’ve been focussing on how God does not want to punish us, because Jesus already carried the punishment for us, long before we even sinned, but I conveniently ignored the law. I knew it was still important to keep the law, but why?

For some reason I thought back to my last IVF last year, and how I did not understand things so well then compared to what I know now. Because I did a mini IVF, I didn’t get my stimms from my fertility clinic like I did with my other IVF’s. I bought it at Dis.chem since their price was a bit cheaper than what my clinic would have charged me. They didn’t have all the injections that I needed, but they did have a few and enough to get me started. Somehow the pharmacist made a mistake and charged me for 1 less injection than she gave me. When I paid I realized that the total was less than what I worked it out in my mind, but I paid and left the shop.

All the way home it bothered me and I couldn’t figure out where a mistake was made. When I got home I looked at the slip and only then did I realize what had happened. I immediately felt guilty and felt like I stole that one injection. The second thought that came into my head was, “I hope God does not punish me for this by ensuring that I don’t get pregnant.” Like I said – I still had a lot to learn.

The fear of punishment prompted me to phone the pharmacy and speak to them and rectify the mistake. The poor pharmacist was so happy I phoned and pointed out her mistake and she made a note on the computer that I must pay for the other injection when I come to fetch the last few. I’m sure she would have been in some kind of trouble if I hadn’t come forward and offered to pay, because she kept on saying, “thank you so much for calling and rectifying this.”

While I was lying in bed thinking about all this, I realized – “No, God would not have punished me by giving me a BFN.” I was totally sure of that fact, but then something else struck me. It could have ended in a BFN, but it wouldn’t have been caused by God. I would have given power over my life to the devil and through me handing him that power, he could have killed our embies and caused a BFN.

That was when I realized that the only reason we shouldn’t sin is because that is one way of giving power to the devil. We might believe that God has saved us, we might believe that God has healed us, but if we keep sinning we will never defeat the devil. I saw so clearly that I need to let go of certain sins, and if I do that the power of the devil will decrease. It’s all things that I knew, that I’ve practised a while ago and even had some victory over, but I got lax and I let small things slip, and then it got worse and worse again…

We had one victory, our pregnancy, and I just assumed that the rest will fall into place as well. Then my mom passed away and that shocked me so much! I lost some confidence and I let the devil lie to me again, believing that cancer is different than infertility and much more difficult to get healed, when it shouldn’t be. It’s the same principles that apply, and that works for every kind of illness, but my faith was shaken.

I also gave power to the devil in another way – fear. By being fearful I allowed things to get even worse, I got upset and at that point was where I was tearful at even silly things that should not have upset me at all. I felt like I could not deal with normal daily challenges that usually don’t upset me at all. That was when Shumi’s swelling was at its worst.

Fortunately the swelling has come down a lot, it’s not gone completely, but Shumi looks a lot better again, so much so that I do not contemplate euthanizing him. He is playful again, and he is interested in what goes on around him, he eats well and he just wants love, love and more love from us.

The devil is defeated – Jesus defeated him, and he cannot take Shumi’s life without my permission or co-operation. I’m sure he tried to convince me that euthanizing Shumi would be best, and then we would do the work for him, but I’m not co-operating with that! I keep on reminding myself that God is good, He wants Shumi healed and He has made provision for it already. I must just receive it on Shumi’s behalf. I know it does not look like Shumi is healed, but I don’t have to go on what things look like, when I know that God’s word is true, and when I know what His will is. I must just keep on believing in God’s promises, and not let circumstances sway me or weaken my faith.

I also like to remind myself that the vets gave Shumi a couple of months to live more than a year ago. His life expectancy is already like that of a dog who has received radiation therapy for the cancer, even though Shumi has not received any treatment. So that means that the devil has been hindered in his job – he couldn’t kill Shumi in the normal course of the disease so far, and I fully intend to make it even harder for him from now on.

Satan also tried his very best to make me feel incredibly guilty for my mom’s passing, but I’ve realized that with my mom, it wasn’t just dependant on DH’s and my own faith, because we believed, until the very end. The hard reality is my mom couldn’t believe in her own healing – even when I spoke to her about my miracle pregnancy, I could see in her eyes that she could not believe for the same thing. I gave her books to read, messages to listen to on CD and in MP3 format on her phone, but today I’m sure she didn’t do any of it. Yes, I think I must have discussed it more with her, but an old school friend of my mom’s told me at the funeral that my mom phoned her about 2 weeks before her death and that she could hear my mom had given up on life. That was before she even went in to hospital and I had no idea of any of that!

At the hospital itself we were also surrounded by people who believed the end was near, from the nurses and doctors to visiting family and friends, and no matter how many times DH and I tried to say, “but we have faith that my mom would get healed”, we were met with resistance and comments like, “but you have to be realistic!” Our faith was just too little compared to all the unbelief surrounding my mom…

Fortunately with Shumi’s situation, it’s different. It’s mostly just up to DH and I to believe in Shumi’s healing. We don’t get to deal with other people’s unbelief so much and then only when they come to visit us at home and they see Shumi. I keep on telling people that he is doing well, and what the vet’s diagnosis was over a year ago already, so that helps a little to get them to believe that maybe he will be healed. A lot have had theories like, maybe the diagnosis was wrong, (even our own vet has also wondered about this aloud, that maybe he has a benign tumour), and there was even one theory where they believe his problems are because of a tooth that needs to be pulled. Unfortunately it is very hard for people to believe that God still heals in this day and age, they always try to get some other explanation as well…

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26 Weeks pregnant:

Last night I realized I’m getting very close to starting the third trimester, and I had a little freak out. It feels like there is still so much to do to get ready, so I guess I’ll have to get started with it all. I think I must start with making a list, and then work through that.

Except for my back pain, which is much better by the way, I still feel very good. I enrolled again at the gym for the next three months, because I just wasn’t getting the exercise I needed by walking or swimming at home (like I thought I would do), but I’m taking it easy for now, since I know I’m not fit. But I need to get fit for the birth – my midwife said that natural birth is quite a cardiac workout and I need to be fit for that. One lady that helps out with me at the feeding scheme, her daughter gave birth naturally recently and it was so easy for her, but she was very fit. So that inspired me to get myself off to gym again.

I’ve noticed recently that I’m starting to look lopsided – depending on how our little baby is lying. The other day he was lying on the left side and I had a huge bulge on my tummy on the left and nothing on the right. Also I’ve noticed that my breasts aren’t always the same size. Last Saturday we visited my sister and just before we left I told DH that my one breast looks at least 2 bra sizes bigger than the other. “O, don’t worry,” he said, “they will probably not notice…” Well I think within the first hour my sister said, “Let me just rearrange your top a bit, it looks like your one boob is so much bigger than the other…” I had to confess that it wasn’t the top; my one breast was bigger than the other. But fortunately it seems it was only temporary because they look about the same size again.

Baby is kicking harder and harder and he gets times when he is really active. Last week while we were lying in bed, spooning, DH could feel him kick in his back. Fortunately it’s not sore yet, everybody keeps telling me it will start to get sore and uncomfortable, but I’m not there yet. We still love it to bits and cannot get enough of it.

One advantage of pregnancy that I wish I could keep afterwards is my hair isn’t nearly as oily as it used to be and I don’t have to wash it as often. It also feels more manageable. I’ve always had problems with certain parts curling, but the rest is mostly straight and it seems a lot straighter nowadays. I don’t have to battle to get the kinks out anymore.

DH and I have been researching antenatal classes for the last 2 weeks or so and speaking to a lot of women we personally know who have had children recently and we have decided not to attend antenatal classes. The main reason being we don’t think we will benefit from it much. I have researched the top places that were personally recommended to us and it seems that most of the course content we know already. A lot was covered by our water birth class, especially the important bits regarding the lead up to the birth, the actual birth, birthing positions, what can go wrong, c-sections, and after the birth off course. Then usually they have at least one session on deciding on a caregiver, hospital, the different birth experiences and to choose which you want, which has already been decided by us. Things like the birth plan and breastfeeding will all be done with our midwife, and that is usually 2 more sessions and we think we can research the other things we might still need ourselves.

But I asked DH to give me a commitment for one day where we will make a list of all questions we have, as well as those things we think we might not know that is usually covered with antenatal classes, and then we will work through it together and search for those answers ourselves.

You see, some ladies that know us quite well, and especially those who have trusted us to babysit their children, are confident that between DH and I, we know how to look after a baby. We babysat different children for sometimes a week and up to three weeks, where the parents had to travel abroad, and could not take their children with. The ages differed a lot from small babies up to 6 years or so, and we even had to look after a baby with colic and who was less than six months old at that stage, together with his 2 year old brother. DH helped me so much during those times that I’m very confident that he knows most there is to know.

DH also feels that I’m so good at doing research, due to our past infertility issues and now during the pregnancy that he says he does not think it would be worthwhile to spend a lot of money on 6 or 7 classes and we might only benefit from 1 or 2 of those. So we decided to save that money rather for other classes that seem beneficial to attend after baby is born.

(Ps. It seems that Shumi is doing a lot better again this morning. The swelling around his eye and at the top of his head has gone down a lot and he can see through his eye again. He also greeted us this morning with a toy and wanted to play, play and play. KT was very happy about that, because she always wants to play. So we decided to keep an eye on him and see how he does. At first I thought the swelling was from the tumour, but I’m not so sure anymore, firstly because it came up so quickly and also because it seems to be going down again. It also looks like he has still some will to live in him – He wanted to get into the car this morning to go with DH to work, and DH said to me he will feel too guilty to take him to the vet now, to be put to sleep, when he seems to be better and he loves to ride in the car so much! Praise the Lord! Both DH and I feel so bad that we waivered in our faith…)

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I am so sick and tired of the devil attacking us! Thankfully I recognize his tactics and I know that it comes from him.

It all started last week with my new debit card I got from a new bank. I barely had it for a few days and when I was in the store buying groceries my card was declined. I knew it couldn’t be because there were not sufficient funds as I had just the previous day deposited quite a large amount into the card, and I was buying for less than 20% of the available balance. So I insisted they try again, and it was once again rejected. Then they phoned for authorisation and it was rejected a third time. By that time I felt like the earth should swallow me up, out of embarrassment, since nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I used to work at one of the largest banks in the country for more than 14 years, so I know pretty much all about what can go wrong with cards like this and I could not think of one single reason why it would be rejected. When I got home I phoned the bank immediately and it seemed they froze my account, because apparently they never received my proof of address and identification, yet I gave it to them twice, once when I applied and then again when I received my card. When I told them that, the lady suddenly said, “O, here it is, yes, we have received it, I am so sorry!” and it took her less than a minute to locate my documents and remove the hold on my account. There was absolutely no reason for this to happen, except to get me upset, and at that stage I didn’t realize yet that the devil had his hand in this…

The next thing was on Tuesday morning I took a bath, got out and felt quite good. I started to blow dry my hair and within 5 minutes of standing there I had an incredible pain in my lower back and right hip, so bad that I had to lie down immediately and it felt like I would pass out if I didn’t. After a while I felt better and went to the kitchen to make myself breakfast. I let the dogs into the house and I saw there was a swollen lump over Shumi’s left eye and on the left side of his head. That is the side where the tumour originally started. It upset me quite a bit to see that…

From there I limped around the house to get ready for the feeding Scheme I volunteer at, but I noticed I could not stand for long. So I went, but I sat down on a chair and told them that my back is really sore. I only stood for the 20 minutes or so that it took for me to hand out the bread, and then I had to sit back down again… I went home from there and by the time I got home I just felt like crying and falling down on the bed. Fortunately I made an appointment with my Chiropractor for later that afternoon, since my back was a little sore the day before already. Then I started to get cramps in my tummy and the devil tried to convince of terrible things happening, but I refused to believe that. Fortunately a while later I recognized the cramps as cramps in my colon, and not related to our baby, and it was due to a typical pregnancy symptom, constipation.

The treatment at the chiropractor helped a lot, and she said it was another typical pregnancy related symptom and not due to sciatica that I used to suffer from. She advised I wear a pregnancy support belt around my hips especially when I stand or walk for a while.

Yesterday morning Shumi looked a lot worse than on Tuesday morning. The swelling looked about double from what it was the day before. I felt a bit better, but I decided to wear the support belt, since we were going shopping for a mattress for the cot we bought last week and for materials to make a mosquito net to cover the cot. I was fine at the first shop but at the second shop I was starting to feel the same again as the previous day, and I told DH that we must finish up so that I can go home. So DH looked for a shop assistant to help us, since we made up our minds about what we wanted to buy. He got one and when she was almost where I was a lady interrupted her and asked her to help her instead and this shop assistant stopped, turned around and started helping this other lady. By that time I was sitting on the floor of the shop since I could not stand any longer. I was upset, but I didn’t say anything, and DH decided that he would find me a chair to sit on. So we found one and I told DH that I’m not moving until he found someone else to help us. Well, I barely sat when one of the shop employees tried to tell me that I was sitting in her way, and that I had to move, so I just moved the chair a bit out of the way, and she saw from my face that I was not feeling well at all, and about to burst into tears, so she left me alone after that. Eventually the other lady was finished with her shopping and the original shop assistant was ready to help us, and a few minutes later we were able to go home.

By that time it was well over an hour later than my usual lunch time and I was feeling very hungry and weak and I think I my blood sugar was also low by that time. We got home and found a letter in the mailbox from the municipality stating that they haven’t received a deposit from us to connect the water and electricity, which is nonsense off course, since they never connect it without the deposit. I wasn’t worried about that, but I asked DH to go sort it out after lunch since I didn’t feel up to standing in any queues. A few moments later we realized our electricity was disconnected and we could not make the lunch we wanted to, so DH just ate a sandwich quickly and got into the car with our proof of payment. I was so upset by then that I just went to lie down and felt like crying and crying. And then I suddenly realized what was happening – all this was happening just to upset us. So I got up again out of bed and decided the devil is not going to get what he wants from me…

I made myself a sandwich, I hung the laundry I did earlier on the line and about half an hour later DH was back saying that they don’t know how or why it happened as the computer system says that we have paid our deposit and it was never supposed to be disconnected at all. Apparently the lady at the municipality was so embarrassed and could not stop apologizing for the inconvenience and another half an hour later our electricity was connected again.

By last night we saw the swelling on Shumi’s head and over his eye was much bigger than yesterday morning and he could almost not see out of that eye anymore because it was swollen so much. So DH sat me down and said that we must now discuss the one thing I have been avoiding for almost a year and a half now, euthanizing Shumi.

I feel like a failure, that I failed Shumi and my mom, because I believe that God can and wants to heal, and that He’s made provision for it already as a matter of fact, yet my mom had to die and now Shumi will probably have to die too…

It feels like I’m throwing in the towel, that I’m giving up on Shumi, and that I should have been able to get a breakthrough. I mean I got pregnant didn’t I? Why couldn’t my mom and Shumi be healed too? I know the fault does not lie with God, so then it must lie with me, and I just cannot figure out what more I can do, or what else I should have done, or where my weakness lies…

All I know is that the devil attacked me so much more lately to weaken my resolve, to make me tired and get me to sin so that he can gain power from that, and to get me to give in so that he can once again steal, kill and destroy what I don’t want him too… I know the fact that Shumi got cancer is all my fault. In between my second failed IVF and when Shumi got sick a few months later I can distinctly remember saying so many times aloud, “Nothing must happen to Shumi, because I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to cope with that too…” You see the failures of the 2 IVF’s and a little bit later the failed FET was getting to me, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer also just after my second IVF and it just felt like almost everything was going wrong and I started to fear that something bad will happen to the closest thing I had to a child at that stage and that was Shumi. Saying those things and my fear opened a door for the devil, and allowed him to make Shumi sick…

I slept very poorly again last night, upset about Shumi, and trying to think what else I can do. I know that my faith has wavered a bit since my mom passed away, and that I’ve probably limited God again, by thinking thoughts like, “cancer is so much harder to get healed than infertility.”

All I know is that God has helped us a lot with Shumi – two vets we saw gave Shumi maximum 3 months to live around the middle of July last year. I’ve quoted this before, but I want to share it again:

What is the prognosis for dogs with nasal cavity tumors?
One study of 139 dogs showed that without treatment, the average survival time is 95 days. Another study showed that dogs who underwent surgery alone had median survival 3-6 months, which is comparable to that reported for no treatment. Prognosis of dogs who show symptoms of nose bleeding appears to be worse (median survival of 88 days) compared to those without it (medial survival of 224 days). The median survival time after full course of radiation treatment alone ranges from 8 to 19.7 months, and 43-60% of dogs are alive 1 year after radiation and 11-44% 2 years post-radiation. The use of CT imaging to plan radiation treatment can increase the survival range to 11-19.7 months. Although radiation therapy alone is able to provide local control of nasosinal tumours for approximately 10 months, and thus prolongs the patients’ overall survival, most dogs will eventually die as a result of local disease progression. New approaches to control these tumours need to be developed to further improve the response and overall survival.

Several characteristics are associated with poorer outcomes (shorter survival) in dogs with nasosinal tumours such as being over 10 years old, having a tumour-induced facial deformity, presence of lymph node or other organ metastasis, or lack of resolution of clinical signs after radiation therapy.”

Now if you take into account that Shumi’s nose started bleeding last year in April already and this study said that dogs who had symptoms of nose bleeding had a median survival of 88 days then Shumi should have died somewhere in June or July last year already. That was only when we got the diagnosis of his nasal tumour, and it’s been more than 17 months since his nose bleeds started. I know both vets that have seen Shumi have been baffled as to why he has survived this long without treatment and I really believe it was God, so I will praise Him for that.

I knew facial deformity is one of the symptoms, but I’ve never thought that it would happen so fast. In 2 days his face has swollen up to this:

(I took this picture this morning)

I am scared to take Shumi to the vet and that he will say that we have to have Shumi put down, but I cannot bear to see him suffer either. I had hoped I would never have to make a decision like this. I just cannot take him on my own, I would break down if I have to leave him there, and DH cannot take him today because he has work commitments. Shumi does seem to be uncomfortable and somewhat unhappy about his swollen head, and he definitely does not like it when I touch it, even if it is ever so slightly, but there are also times when he comes to me with a ball in his mouth, wagging his tail with an expression of, “Please mommy, please come play with me!” and then he seems way too healthy to be euthanized…

O, this breaks my heart!

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