I have confidence in the Lord!

Thank you all for your messages of comfort with my last post.  I really am blessed by the people that read this blog.  And I must say God blesses me even more and I just want to share that with you.  I received “bad news” on Tuesday, but I did not see it as bad news.  I didn’t get upset or depressed or anything like that.  Why?  Because God is faithful and good.  God has comforted me so much with messages of hope all week long, that I cannot doubt that all this will work out for good.  I trust God completely.

That just shows you how much I have grown in the last few months.  There were times when I was frantic with worry, where I tried to make plans of my own to try and control the outcome of my own, Shumi’s, my mom’s or anyone else’s health…  Now I’m not even tempted to do that because I know they have been healed already.  The price was paid in full about 2000 years ago.  Nothing more can be done.  I am just waiting for proof of that healing.  I am waiting for God to complete the work He has started in us.  And I am waiting in anticipation!

I want to share some scriptures with you that have encouraged me so far this week.

1 John 4:17 (Amp):  “¹⁷In this [union and communion with Him] love is brought to completion and attains perfection with us, that we may have confidence for the day of judgment [with assurance and boldness to face Him], because as He is, so are we in this world.”

Hebrews 11:6 (Amp):  “⁶But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out].”

The message that I basically heard this week was:  “never give up, be determined, keep strong in your faith and God will reward you for that.”

Now how can one get discouraged with that?

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My mom says her meeting with the new Radiologist (I think that is what he is called) went well, he thinks she might only have to get 10 or maybe 15 treatments and not 25 as the Oncologist suggested.  It sounds like he has experience with this specific problem my mom has and she has a lot more confidence in this new doctor than the previous one.  It also seems this doctor gets quite a lot of patients that switch from my mom’s previous doctor to him. 

My mom will be monitored after a few treatments to see how she responds and the treatment will be adjusted accordingly.  (Something that the other doctor never did)  Obviously my mom is happy, because it seems better than originally suggested.  Also she will begin with treatment soon, last time she had to wait about 2 months before they could fit her into their schedule, and with this doctor it won’t take so long.  She has one appointment on Monday already to start the planning process and she will hopefully find out then when they will actually start with the treatments. 

Last time my mom went for radiation she went from Monday to Friday for 5 consecutive weeks, and I think this time will be the same except it will hopefully only be 2 or 3 weeks. 

I am not worried at all; I am confident all will go well and that God is in charge!  Jesus holds the keys to death and I know he will not allow the devil to kill my mom, “G” or Shumi…

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2010 in hindsight:

Last year was rough. One of the toughest ever, but I think also one of the most memorable. So much happened and although I felt at times that I would not survive it, I did! I don’t want to complain in this post, because you all know by know what my hardships were. Instead I want to marvel at God – how absolutely awsome He is and what He did for us.

When I think back to the beginning of the year I couldn’t wait to get my hysteroscopy over and done with, to remove the polyp and get going with my FET. The operation was really easy and I healed well. I had read up a lot about intralipids and I just had this feeling that the intralipids was what I needed to get pregnant and even though my FS did not believe it would work I was able to convince him that it could not hurt to try it.

In February we went ahead with a natural FET – no medication before hand as the FS explained to me that high levels of oestrogen was causing the polyps. I had a perfect follicle and lining and I was triggered when the follicle was big enough. I had 9 embryo’s left from my previous IVF. With my previous IVF they transferred three 8 cell embryo’s on day 3 and the rest were all frozen. There were 2 more 8 cell embryo’s frozen, some 6 cells, some 4 cells and even a 2 cell. I knew not all were good enough, but I had hoped that I would at least be able to do 2 FET’s. On ET day I was told only 2 survived the thaw out of the 9. Those 2 were only 3 cells each and bad quality – the worst quality they rate at my clinic. So it was no surprise that even though I had the intralipids for the first time I didn’t get pregnant. Intralipids cannot fix bad quality embryo’s. It was still a shock and a big disappointment to me to get the news of a BFN only a few days before my birthday. The interesting thing was that this time my beta was 2. Previously I always got a beta of <5 on the report. I don’t know whether it meant something or not, it was still a BFN, but it was certainly the first time that I knew some HCG was in my body.

I went to see my FS about 2 weeks later and he suggested that we do a mini IVF. For 3 reasons: 1. He didn’t want to give me too strong medication as it could cause another polyp, 2. I stimmed well, I made 14 eggs with both previous IVF’s which my FS found that to be too much anyway, and 3. My embryo’s did not do well with the freezing and thawing process and that was another reason not to get too many embryo’s. Initially we said the FET’s would be our last chance, but when the FS suggested the mini IVF, and the costs were quite a bit less than a normal IVF, we decided to make a plan and go ahead with it.

I started writing in the beginning of the year, but I was not comfortable to share it with anyone. It did not come easy, but I managed to write down some stuff that was incredibly hard to admit to myself let alone anyone else. Some time in March I felt compelled to start this blog, but the writing style and topics were so different to what I wrote about previously. This time it was not hard to write at all. It came easy and I loved it. I think most of it did not come from me, but was inspired by the Holy Spirit, because every time I try to write something about other stuff, it’s hard again, and just does not seem to work…

At first when I got my BFP I found it strange to have battled infertility for 10.5 years and suddenly only a month after I started my blog I’m pregnant. How’s that for timing? I cannot believe that it was coincidence. Another thing that I realized much later was that just after I started my blog, Shumi started to get sick. I just didn’t realize it at the time. In the first week of April Shumi started to get nosebleeds, not a lot and not too often, but enough for me to take him to the vet. I remember this as it was around his birthday which is the 5th of April. The vet mentioned that it could be cancer, but I refused to even entertain the thought. The bleeding stopped after the visit to the vet and I didn’t think about it again until a few months later. My mom had also just stopped her radiation treatment and we were all hopeful that she was completely healed.

Our pregnancy was off course the highlight of the year – something that was just a dream come true and a absolute miracle to us. I cannot tell you in words the joy we felt in knowing that eventually I was pregnant. The thought of miscarriage did not even cross my mind. I always thought that God would protect me from miscarriage – we battled so long to get pregnant, I just assumed that everything would go well afterwards, that we deserved a problem free pregnancy. Or in the least that God would not take away the miracle that He gave us in the first place. I was so wrong in my thinking!

But I did miscarry and shortly afterwards Shumi got sick again and was diagnosed with cancer, my mom found out she had to go for Chemo therapy, because the PET scan was inconclusive and they could not say whether she had cancer or not, so it was best to be cautious and treat her for cancer…

That was when I felt the bottom had dropped out completely. I had lost our miracle baby and the closest thing to a child of our own was our beloved dog Shumi, who was terminally ill, and more than 1 vet told us there is nothing they can do for him, and all of that together with my mom’s illness was just about too much to handle. I felt like I was going to lose my mind, and I had so many questions regarding why this was happening to us. One day I read an article in the “Joy” magazine about Jo.hn G La.ke Mini.stries after I begged God to give me answers to all my questions. That led me to listen to their course “The Di.vine Hea.ling Tech.nician” and that opened my eyes to a whole different side of God, and Jesus Christ and my view on Christianity. God also led me to some other resources that confirmed what I learnt there, and if you look back to my previous posts you will see that I mention them all.

So many of the things I believed were proven wrong. I learnt that God does not cause or even allow illness, or infertility or miscarriages. I learnt that the person to blame was the devil, not God. I learnt that I was doing a lot of stuff wrong and that my wrong actions allowed these bad things to happen. I learnt to trust God completely, and to stop trusting in myself, medicine and doctors. I’m not saying it’s wrong to trust in medicine or doctors, but that in certain instances they will still fail you, and then there is nothing else you can trust in but God, and that was what I had to do. I had to learn to be patient, to be at peace, to stop worrying and find rest with God. I learnt there is power in the Word of God, and the words we speak and the thoughts we think. If those words or thoughts are negative, then it will influence your life negatively, and if you are positive it will influence your life positively. I learnt to see and appreciate the small miracles from day to day. I learnt to accept and receive God’s blessings and love, to stay close to Him and let Him comfort me. I learnt to start expecting good things to happen, and not to get discouraged when they don’t happen as quickly as I would like it to happen. I learnt to be obedient to God and do what He requires from me.

I was really impatient in the beginning when I learnt about God’s healing power – I wanted instant healing, like you read about in the Bible, but I learnt that it does not always happen instantly. I believe it works differently for everybody, because we don’t always understand or learn our lessons quickly. When I did not see results quickly I tried to get help from others, but it seems God wanted me to deal with this on my own. I get the idea He wants me to grow and learn from this, and not get anyone else to fix it for me. At the moment we haven’t had a breakthrough yet, but I’m expecting it any day now.

My mom will probably go for another PET scan soon, and I’m hoping that this time there will be no doubt that she is completely healed from her cancer. She still has some IBS symptoms, she was admitted to hospital about a week before Christmas with terrible pain, but it turned out to be the after effects of the barium enema and nothing serious. She tells me she feels better every day.

I’m expecting a pregnancy every month, so far it hasn’t happened, but it also hasn’t discouraged me from hoping that this month will be it. What I have found is that my cycles are getting longer again and my lutual phase is longer, the spotting that I had before AF arrives is getting less again, my CM is becoming more like egg white consistency again and I have no more pain assocated with the adenomyosis like previous months. I can feel the inside of my pelvic area is more sensitive during ovulation, so I’m assuming it’s ovulation pains, which I normally also never feel.

Shumi is much better – he has no more snot, and his eye looks good, but he has had quite a bit of nose bleeds again. There is still some swelling on top of his nose and his nose is still mostly blocked, but he has a lot of energy, he eats well and looks well. It is almost 6 months after the vet said that he will only live a “couple” of months.

So in summary: It was a hard year, with intensely sad moments that I did not know how to cope with or survive at the time, but I have learnt and grown so much and God has been such a rock for me to lean on. I have felt His intense love for me, I realised that He hurts just as much as we do in the difficult moments, and that He just wants all that is good for us.   So I cannot say that 2010 was just a bad year – it was also a good year! But I’m not so brave to say that I would do it again though!

Psalm 50:14-15(NIV): “¹⁴ Sacrifice thank- offerings to God, fulfil your vows to the Most High, ¹⁵ and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honour me.”

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What is the Goliath in your life?

I heard this message Sunday in church and although it touched me a lot, I just felt the time was not right to share it with you.  Then I watched Joy.ce Mey.er’s TV program and she talked about it in her message too.  So I guess the time is right after all.

1 Samuel 17: 4-7 (NIV):  “⁴ A champion named Goliath, who was from Gath, came out of the Philistine camp. He was over nine feet tall.  ⁵ He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armour of bronze weighing five thousand shekels; ⁶ on his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back.  ⁷ His spear shaft was like a weaver’s rod, and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels. His shield-bearer went ahead of him.”

Goliath was huge – a giant, in my Bible it says he was 3 meters tall.  Everybody was afraid of him.  He gave the Israelites a challenge:  they must elect somebody to fight him.  There weren’t many volunteers, even though Saul the king promised his daughter as wife and some other privileges if somebody could defeat Goliath. 1 Samuel 17: 23-25 (NIV):  “²³ As he was talking with them, Goliath, the Philistine champion from Gath, stepped out from his lines and shouted his usual defiance, and David heard it.  ²⁴ When the Israelites saw the man, they all ran from him in great fear.  ²⁵ Now the Israelites had been saying, Do you see how this man keeps coming out? He comes out to defy Israel. The king will give great wealth to the man who kills him. He will also give him his daughter in marriage and will exempt his father’s family from taxes in Israel.”   The task was so daunting that there was only 1 person interested in defeating Goliath and that was David.  But David did not rise to the challenge because of the promises of Saul.  He was not interested in the reward.  He was upset because of the way Goliath spoke of the Israelites and of God.  1 Samuel 17: 26 (NIV):  “²⁶ …Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?” & 1 Samuel 17: 36 (NIV):  “³⁶ Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God”. 

1 Samuel 17: 31-37 (NIV):  “³¹ What David said was overheard and reported to Saul, and Saul sent for him.  ³² David said to Saul, Let no-one lose heart on account of this Philistine; your servant will go and fight him.  ³³ Saul replied, You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a boy, and he has been a fighting man from his youth.  ³⁴ But David said to Saul, Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, ³⁵ I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it.  ³⁶ Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God.      ³⁷ The LORD who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine. Saul said to David, Go, and the LORD be with you.”  

Saul heard that David wanted to fight Goliath and he called David to him.  He was worried that David would be killed, because he was still very young and not very big.  David told him that he had to fight lions and bears to protect his father’s sheep.   He said that if he can kill lions and bears then he would be able to kill Goliath.  And he did kill Goliath.  He did not use any fancy weapons and armour, he just used what he knew how to use and he trusted that God would help him.  1 Samuel 17: 49-51 (NIV):  “⁴⁹ Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell face down on the ground.  ⁵⁰ So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him.  ⁵¹ David ran and stood over him. He took hold of the Philistine’s sword and drew it from the scabbard. After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword. When the Philistines saw that their hero was dead, they turned and ran.”

My question to you is:  “What is the Goliath in your life, what problem is so huge that you may think it is impossible to beat?  I want you to think back to other big problems in you past – let’s call them the lions and bears – that you had to defeat, and succeeded in defeating.  When you look back and see what you have done, also in difficult circumstances, it makes it a little easier to believe that you can defeat the Goliath too.   It may be that you are afraid, there is no shame in that – Joyce Meyer says we have to do it afraid then.  If we read the story of David and Goliath it does not really seem that David was afraid, but I’m sure he must have been.  I’m sure he defeated Goliath afraid – it says in 1 Samuel 17: 48 (NIV):  “⁴⁸ As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly towards the battle line to meet him.”   Maybe he ran up to Goliath, just to get it over and done with, before he could chicken out…

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Going around the same mountain:

Yesterday I touched on the subject of attitude.  I mentioned that the attitude of Paul and Silas helped them out of their difficult circumstances.  That reminded me of a message I’ve heard quite a few times from Joy.ce Mey.er about when the Israelites left Egypt and had to travel to the Promised Land.  She says it was normally an 11 day journey, but it took the Israelites 40 years.  Why did it take them so long to take such a short journey?

Numbers 13:25-31 (NIV):  “²⁵ At the end of forty days they returned from exploring the land.  Report on the Exploration:  ²⁶ They came back to Moses and Aaron and the whole Israelite community at Kadesh in the Desert of Paran. There they reported to them and to the whole assembly and showed them the fruit of the land.   ²⁷ They gave Moses this account: We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit.  ²⁸ But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large. We even saw descendants of Anak there.  ²⁹ The Amalekites live in the Negev; the Hittites, Jebusites and Amorites live in the hill country; and the Canaanites live near the sea and along the Jordan.  ³⁰ Then Caleb silenced the people before Moses and said, We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.  ³¹ But the men who had gone up with him said, We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are.” 
Numbers 14:1-11 (NIV):  “The People Rebel:  ¹ That night all the people of the community raised their voices and wept aloud.  ² All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert!  ³ Why is the LORD bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn’t it be better for us to go back to Egypt?  ⁴ And they said to each other, We should choose a leader and go back to Egypt.  ⁵ Then Moses and Aaron fell face down in front of the whole Israelite assembly gathered there.  ⁶ Joshua son of Nun and Caleb son of Jephunneh, who were among those who had explored the land, tore their clothes ⁷ and said to the entire Israelite assembly, The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good.  ⁸ If the LORD is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us.  ⁹ Only do not rebel against the LORD. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up. Their protection is gone, but the LORD is with us. Do not be afraid of them.  ¹⁰ But the whole assembly talked about stoning them. Then the glory of the LORD appeared at the Tent of Meeting to all the Israelites.  ¹¹ The LORD said to Moses, How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the miraculous signs I have performed among them?”
Numbers 14:20-34 (NIV):  “²⁰ The LORD replied, I have forgiven them, as you asked.  ²¹ Nevertheless, as surely as I live and as surely as the glory of the LORD fills the whole earth, ²² not one of the men who saw my glory and the miraculous signs I performed in Egypt and in the desert but who disobeyed me and tested me ten times—²³ not one of them will ever see the land I promised on oath to their forefathers. No-one who has treated me with contempt will ever see it.  ²⁴ But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it.  ²⁵ Since the Amalekites and Canaanites are living in the valleys, turn back tomorrow and set out towards the desert along the route to the Red Sea.  ²⁶ The LORD said to Moses and Aaron:  ²⁷ How long will this wicked community grumble against me? I have heard the complaints of these grumbling Israelites.  ²⁸ So tell them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the LORD, I will do to you the very things I heard you say:  ²⁹ In this desert your bodies will fall— every one of you twenty years old or more who was counted in the census and who has grumbled against me.  ³⁰ Not one of you will enter the land I swore with uplifted hand to make your home, except Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun.  ³¹ As for your children that you said would be taken as plunder, I will bring them in to enjoy the land you have rejected.  ³² But you— your bodies will fall in this desert.  ³³ Your children will be shepherds here for forty years, suffering for your unfaithfulness, until the last of your bodies lies in the desert.  ³⁴ For forty years— one year for each of the forty days you explored the land— you will suffer for your sins and know what it is like to have me against you.’”

From the moment the Israelites left Egypt the Lord did some mighty miracles for them.  He parted the Red Sea for them, and destroyed the Egyptian army that was following them (Exodus 14:15-31).  He turned bitter water into sweet water at Marah (Exodus 15:23-25).  He provided them with meat at night (quail) and manna in the morning (Exodus 16:13-18).   They got water out of a rock when Moses struck the rock with his staff (Exodus 17:5-6). The Lord’s presence was visible with a cloud column during the day and a fire column during the night (Numbers 9:15-16). 

Yet in spite of all this the Israelites complained and murmured all the time.  They wanted to turn back to Egypt and return to slavery numerous times.  They did not trust God.  Their faith was not strong enough.  When Moses was on the mountain receiving the 10 commandments they made a golden calf and worshipped it!  They had a serious attitude problem, and eventually God decided to punish them for it.  Their punishment was 1 year in the desert for every day they waited for the explorers to come back from the Promised Land.  All the people 20 years old and older that did not trust in God would not see the Promised Land – they would die in the desert. 

Joy.ce Mey.er often says:  “they had to go around and around the same mountain” time and again, until they learnt their lesson before they could move on.  How is that relevant to us? 

What is your attitude like?  What do you have issues with and how are you dealing with it?  I had a real problem with forgiveness – my husband says that I could carry a grudge for years, and that I never forget anything.  I would bring up issues years after it happened that he had completely forgotten about! When I became aware of this problem in my life I had to go and forgive everything and everybody that I could think of and let it go.  Now that was not easy at all – I asked God to help me of course – and there were times that I suddenly realized that I was thinking or talking of things that I supposedly had forgiven.  I think it took me at least 2 years to work through and I must still keep myself in check at times. I was tested time and time again with basically the same issues until I could recognize that I needed to forgive someone, and the quicker I did it the better it was for me…  

Forgiveness was not the only problem I had to deal with, there were several other problems, but another big one was jealousy.  I have mentioned jealousy before in this post.  The other day I heard Joy.ce Mey.er say about jealousy:  “I believe God will not let you have what you desire until you learn to deal with your jealousy on that subject”.  For me that was a baby, pregnancy etc.  Believe me I still had the temptation of jealousy about 2 months ago when I found out someone I knew was pregnant.  But I immediately and quietly asked God to help me with it, I just confessed that sin, as there was no sense in denying it.  I had peace with her pregnancy immediately after I stopped praying – it didn’t bother me anymore.

Every time I notice that my attitude is not what it is supposed to be I remind myself of Joy.ce’s saying:  “Marion, there is no use going around the same mountain again and again…”  So how long do you have to go through the same problems, before you are going to learn your lesson and how long before you can move on with your life?

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