More dreams:

I’ve been dreaming about pregnancy again, at least twice since the last time I blogged about it.  The last one was this morning.  I can’t remember the details, but I’m pretty sure I was pregnant in my dreams.  So it seems to be improving, last time wasn’t even sure that I was pregnant.  It also didn’t upset me this week – I felt happy when I woke up.  Maybe the difference was that this time in my dream I was not confused and longing to be pregnant, and maybe that is why I was happy compared to the other dreams…

I found this amazing website today with some incredible healing testimonies and there was something that struck me in one.  It was about this woman who was sick for 45 years and even though she was a Christian and believed in God’s healing power she could not be healed from this condition.   I heard something that struck a chord with me.  There is this one part where they finally realized why she wasn’t getting her healing.  They said, “she might have heard it, and she might have believed it, but her physical problem was more real in her heart, and she still saw herself as ill.”  She couldn’t see herself healed and that’s why she wasn’t seeing results.

That made me think – this past week I’ve had a few instances where I would lay hands on Shumi and suddenly I would get so overwhelmed that I felt like I could just burst out in tears, but not tears of sadness, tears of joy!  I would suddenly say to Shumi, “You know what?  You are healed!  You are not going to die!  You are going to have a full lifespan, and you are going to see our children and play with them and enjoy them like you enjoy other people’s children!  The price was paid, in full!  You are healed!”

Or I would spend some quiet time with God, praying and talking to Him and suddenly I would get that feeling again – I would feel like I can shout for joy and cry for joy at the same time!  It is done!  We are healed!  I know it was the Holy Spirit and I couldn’t help myself!

Well, now that I think about my dreams I wonder if it’s not an indication of what is going on deep down inside me.  A few months ago I had to correct my thoughts every now and then, when I realized that deep down inside me it was difficult to believe that God can make me pregnant without any help from the doctors, or any medication.  I could not see it happen naturally.  I was hoping and believing at times, but not all the time.  But lately I think I’m starting to accept that it can become reality, and maybe that is why I’m dreaming so much about it?  Maybe I’m allowing myself to dream about it because I am starting to believe more and more that it will become my reality…

I think in my heart I’m starting to see myself pregnant…

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Dreams:

I dream a lot about pregnancy and babies lately.  That is not normal for me.  Usually I don’t dream about it at all, only very occasionally, and then mostly that other people are pregnant or have babies…

It started with a dream where I dreamt I was touching my belly like a lot of pregnant women do.  I dreamt I was in hospital for some kind of procedure, but I didn’t know what.  I assumed maybe another laparoscopy or hysteroscopy.  The nurse/sister that did the usual checks, you know blood pressure, medical history, etc, thought I was pregnant, because of the way I was rubbing my tummy and I was totally floored! I wanted to say, “That’s totally impossible!”  And then I noticed that she was upset and it turned out she is infertile!  You know acting the way we know all too well, obviously upset about the thought that I am pregnant and close to tears…  Even though I felt that my heart broke for her I just could not reach out to her to comfort her, because I was so confused.  Why was I there?  Could I be pregnant?  Could it really be?  I still don’t know if I was pregnant in my dream or not…  When I woke up I just wanted to go back to sleep and dream that I was indeed pregnant.  But it never works out that way does it?

Then I dreamt that I was helping some people out – poor people who have very little.  They were living in our inner city, and I think it was through our church that I tried to help them.  I can’t remember how, but somehow through them I met a social worker and she convinced us to become foster parents to a baby.  I’ve forgotten most of the details of my dream, but I can remember I was so excited at that prospect! 

I know there were a few more of those kinds of dreams, but I cannot remember any of them.  Even this morning I dreamt something similar again, but I can’t remember the details.  The last one I remember anything about was yesterday morning where I dreamt I was back at our Fertility Clinic for a scan – a pregnancy scan.  I remember something about the same situation we had when we found out our little baby’s heartbeat had stopped and I walked out of the room wondering – Am I pregnant or not?  Am I having a miscarriage again, or did I just think back to the last time when I had the miscarriage?  Could I be pregnant again?  Could it work out this time?  I certainly wasn’t upset like the last time.  A little while later I dreamt I wasn’t pregnant and the FS wanted to do another cycle to try to get me pregnant.  I just couldn’t do it – the temptation was there, and it was a huge temptation, but I told him no…

Let me tell you it’s hard to sit back and wait on God.  It’s hard not to try and make my own plan.  Every now and then I get so frustrated and impatient.  But I truly believe God wants me to give this matter over to Him and to trust Him completely.  As a matter of fact even if I wanted to do treatments it would just be totally impossible, because we don’t have the funds for it… 

All these dreams I’m having are so frustrating!  It makes me want a baby even more than before.  I wish I can just forget about it, or that God can take this desire away from me. 

But I remind myself that God’s plan is so much better for us than my plan can ever be!  If I’m on God’s side, I’m on the winning side…  I must just be patient and trust God.  Easier said than done…

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I had this dream once:

It’s almost 17 years ago that I had this dream.  DH and I were dating for about 9 months.  I was still quite unsure about our relationship.  Marriage definitely never entered my mind, having children was the last thing I would have thought of…  DH and some of his friends from school went on holiday to Durban – it was a tradition that they had for a few years, and girlfriends were not invited…  A whole week of fun at the beach with no girlfriends to spoil the fun!  They could do whatever they wanted.  I missed him terribly – we saw each other a lot in the beginning stages of our relationship and that was the longest time we were apart since we met.

One morning just before I woke up I had this vivid and super realistic dream:  I dreamt I was in hospital and I had given birth to a baby boy, our baby boy and that the nurse was bringing him to me.  I looked at him as if it was the first time ever I saw him… I remember holding him and looking at him in awe, touching his little body all over and crying because we had a perfect little baby boy, feeling incredible love for this little baby…  I also remember the feeling of love towards DH for giving me this perfect little baby and him standing next to me, incredibly happy and proud of his little son.  I still remember that dream vividly today, like I dreamt it just now, and I can only remember one other dream that I’ve ever dreamt, but that was a nightmare I had as a child every time I had a fever…

I remember I was a bit puzzled about the tears in my dream, I thought it would be a happy occasion, and no reason for tears, but I knew it was tears of joy in the dream.  Today, when I think back over the years of TTC, I know that there will definitely be tears, lots of tears of joy, if we should ever have a baby…

Years later I saw an advertisement on TV – I can’t even remember what they advertised, but it was also about this new mother lying in hospital bed, her legs were pulled up and she had her baby resting against her legs and she was also exploring this perfect little baby, with tears of joy rolling down her cheeks.  The advertisement was very similar, but not exactly the same as my dream, and I know I was shocked to see it.  I’m incredibly thankful that the advertisement is not aired anymore, it would be heartbreaking for any infertile to watch…  Maybe some of you can remember it?

Many times I have wondered about this dream and today is one of those days.  Why did I dream it?  Was it just a dream?  Or could it be prophetic in any way?  I know I used to think that I would prefer girls to boys (before the IF, now I would be grateful for any baby), so it was also somewhat of a surprise that it was a boy in my dreams…  At one stage I thought that it could have been a glimpse of what will happen in the future, but after a few years of TTC, that idea also fell away…  Now I wonder if it was just a way to torture me…

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