I Failed Again:

RIP Shumi : 5 April 2005 - 22 February 2012

Yesterday we had to make a very difficult decision – we had to euthanize Shumi.  It was just getting too bad, there was a huge lump on the left side of his face and his breathing was getting harder and harder.  I knew this decision had to be made soon, and I really hoped that I could get a breakthrough and see full and complete healing for Shumi, but it was not to be.  That is actually the reason I’ve been so scarce on the internet.  I studied and studied and looked for some kind of revelation, but nothing I tried worked…

What makes it so bad is the fact that I know it was God’s will for Shumi to be healed and I know God had healed him in the spiritual realm.  But for some reason I just could not make it manifest in this physical realm.  That is why I say I failed again, just like I did when my mom passed away.  That is not easy to live with and it just makes me realize more why so many people say things like, “maybe it was not God’s will,” because it sure does eases one’s own conscience, but I know the truth and there is no use trying to dodge the responsibility.

It’s my fault Shumi got sick and it’s my fault he died.  I can still clearly remember not long before he got sick I would say things like, “I love you so much, I don’t know what would happen if something should happen to you,” and things like “I hope I never ever have to be in a position where I have to decide whether to euthanize one of my dogs.”  And I not only said those things I had a genuine fear that Shumi would die.  I guess it was brought on by my infertility – I poured all my love on Shumi and treated him almost like a child, and it felt like he and DH was all I had to live for.  So the words and the fear opened a door for the devil to attack us and he did it with cancer…  Then I learnt about supernatural healing and I’ve been studying it for more than a year and a half now, and I still could not get him healed.

Shumi was such a special dog – everyone that knew him thought so.  He was the breeder’s favourite, he bonded as a pup with my sister’s oldest daughter when she was just 21 months old and Shumi was 6 months old (those two were inseparable) and all our neighbours that lived around us loved him to bits.

He was so social that he would visit our neighbours in the estate we lived in and he even sometimes slept over in their houses.  If anyone had a social gathering on at their house, Shumi would be there and all their guests also knew him and loved him.  Once I even saw a stranger, a woman, sit on the sidewalk across from our house watching our house.  I called DH and he went outside to talk to her – it turned out she lived outside our estate, but for some reason she sometimes came there and visited Shumi.  That particular day Shumi was inside the house with us, so she waited outside patiently hoping to see him.

Even people who weren’t dog lovers loved him, because he was so well behaved.  A lot of people think boxers are naughty dogs and need a lot of attention – I can honestly say Shumi was never a naughty dog.  I’ve wondered many times what the dog whisperer would have thought of him because he really had no issues at all.

He was so happy to see baby G when we brought him home, but Shumi just stood about a metre away and wagged his tail, as if he knew he couldn’t touch or lick baby G due to the blood and snot coming from the lump on his head.  That made me so sad, because Shumi absolutely adored children and puppies, and he never could enjoy or get to know baby G due to his illness.  At least he saw him…

My heart is broken and I miss him so much, but I know his suffering is over now.  I know some people say animals have no souls or spirits and when they die, they just die, but I like to believe he is in heaven now, in a perfect body, with no more pain or discomfort, playing with all our babies and my mom and our previous boxers, Pippin, Tiger and Simbi…

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Let God fight your battles:

Almost 2 weeks ago I posted some pictures of what Shumi looked like. I mentioned that he still loves to play with KT though and that same night DH took a video of it. I have posted it on Yo.u Tu.be, so that you can see that although he looks bad physically, he still has a lot of energy left and in my opinion a will to live.

I took Shumi to the vet last week to hear what can be done about the lump. The vet kept him overnight and made a hole in between his eyes and drained a lot of puss from the lump. At first it looked really bad, and I wondered if I did the right thing, but he is actually a lot better! A lot of the swelling has gone down and some of the scabs from his old wounds have fallen off. The vet even said that Shumi is still way to lively to be put down and he also said that if he looks at the way things have progressed during the last 19 months since I first took Shumi to him with his first nosebleeds, that Shumi might still live for quite some time. I asked him his opinion on why Shumi is still alive, and he is totally stumped! He does not have any medical explanation, but I do have one off course! I know it can only have been God! And that gives me more hope again to believe for full healing for Shumi.

Anyway I promised you another message a while ago already, so here it is:

The other message that I originally posted was this one about David and Goliath, and once again this teaching is from a different perspective so also worthwhile to share with you… I am quoting from Bro.ther Yu.n’s Book “Liv.ing Wa.ter”

“In order to see what God is doing today, we must cultivate a close intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and view things from God’s perspective. Even if we see a giant standing before us, we should not be intimidated. The giant might be real, but Jesus Christ is the Truth who can bring peace and freedom to any situation. Even when we are struggling, we should stop and meditate on the fact that Jesus has purchased us as His own possession. To do so, He paid the highest price – His own life. Those who have been born again into God’s kingdom now belong to Jesus. They are inseparable, to such an extent that the Bible says, “If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself.” (2 Timothy 2: 13)

As we begin to serve our Saviour, we need to understand that God’s work must be done God’s way. We must rely on His wisdom alone and not on man’s wisdom, “For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.” (1 Corinthians 1:25) As you serve God, you will surely experience much opposition. When this happens you need to know who you are, who you are not, who is the enemy you are facing and who is the Lord you are serving.

If you have been saved and restored into right relationship with God, then you should never accept the taunts of the enemy. When the enemy mocks and attempts to intimidate you, it is imperative that you stand up in the authority of Jesus Christ and refuse to accept it!

Let us consider the story of David and Goliath. The first thing to note is that Goliath’s very appearance caused fear. The Bible paints the following dramatic picture: “He was over nine feet tall. He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armour of bronze weighing five thousand shekels; on his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back. His spear shaft was a weaver’s rod, and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels. His shield bearer went in front of him.” (1 Samuel 17:4-7)

The enemy always tries to scare God’s people and cause them to become incapacitated by fear. For forty long days Goliath stood up and threatened the Israelites. His threats achieved their purpose, for the Bible records that “on hearing the Philistine’s words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed and terrified.” (1 Samuel 17:11)

Remember that “the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.” (1 Corinthians 1:25) God chose to respond to this threat not by sending of Israel’s great warriors to fight Goliath, nor even by cutting the giant down by divine intervention. Rather, God chose a young boy named David – the youngest of eight brothers – to destroy the enemy and silence their blasphemies.

On the morning of the fortieth consecutive day, Goliath came out and mocked the people of God. By this time the whole of the Israelite army had been thoroughly terrorized and traumatized to such an extent that “when the Israelites saw the man, they all ran from him in great fear.” (1 Samuel 17:24)
On this particular day, however, young David happened to be visiting the camp and heard Goliath’s voice for himself. Something stirred deep within his spirit, and he asked, “Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he could defy the armies of the living God?” (17:26)

Together we are armies of the living God today. We are the armies of Jesus Christ. The Lord God calls all of His children to fight in His name, but many fall prey to fear and intimidation. If they manage to overcome their fears, the Devil uses different strategies in a bid to disarm and cripple the obedient Christian.

One of his favourite tactics is to cause other believers to bring discouragement. This is what happened to David. His oldest brother, Eliab, “burned with anger at him and asked, ‘Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the desert? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle.” (1 Samuel 17:28)

Isn’t it strange that Eliab would “burn with anger” just because his brother showed more courage than he did? Eliab also resorted to slander in order to keep his young brother in line, even telling David, “I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle.” Satan often uses family members to bring discouragement. The closer a person is to you, the more crippling their discouragement is. This is often what happens in the church today, as our own brothers and sisters in the Lord end up trying to prevent us from following what God has told us to do.

It reveals much of David’s heart that even though he was just a young boy, he refused to be affected by his brother’s discouragement. In fact, David approached King Saul and boldly announced, “Let no one lose heart on account of this Philistine; your servant will go and fight him.” (1 Samuel 17:32)

Another interesting thing happened before David slew Goliath. Before he went out to meet the giant, “Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armour on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. ‘I cannot go in these,’ he said to Saul, ‘because I am not used to them.’ So he took them off. Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.” (1 Samuel 17:38-40)

David was used to a simple life as a shepherd. He was familiar with using a sling and had both killed a lion and a bear while protecting his sheep. Don’t try to be someone God didn’t make you. It will just be awkward and diminish your effectiveness for the Lord.

I believe God did not allow David to go into battle with Saul’s armour and weapons, as people might have been tempted to credit David’s success to the equipment he was wearing rather than to the Lord God alone. It is our all-powerful, all-knowing Sovereign who has declared, “How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another.” (Isaiah 48:11)

After David killed Goliath, news of what happened quickly spread to the surrounding nations, and there was no mistaking the fact that God provided the victory. David had declared to the Philistine, “You come against me with a sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will hand you over to me, and I’ll cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and He will give all of you into our hands.” (1 Samuel 17:45-47)”

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Midnight revelations:

A few nights ago I once again had trouble sleeping. It took a while to get to sleep and only a few hours later I was awake again, and then it felt like hours passed before I fell asleep again just as the birds woke up. But that time was not wasted, because I was thinking about quite a lot of stuff, especially Shumi, and where I’m failing, and I got another revelation. I know it already, but sometimes one doesn’t see things clearly, especially when it concerns yourself… I think God has been trying to tell me this for a while already, but somehow I just didn’t listen, or didn’t want to listen maybe… I’ve realized there were signs or hints, which made me realize I had to attend to something, but I just brushed it away, and went on with what I was doing. Until that sleepless night when I had lots to think about and I could follow the trail until I got to the revelation, and I want to share that with you today – maybe someone else will also benefit from it.

There were 3 separate incidences that I can identify as signs or hints, because they all had to make me think about the same topic. I can’t really recall which happened first, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. One instance was a comment made on this blog about salvation and keeping the Law of Moses. That comment was in response to me saying that I know God does not want to punish me for every wrong thing I do, because I know that the punishment was already fully taken by Jesus through His sacrifice. I answered on that comment, but there was a lingering feeling that maybe I didn’t follow the trail of thought through fully and answered completely, but I brushed it off and forgot about it.

Another thing that bothered me a bit was a comment DH made to me once. At the time I didn’t realize it, but I’ve had some unresolved anger building up in me, especially lately, and I think it has to do with my mom’s death and Shumi’s illness. I tried to suppress it, and generally I never take out my frustrations on loved ones, so it came out in other ways. One way was when I got so upset about my new debit card not working – I really got so angry, like I haven’t been in a long time, and I let the call centre operator hear it! There is one other person though, someone I get to deal with on a weekly basis, that somehow rubs me up the wrong way, and I never let her see it, but later at home I can’t help making comments and sometimes they are nasty… DH heard me mutter something, and immediately he said, “What has S done this time…” I immediately felt bad, because I realized that I was complaining a lot about this person, especially lately, and maybe I’ve been too hard on her, but I once again did not think about it for very long.

The last message was the fact that I started reading the book of Romans since last week in my Bible study time and really a lot of it has to deal with the law again, and how we are saved by grace through faith and not through works like keeping the law. During the night while I was lying awake I realized that I’ve been focussing on how God does not want to punish us, because Jesus already carried the punishment for us, long before we even sinned, but I conveniently ignored the law. I knew it was still important to keep the law, but why?

For some reason I thought back to my last IVF last year, and how I did not understand things so well then compared to what I know now. Because I did a mini IVF, I didn’t get my stimms from my fertility clinic like I did with my other IVF’s. I bought it at Dis.chem since their price was a bit cheaper than what my clinic would have charged me. They didn’t have all the injections that I needed, but they did have a few and enough to get me started. Somehow the pharmacist made a mistake and charged me for 1 less injection than she gave me. When I paid I realized that the total was less than what I worked it out in my mind, but I paid and left the shop.

All the way home it bothered me and I couldn’t figure out where a mistake was made. When I got home I looked at the slip and only then did I realize what had happened. I immediately felt guilty and felt like I stole that one injection. The second thought that came into my head was, “I hope God does not punish me for this by ensuring that I don’t get pregnant.” Like I said – I still had a lot to learn.

The fear of punishment prompted me to phone the pharmacy and speak to them and rectify the mistake. The poor pharmacist was so happy I phoned and pointed out her mistake and she made a note on the computer that I must pay for the other injection when I come to fetch the last few. I’m sure she would have been in some kind of trouble if I hadn’t come forward and offered to pay, because she kept on saying, “thank you so much for calling and rectifying this.”

While I was lying in bed thinking about all this, I realized – “No, God would not have punished me by giving me a BFN.” I was totally sure of that fact, but then something else struck me. It could have ended in a BFN, but it wouldn’t have been caused by God. I would have given power over my life to the devil and through me handing him that power, he could have killed our embies and caused a BFN.

That was when I realized that the only reason we shouldn’t sin is because that is one way of giving power to the devil. We might believe that God has saved us, we might believe that God has healed us, but if we keep sinning we will never defeat the devil. I saw so clearly that I need to let go of certain sins, and if I do that the power of the devil will decrease. It’s all things that I knew, that I’ve practised a while ago and even had some victory over, but I got lax and I let small things slip, and then it got worse and worse again…

We had one victory, our pregnancy, and I just assumed that the rest will fall into place as well. Then my mom passed away and that shocked me so much! I lost some confidence and I let the devil lie to me again, believing that cancer is different than infertility and much more difficult to get healed, when it shouldn’t be. It’s the same principles that apply, and that works for every kind of illness, but my faith was shaken.

I also gave power to the devil in another way – fear. By being fearful I allowed things to get even worse, I got upset and at that point was where I was tearful at even silly things that should not have upset me at all. I felt like I could not deal with normal daily challenges that usually don’t upset me at all. That was when Shumi’s swelling was at its worst.

Fortunately the swelling has come down a lot, it’s not gone completely, but Shumi looks a lot better again, so much so that I do not contemplate euthanizing him. He is playful again, and he is interested in what goes on around him, he eats well and he just wants love, love and more love from us.

The devil is defeated – Jesus defeated him, and he cannot take Shumi’s life without my permission or co-operation. I’m sure he tried to convince me that euthanizing Shumi would be best, and then we would do the work for him, but I’m not co-operating with that! I keep on reminding myself that God is good, He wants Shumi healed and He has made provision for it already. I must just receive it on Shumi’s behalf. I know it does not look like Shumi is healed, but I don’t have to go on what things look like, when I know that God’s word is true, and when I know what His will is. I must just keep on believing in God’s promises, and not let circumstances sway me or weaken my faith.

I also like to remind myself that the vets gave Shumi a couple of months to live more than a year ago. His life expectancy is already like that of a dog who has received radiation therapy for the cancer, even though Shumi has not received any treatment. So that means that the devil has been hindered in his job – he couldn’t kill Shumi in the normal course of the disease so far, and I fully intend to make it even harder for him from now on.

Satan also tried his very best to make me feel incredibly guilty for my mom’s passing, but I’ve realized that with my mom, it wasn’t just dependant on DH’s and my own faith, because we believed, until the very end. The hard reality is my mom couldn’t believe in her own healing – even when I spoke to her about my miracle pregnancy, I could see in her eyes that she could not believe for the same thing. I gave her books to read, messages to listen to on CD and in MP3 format on her phone, but today I’m sure she didn’t do any of it. Yes, I think I must have discussed it more with her, but an old school friend of my mom’s told me at the funeral that my mom phoned her about 2 weeks before her death and that she could hear my mom had given up on life. That was before she even went in to hospital and I had no idea of any of that!

At the hospital itself we were also surrounded by people who believed the end was near, from the nurses and doctors to visiting family and friends, and no matter how many times DH and I tried to say, “but we have faith that my mom would get healed”, we were met with resistance and comments like, “but you have to be realistic!” Our faith was just too little compared to all the unbelief surrounding my mom…

Fortunately with Shumi’s situation, it’s different. It’s mostly just up to DH and I to believe in Shumi’s healing. We don’t get to deal with other people’s unbelief so much and then only when they come to visit us at home and they see Shumi. I keep on telling people that he is doing well, and what the vet’s diagnosis was over a year ago already, so that helps a little to get them to believe that maybe he will be healed. A lot have had theories like, maybe the diagnosis was wrong, (even our own vet has also wondered about this aloud, that maybe he has a benign tumour), and there was even one theory where they believe his problems are because of a tooth that needs to be pulled. Unfortunately it is very hard for people to believe that God still heals in this day and age, they always try to get some other explanation as well…

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More on my mom:

Yesterday morning when we got to the hospital, my dad got a message that the oncologist wanted to see him immediately.  So he went to the consulting rooms while I waited with my mom in her room.  She was asleep and not aware of me at all.  When my dad came back he was quite upset.  The doctor told him that they are giving up with all treatments as there is nothing they can do for my mom anymore.  He said that they will keep her comfortable, but they cannot give her anymore chemo or radiation because she is just too weak.

My cousin J was also there and she wanted to know if my mom could get a different drip that would feed her as my mom was looking skeletal and since she was just sleeping she could not eat at all.  The sister came to talk to us to explain that the saline drip is sufficient for her in her state and that we must basically must make peace with the fact that is going to get worse and worse and that we must start thinking of letting her go.  She said that she will be home with Jesus soon.  After hearing that so soon after my dad’s news all of us were quite emotional and upset.  So the nurses and doctors have given up all hope of her recovering from this.

A lot of family came to visit and among them my one cousing T who is a medical trauma doctor.  She said that my mom will go into a coma and that she will soon just slip away painlessly.  That was so hard to hear!  She also said that my mom will not wake up again.  I did not like hearing any of these things and I just said to myself that I will not accept that as a final decision!

Moments later we went back into my mom’s room and guess what happened!  For the first time yesterday she actually woke up!  She looked around at each one of us in the room and I could see her recognising each person!  My cousin was speechless, but I’m sure very glad to be proven wrong.

Today she was awake a bit more than yesterday and although she still looked very weak and asleep most of the time she did look a bit better to me.  When she woke she again looked at everyone and she even smiled a little once, and seemed to be interested in some of the conversation in the room.

My mom is one of 8 children and the third youngest, and all the others are still alive and well.  Her 2 sisters live in the Netherlands so they cannot come and visit, but all my mom’s brothers live here in South Africa.  All of my mom’s brothers came to visit her except 2 who live in the Cape, but they will see her tomorrow.   The one is flying in tomorrow and the other one apparently drove up today – I hope they came here safely because I heard a lot of roads and mountain passes were closed due to snow.

A lot of my cousins also came to visit and some of them I haven’t seen in years, so it was so good to get to see them again!  But like my DH says it’s sad that we get together at terrible times like these and not in happy times.

Although a lot of people think my mom is dying, I just cannot accept that at the moment.  I still have hope that my mom will recover.  I believe in Jehovah Rapha, I have experienced one miracle already so I know another is totally possible!  I know it’s not God’s will for her to be so sick, and I know its not His fault or that He caused it.  I also know Jesus paid the price a long time ago already so I will anticipate things to get better and better and that she will be healed.  Some people say I must get realistic, but I just cannot give up on my mom!  With God nothing is impossible and I will rejoice and praise His name, because I know He is faithful!

Thank you all for your prayers and messages of support – I realize that I have made some absolutely awesome internet friends who are such a great support to me!  You have really helped me over these last few days and I needed it soo much!  You are all awesome!

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What a terrible weekend:

My mom has deteriorated so much in 2 days it’s unbelievable.  On Friday I spent the whole day with her, my sister and my cousin J were also there with my dad, and although she could not walk much she could still talk to us.  Thursday night two ureteric stents were placed between her kidneys and her bladder and she got a catheter in the hope that it would help with the swelling.

This morning my mom could not speak anymore and she can barely move her arms.  She cannot feed herself anymore and they took out the catheter and she’s on adult nappies now.  When I said earlier this week that my mom was thin I could not believe that she can get any thinner, but at the moment har face is so sunken in that you basically just see eyes and teeth when she opens her mouth.  I was able to encircle her upper arm with my thumb and index finger, so thin is her arms.  She looks like she is just skin and bones in her upper body, yet her abdomen and legs are more than double what they normally were.  She needs oxygen to help her breathe and later in the day it even seemed she could not swallow her food anymore.  I cannot explain to you how drastic she has deteriorated in 2 days.  It is incredibly scary, and my poor dad could barely sleep last night because he kept on expecting the hospital to phone with bad news.

We still don’t know what is going on – why she is so sick and deteriorating so much.  I don’t even know if the doctors know, and they don’t really tell us much.  As far as I can tell they have only given my mom some pain medication, some more blood and some medication for the swelling, and she is still deteriorating.  I cannot see how they can save my mom’s live with what they are doing.

My only hope is with God – I know He can and wants to heal my mom.  But it is so hard to believe for healing if you see your own mom looking so bad.  I need help here, please, please believe with me for healing for my mom.  That is all I can trust in at the moment…

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News on my mom:

Well, we still don’t know much about what is actually wrong.  On Monday my mom first saw the radiation oncologist.  He said her body can’t cope with the Chemo and that they should rather go to plan B which is radiation.

They also did an ultrasound scan on my mom on Monday, as they cannot do a CT scan so soon after the last one.   There they saw some extra spots on my mom’s kidneys and some in her abdominal area. They also looked for blood clots in her legs as my mom’s legs are really very swollen and they were a bit dumbfounded as to the origin of the swelling as there weren’t any blood clots.  

Yesterday my mom saw the Chemo oncologist and he said that he thinks that she should continue with the Chemo as it seems like the cancer is spreading and spreading fast because of the new spots they picked up on the ultrasound.   The problem with radiation is they can treat specific areas, but if the cancer is spreading then you will miss it if it’s outside that area, but Chemo will kill any cancer in your body no matter where it is…  He intends to monitor her blood more frequently and apparently my mom’s blood platelets are nice and high after the transfusion.  We don’t know when she will get more Chemo, since she was supposed to get the second one today, but I guess they first want to get her better and then they will decide.

This morning suddenly there was a new theory surrounding the swelling (which has reached my mom’s body now and she is swollen from just below her boobs all the way to her feet).  They suggested my mom see an urologist, and because of that she had to be transferred to a different hospital.  They think that maybe there is some kind of blockage somewhere around her kidneys or bladder and that is causing her to swell up.  Apparently she is drinking more fluids than she is urinating out of her body.  That can also be the cause of all the pain she’s had recently.  I can tell that my mom hopes that this diagnosis is the right one and not the one of yesterday.  She does sound a bit more hopeful and positive today. 

Last I spoke to her, my mom was still waiting for the urologist, so we don’t know if there is indeed a blockage, and if so where, or what the treatment will be.  So we are still waiting to hear what exactly the diagnosis is, but my mom does feel a bit better and the pain is better, but I suspect that is because she is getting pain medication, although she says she is not getting any.  The thing is when I saw her yesterday and every time I speak to her on the phone she sounds drugged – her speech is a bit slurred and she sometimes says weird things that have nothing to do with the conversation or she gets some facts confused. 

It’s been hard these last few days, but once more I know all I can do is trust in God and that I must keep my eyes on Jesus.  He will carry us all through this difficult time!

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My mom is in hospital again:

When I phoned my mom this morning she told me she is being admitted to hospital again.  She was in a lot of pain over the weekend and last time I saw her she complained of pain in her liver, so I assume it’s the same pain…  She’s been looking very ill during the last week or so and it seems she just feels worse every time I see her or speak to her.

I don’t know much since she hasn’t seen the doctor yet and apparently they are going to do more tests, but I’m not sure what they will be testing.  All I know is she does not feel good at all and she actually cried when I spoke to her.

She was supposed to feel much better by now.  The oncologist said that the Chemo would only make her feel sick for about a week and that the other 3 weeks would not be so bad.  Well, it’s almost 4 weeks since the chemo and she just feels worse as the time goes by and this is the second time since the first Chemo that she’s been admitted to hospital…

We also don’t know what the POA is for further treatments as the doctor did not want to commit to anything until this coming Wednesday…

So all we can do is wait and see.  I hate that!

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Feedback on my mom:

My mom went for her first chemotherapy treatment again last week Wednesday.  I’m not sure which cancer they are treating her for, but she said this time it is a lot stronger than last time.  She really felt horrible on Friday and Saturday and she was basically in bed all day.  This time she is incredibly weak, tired and even nauseous and she said she had to vomit a couple of times.  The doctor said that the side effects will be gone after a week so she hopes that is the case.

She will get the chemo once every 4 weeks and they did not say how many treatments want to give her, it will all depend on how her  body reacts, especially her blood platelets – they will try for as long as possible and then go over to radiation if necessary.

My dad said that once again the doctors aren’t 100% sure that she does have cancer.  Her cancer marker test came back high and that is an indication that there might be cancer, and in the past those tests were always normal.  But I think that is all indication that they have, because I haven’t been told directly that they found traces of cancer from her liver biopsy.  So it’s once again a preventative treatment, just like last time with her para-aortic glands.

My friend “G” says the oncologists just try to keep you alive, and they don’t try to cure you, because they want to make as much money out of you as possible.  Maybe he is a bit cynical since he’s had his cancer for such a long time now, but I’m also starting to feel like the doctors are just trying to make their bit of money out of my mom.  I’m not sure they have her best interests at heart, because chemo is not something you want to go through if it can be helped or prevented at all, and since she had such a bad reaction to the lighter dose of chemo, I am not convinced that it is the best treatment for my mom.

But I haven’t spoken to her doctor and all the information I have is what I get from my parents, and that is not always a lot of information.  I get it in bits and pieces and maybe I don’t have the full picture.  And I can definitely not advise my mom not to go for any treatments – she needs to do what she thinks is best.  It is after all her life and she is the one that has to cope with the treatments and the side effects.  I guess one cannot criticize some one if you haven’t been through what they have been through.

It just breaks my heart to know she is not feeling good and it’s all due to the chemo, and I also cannot forget about all the other problems she’s developed due to damage being done to her colon and bone marrow from her first stint at radiation, and her one leg is swollen due to the last radiation, and caused by problems with the lymph drainage from her leg, so that makes me wonder what damage will be done from these treatments.  As it is, one of the theories for the spots on her liver is that it was caused by the last sessions of chemotherapy she’s had…

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My Mom Got Bad News Again….

My mom went for another CT scan a week and a half ago and although the para-aortic glands seem completely dead and shrivelled up they found some spots on her liver.  Both the oncologists that have treated her (the chemo and radiation oncologists) looked at the results and they were both dumbfounded.  Apparently neither of them has seen anything like that before.

So they referred her for a biopsy and a week ago they removed a bit of her liver via a laparoscopic procedure to analyze.  Last Friday my mom was told by the chemo oncologist that it is once again cancerous and that he wants to do chemo again.  They just want to compare the results to the analysis that was done from my mom’s uterus as they aren’t sure if it is some of the endometrial cancer on the liver or if it is in fact liver cancer…  It is important that they know which it is as there is a difference in the chemotherapy that is needed for the two different types of cancers.  Apparently liver cancer is much more aggressive and needs a much stronger dose.

So she should find out this week which treatment they will go ahead with and actually get her first chemo treatment at the same time.  Shame, her hair had just grown back nicely and she’s only recently been able to cut it in a decent short hairstyle and now it will all start all over again…  I’m a bit worried about these next chemo treatments as last time she wasn’t on a strong dose, but she had to stop early as her blood platelets took too long to regenerate.  But the doctor still wants to try again.  He said that if the chemo doesn’t work again then she will go back to radiation treatments…

I had really hoped that she was completely cured from cancer but it seems that it is not the case.  I’m not going to stop believing in full and complete healing for her though…  She is getting her first grandson in December and he will need his granny…  She did say last week that she knows she needs to fight this, especially for her grandchildren’s sake, so I hope that will be enough motivation for her…

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My mom got good news!

My mom saw the oncologist that did her radiation again yesterday, 2 weeks after she stopped treatment and he said that he cannot feel the para-aortic glands anymore.  He was able to feel them with his hands before.  He said he is 100% sure that the treatment worked and will keep on working for at least 3 more months.  He also said that those glands should be completely dead, that due to the treatment there cannot be anymore life in it, so there cannot be anymore cancer left in it.  She will see the oncologist that did the chemotherapy next week and go for blood tests again, but since her blood tests were always negative for cancer we don’t expect any problems there. 

My mom expects that they will take another CT scan in about 3 month’s time and I am confident that we will then hear that all is well.  My mom says that the radiation was more accurate this time, they treated her from 4 angles instead of 3 like her first time, and they did it for minutes at a time, where her first time was only seconds per angle.   So the treatment was concentrated to a smaller area, but more intense on that area. 

My mom’s bowels are also much better, she hasn’t had any more bleeding in a long time and the IBS symptoms are getting less by the day.  She says she feels much, much better than a few months ago.  She is still a bit tired from the radiation, but that is also getting better by the day.  She looks good too, she’s picked up a bit of weight and doesn’t look almost anorexic anymore, and her hair has grown so much that she threw away her wig.  Her hair has grown out nice and thick, it’s still short and she’s coloured it already, but she will probably go cut it soon in a nice short hairstyle. 

Praise the Lord!  Thank you Jesus!  We are so thankful that it all worked out well!

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