10 Weeks:

Thursday I was 10 weeks and I suddenly realized that meant 25% through my pregnancy.  Wow!  That was a bit of a shock…  But a good, happy shock if you know what I mean.

It seems like my symptoms are getting a bit better – I’m not nauseous every day anymore and I think I’m managing things quite well, by eating regularly and avoiding things like standing too long.  But that said, I still felt pretty horrible on Monday, I was nauseous from the moment I got up in the morning until I went to bed that night and Wednesday I was very dizzy quite a few times during the day.  Also on Wednesday night I suddenly felt like I was getting sick with flu, or a cold or sinusitis or something, but as I know God does not want us to be sick I decided to fight this bug.  I really don’t want that at this stage of my pregnancy.

Thursday I was a bit under the weather but I must say I’ve been feeling much better since Friday.  I went for a facial and a neck massage Thursday (Thanks Sis!  She treated me!)  and I think the steam that they blow on your face helped my sinuses a lot – I could feel them opening up while the steam was blowing…

I’m still tired but I’ve noticed that by 17h00 or 18h00 if I haven’t had a nap that I have some more energy and that I can actually make it to 21h00 or 22h00 before I have to go to bed.  Mostly if I do take a nap, which is only about 3-4 times a week I take it from about 16h30 until 18h00.  Those days DH has to cook dinner, but he is so awesome, he does not complain at all!

I have an appointment at the foetal assessment centre on 8 June for a Foetal assessment scan, and from what I’ve read this scan is amazing.  Some say the best scan during your pregnancy so I’m looking forward to that.  I still feel a little lost as I haven’t decided on an obgyn or a midwife yet.  I have had second thoughts about the obgyn I initially made an appointment with.  I moved that appointment as it was for 10 June and I can’t see the point of going for scans 2 days apart, but I’m thinking of cancelling altogether.  This doctor came highly recommended to me by 2 of my cousins, but she is so expensive!  I know my medical aid will pay some towards the fees, but I think it’s more an issue of principle at this stage as she charges half as much more than what my FS charges and he is a specialist!

So I am looking at other options and one of them is getting a midwife.  I really would like to have a natural birth.  My mom had c-sections with both my sister and I and my sister also had 2 c-sections, but I’m not going to worry about whether I would also need a c-section as I know God’s perfect plan and design is for us to give natural birth and I believe that He has created me perfectly and healed me completely so I’m believing all will go well.

Here in South Africa the standard practice with most obgyn’s is to advise their patients to have c-sections, and very rarely these days the women who go to obgyn’s get to give birth naturally.  There are really only a few ladies I know in real life that has given birth naturally in the past 10 years or so.  My sister lived in the UK for a couple of years and there they rarely give birth via c-section, only when there are complications, and my sister was one of those rare cases with the birth of her first daughter.  So she has been very vocal about all the c-sections being done here in South Africa and I guess that laid the foundation for me to not want one.  Then I read Super.natural Child.birth and I learned what God wants for us, and easy natural pregnancies are achievable when you believe in it.  Lastly a dear friend (K from New Zealand, Hi K!) told me about a documentary called The Busi.ness of Be.ing Bo.rn on You Tube and after watching that I was totally convinced that natural birth is best.

I am getting a bit more excited about this pregnancy as I have officially past the stage where I had my miscarriage and since our little nunu was so big and strong with our last scan there is more hope that this will end up to be a successful pregnancy.  Not that I worried much about it, I tried to not think about bad thoughts on purpose, but I guess once you’ve had a miscarriage there will  always be some little nagging thoughts that come up every now and then…

This morning after I woke up, but while I was still lying in bed I thought back to the time we started ttc right through to this pregnancy and I was once again struck with wonder, awe and total gratefulness towards God for giving us this miracle.  It is really mind blowing to think that after trying for 11.5 years, after lots of operations, 8 IUI’s, 3 fresh IVF’s and 1 FET, having  endometriosis, adenomyosis and uterine problems like polyps and dealing with 48% generically abnormal sperm that I could get pregnant naturally at the age of 40.  And the most amazing part for me was that it took 7 months of learning about God and actively believing for that miracle for it to manifest into reality.  All the time in those 7 months it felt like a long time, but now when I look back I’m actually amazed at how short a time that was…

All I can say is God is so good, He is so faithful, and He is so amazing!  Nothing is impossible for Him!

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My follow up appointment:

The day of our appointment has finally arrived exactly one month after my evacuation D & C.   The FS said that our little baby had Trisomy 13 or Patau syndrome and that is where the foetus had an additional third chromosome 13 and that is caused by nondisjunction of chromosomes during myosis.  In layman’s terms what that means is that the chromosomes did not split properly during myosis (which occurs during maturation of the egg) and that there was an extra chromosome on the pair numbered 13.  The three common occurrences are at the genes numbered 13, 18 and 21 and of those, number 21 is the one where Down’s syndrome originates from and that is also the only one where the foetus is most likely to survive to birth.  It is very rare for a baby with trisomy 13 to survive until birth and should it survive it would be severely handicapped mentally and physically and they do not survive for longer than a year after birth. 

We discussed a plan of action for a new IVF cycle and we can start with one (Femara & Gonal F like IVF # 3) when AF arrives if we want, or we have the option to do a long protocol and do a month of birth control first and the IVF in the cycle after that.  After some discussion of the pros and cons we have decided to do the long protocol with Lucrin and Fostimon (Like IVF # 2).   I have a few reasons for that – the most important being that the cycle we did that way produced better looking embryos on day 3.  The other reasons were that my FS feels that the short protocol is better for poor responders and I’ve never been a poor responder, I’ve read that Femara compromises quality by influencing the myosis process (my FS does not agree but I don’t want to take the chance) and I’ve read that the down regulation of LH with birth control and Lucrin can also help with quality (again my FS is not convinced of that).  We will be doing a lower dose of Fostimon than last time – I was on 225 units but now I will go on 150 units, and hopefully it won’t give me a polyp.  Last time it was reduced halfway through stims to 150 units anyway so I think it will be sufficient.

I don’t have a clue where I am in my cycle and the doctor did a scan – my uterus looks good, no polyp present and it looked like I did ovulate from my one ovary, so the FS said AF can come anytime from now up to 2 weeks from now – I guess I just have to wait patiently…

We discussed PGD – it’s an option that we are seriously considering but the doctor recommended that we only do it if we have at least 3-4 8-cell embryos on day 3.  We spoke to the lady that does the PGD and she is a qualified genetic specialist.  She gave us a lot of information on it, and we found out that if we would have done PGD the trisomy 13 would most probably have been detected.  There is a chance however that the test can come back inconclusive or that the embryo can be damaged.  The other problem is that it will cost an additional R10000 on top of the cost of the IVF, for which we didn’t get a quote on today.  So we will have to see if the budget allows for it.  We have at least 6-8 weeks to decide on it anyway, so no rush…

So the first thing is for AF to arrive, of which there is still no sign of by the way, and then I must start the birth control pills.  DH thinks it’s totally weird for me to go on them when I want to get pregnant, but its better that way as it will also help to regulate my cycle which can still be disrupted from the miscarriage after AF has come on.   It also means IVF will be done in the 3^rd cycle after our miscarriage and that’s also a bit safer…

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Warning: Not a very nice post…

What I’m going to say in this post is very hard to say.  I’m being honest here about stuff that I sometimes don’t even want to admit to myself, let alone all of you reading this, but I feel I need to get it out there so that you can get a better picture of who I am and what we have been through and what we are still going through.

This past weekend was bad.  I was in a really foul mood, I snapped at poor DH a lot, but he was not the only victim and I’m ashamed of myself…  I thought the first few weeks after the miscarriage would be the worst, but I haven’t come through it yet like I thought I would.  I think I was in shock, and that reality is only now sinking in…

These last few days I haven’t felt like eating, or seeing anyone, or doing anything, except maybe sleeping.  I know I’m getting depressed again.  I’m also worrying about a lot of things, but mainly about finances.  Can we afford another IVF, and how long should we try, or should we maybe just give up altogether?  So far I’ve avoided talking about finances as I thought it would not be appropriate, but it’s becoming an issue now and I would not be truthful if I did not discuss it.

Throughout our married life we have never been well off – both DH and I do not have any experience that ensure a job that will pay a comfortable salary, and since DH was let go from the Police for post traumatic stress disorder it’s been even tougher. (That’s the reason we are not even considering adoption – who would give a baby to someone that suffered from post traumatic stress disorder?)  My poor DH has tried his best to provide financially for us, but he just cannot get a job – any job. (Mostly due to lack of qualifications, but also due to employment equity)  The only qualification he has that is worth anything is one he got 12 years ago for being a SAP consultant, but nobody has ever wanted to give him a job in that field so he has no experience – and what are the chances after 12 years?  Even though nobody wants to employ him he has tried his best to provide for us by being self employed – he is on to his 3^rd business by now, but it’s going slow (due to the current economic climate).  I worked at a major SA bank for 14 years and it was almost always very stressful with very long working hours, for a relatively small salary.    So three years ago DH and I decided that I can quit so that we can try in earnest to get pregnant.  It had to be done like that as I would never have been able to get time off for FS appointments.  Definitely not for more than one month in a row, and the biological clock was ticking. (Here’s perfect proof that relaxing does not help to get you pregnant!)

The only reason this was even remotely possible was due to the fact that we sold our farm for quite a bit of profit.  We didn’t buy another property and have since been renting.  So we have been using those profits to fund our fertility treatments and have also been living of it.  Unfortunately it’s not a bottomless pit, and even though we have been living frugally, it has diminished considerably.  Yes, I know, not the wisest decision we’ve ever made, but we did not anticipate the credit crunch and we had faith that DH’s business would have taken off by now. 

We have made so many sacrifices to try and get pregnant – we don’t drive any fancy cars, and have never done so since we got married.  We have not spent a lot on furniture (we are still borrowing a couch from my parents and have never bought one since we got married, and it seems we won’t be able to do so for quite some time yet), we only buy clothes whenever necessary and then on sale or at the cheapest shops, we don’t go out often and we just buy the necessities when we buy groceries.   The only thing we have splurged on was a vacation to Mauritius two years ago, but if you take into account that we went camping on our honeymoon, I think we deserved it (we also got it on a special deal with a lot of discount!)  Even our wedding was a low budget affair – where we paid for almost everything as our parents could not really contribute. 

So it seemed to me that we just cannot get a break:  Most of our married life I was terribly unhappy in my job and DH has been screwed over by our lovely government as his case still hasn’t been settled by the compensation commissioner and it does not look like it ever will be (so we cannot even rely on a small pension). When we tried to make a better future for ourselves we spent R40 000 twelve years ago on his SAP qualification (it costs more than R200 000 now) but nobody wanted to take him seriously because he was a policeman or take a chance on hiring him (No one has much respect for policemen here in SA, even though they have the worst jobs ever: they put their lives on the line, they have to watch their buddies getting killed in action, they have to work in terrible circumstances and get to deal with corpses daily in cases of murders, suicide, and even digging dead babies out of trashcans) My DH has even offered to work for free as a SAP consultant for 3 months just to get some experience, but even that was not accepted… It feels like the only good things that have happened was that we met each other and got married and that we bought 2 properties for very low prices and managed to improve those and sell them off at a decent profit.  But since I quit my job, we cannot show a reliable income so we cannot buy another… 

You all know our TTC history by now, so you know that we have not had much success there either…  It made me despondent and it feels like we are taking a huge gamble by doing another IVF.  The success rates are rather low for the amount you are spending on it – If it was for something else we would not be so keen to pay any money towards it, especially if you take all the past failures into account.  I’m tempted to think that the next IVF will result in another pregnancy, but I’ve read too many true life stories to know that it doesn’t always happen like that… And I’ve learnt the hard way that a pregnancy does not guarantee a baby…

Sometimes it all just gets too much to handle, and then I just feel like giving up, that there is not much point in my life and that’s it’s not worth living… The only reason I have not given up hope completely is because of my dearest, darling husband.  I love him so much – he is such a loving, caring, patient person who tries his best to look after us and provide for us, in spite of all the adversities, and then he puts up with all my crap as well.  So yesterday afternoon I decided that I had to do something about my mood.  I spent the whole afternoon in Bible study, looking for comforting pieces to read on the internet and later just praying…  I did find some comfort, but I could just not settle down.

I feel so guilty, because I know that although I think we have it tough it is still nothing compared to other people’s struggles.  At least we have our health, food to eat, clothes to wear, a roof over our heads and the support of our families.  I’m still very fortunate to have been able to go for fertility treatments and for so many of them as well… If I close my eyes I see all the hungry people queuing for food at the feeding scheme I volunteer at, and how cold they are now in the winter time.  A lot of them are also homeless and they carry all that they own everywhere with them, and that is not much…

This morning during my Bible study I finally got comfort in the following scripture:  2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV):  “¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

I forget very often what it is all about – it’s not about our lives here on earth and how much money we have or how many kids we get, but it’s about our salvation and where we will be spending eternity.  I often take my eyes of the big picture and think only of the smaller picture.  I get selfish and I want to satisfy my own desires and think of nothing else, and when I don’t get my way I wallow in self pity.  I’m not proud of that, but I’m glad that I finally feel a bit better and I cannot wait to meet my darling babies in heaven…

Ps.  Read this if you have lost a baby and are not sure whether your baby is in heaven.

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Some revelations:

Last night in bed I was thinking that I’m supposed to be 12 weeks now, but I’m not because we’ve lost our baby.  Then I thought that the sister at the hospital said that 2 samples were sent away for genetic testing and I remembered that originally my pregnancy started out as a twin pregnancy… Suddenly I felt sad, because up to now I’ve been mourning one baby, but we actually lost two.  We were so grateful for the one embryo with a heartbeat that we completely forgot that there was an empty sac, or blighted ovum as well, that did not make it to 7 weeks.  I feel it’s not right to dismiss that one, because we did not see a heartbeat there, it was still a potential baby that did not make it.  I think I must acknowledge that it was a twin pregnancy and that we lost twins here, even though we didn’t lose them at the same time… 

I paged back in my diary this morning and I came upon an entry I wrote on 28 February this year.  It was the night before I tested after we did the FET.  I had a strong suspicion that it would be negative again, because I knew the quality of our embryo’s were not good at all. I thought back to something that Joyce Meyer often says:  “we must do what is right and not how we feel”.  I’ve heard her say that during numerous sermons, and that’s what I made my mind up to do then and what I’ve been trying to do lately.

I decided that:  “I will be friendly and not sad when I’m around other people.  I will smile and ask other people how they are doing.  I will help others and not feel sorry for myself.  I will go on with my life, make the best of it and be thankful for all the blessings I receive from God.   I will not allow my emotions to control me.  I will not be angry with God, and I will not throw a temper tantrum because I cannot get my way.”

It was not too difficult to act that way then, because it was the 3^rd failed IVF, but also like I said I expected it – I could see on the sister’s face on day of ET that the embryo’s were not good at all.  She had a look of pity in her eyes and she could not make eye contact with me when I asked about the embryos.  She and the doctor talked about the number of cells (3), but avoided the discussion of quality; the doctor only talked about fragmentation and said the one had very little fragmentation.  I believe they wanted me to protect me and not tell me the bad news straight out and that they did not want me to be without hope.  I phoned later and asked the other sister what grade they were and she said grade 5 – the worst grade my clinic gives. 

Now it’s way more difficult to act that way, but I’m trying my best.  Sometimes I force myself to do something that I really don’t want to do, because I know it’s what God wants from me, and I must say I haven’t regretted any of it at all so far.  He knows what’s best for us…

This morning I got a strong feeling that I must trust God’s timing.  I thought back over our infertility history and I remembered that we actually wanted to do our first IVF in Aug 2001, we made a plan to get the money for the IVF then, but when we got to our FS he said that maybe we should try a IUI one more time.  We hastily accepted as we were not ready for IVF yet.  I think God stopped us from doing IVF at that stage, and when the IUI failed we were not even tempted to try IVF.  Later in 2007 we did do our first IVF and it failed, but we were both so traumatized by the negative result, that we didn’t see another FS for 18 months.  Again I think that God organized it so that we would wait for further IVF’s. 

By the time I was ready again I started to read about Intralipid drips and found that it helped for some people with multiple failed IVF’s.  I just knew that I had to get that with my IVF’s, but it took some convincing to get my FS to give it to me (I tried from my first appointment with them) – You see it’s a very controversial treatment, and not all FS’s believes it works.  Eventually I convinced my FS and I got the first one with my FET, but like I said earlier the quality was very poor, and nothing can improve poor embryo quality, so that one did not work.  But the second cycle with intralipids did work, unfortunately I miscarried. 

From my research I found that intralipids were only first used for IVF’s in 2006 in the USA, but it took quite some time, before others started using it as well.  It’s only since early last year that Vita.lab (one of the biggest and most successful infertility clinics here in South Africa – I’m not with them) has been using it here and where I heard of it for the first time. 

So I’ve been thinking that God has stalled us with our IVF treatments for a specific reason – so that I could get Intralipid treatment with my IVF’s.  I also believe all the failed cycles last year were necessary to convince my FS that I indeed have an implantation problem, so that I could convince him to give me the Intralipid drips.

So now I must just trust God that He knows best and that I will get pregnant again, but this time at the right time, so that I can have my healthy baby.

I’m finding strength in these scriptures today as they have to do with God’s timing:  Isaiah 30:18 (Amp):  “¹⁸And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]!”

Isaiah 40:31 (Amp):  “³¹But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.”

 Habakkuk 2:3 (TLB):  “But these things I plan won’t happen right away.  Slowly steadily surely the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled.   If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass.  Just be patient!  They will not be overdue a single day!”

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One day later…

So how am I feeling today?   Well, I started the day by phoning the sister at the clinic this morning to ask a few questions, and I burst out in tears again.  She is such a sweetheart, both of them are, and I must say in times like these that’s when you really appreciate it.  She thinks I need to see the councilor at the clinic – I’m not keen on that at all, because DH had seen many psychologists and psychiatrists years ago when he had post traumatic stress disorder and he just got pills – nobody was ever able to help him really – he had to work through it himself – the hard way.

I look like hell – My eyes are so swollen that I can barely see out of them (I cried so much last night…)   I have a terrible headache and my sinuses are blocked (also from all the crying). 

I don’t really know how I feel yet, except that I am incredibly sad.   I’m sad that we won’t be meeting our baby in January, that we will never know whether he/she has blonde/straight hair like me or dark/curly hair like my DH, or whether our baby has blue eyes like me or dark eyes like DH.  I wanted this specific baby so much… I’m so sad that my DH, whom I love so much, has to go through this pain…

I really enjoyed being pregnant – I loved the idea that there was life growing inside me.  I loved it when I was tired, or queasy, because it reminded me of our baby.  I loved the fact that DH was so excited about our baby.  We couldn’t wait for me to start showing.  We took pictures of my belly every Thursday so that we could see when I started to show (which didn’t happen yet as it was too early).  DH and I both loved my big boobs!   We now know the feeling of joy and excitement over our baby that’s on its way and we want to have those feelings again!

Now we will have to think about IVF again, and I really don’t want to.  I’m so sick of it.  I’m so sick of the emotional rollercoaster ride – I hate rollercoaster’s by the way (I’m terrified of heights).  I guess we will have to wait at least 3 months before we can do another IVF – I know my friend who has had 2 miscarriages had to wait 3 months every time, so I’m sure we will also have to wait.  The only thing that I keep on thinking about is my age…  If we wait 3 months then DH will be 40 already and I’ll be 39 and a half as I am exactly 6 months younger than him.  That will mean that if I get pregnant again I’ll be 40 when baby is born – and I really want 2 children, so that means we will have to try again when I’m 41… O, my headache just gets worse when I think about it…

I have so many questions – What went wrong?  Why did we have to have a miscarriage?  Why couldn’t we just have our baby like most people?  I read on the internet yesterday that the chances of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat at 7 weeks is 2% for normal people, but almost 15% for infertility patients over 35.  My FS said last year my chance of success with IUI was 15% per cycle and we did 3 cycles – why couldn’t I fall in the latter 15% but I had to fall in the first 15%? I mean we did 3 IUI’s so that’s 3 times 15% that did not work, but now on our first pregnancy I fall in the 15% that miscarry… 

I really believed this pregnancy was a miracle from God – so I can’t understand why it had to be taken away from us… I’ve been telling myself that God has a plan, and that plan might be better than my own plan.  I’ve been telling myself that God will give me strength to go through this difficult time.  I’ve been telling myself that I’ll come through this a stronger person, but none of it is a comfort to me now…

When I think of our long terrible journey with infertility and now this miscarriage, I think of how unfair it is.  But I also think of all the other ladies that I know of that have gone through terrible times.  There are so many, too many to mention each of them.  And quite a few have walked this terrible road for longer than we have.  Some have had so many miscarriages… Others have had many, many failed/cancelled IVF cycles… Most have spent a small fortune on fertility treatments… A lot have moved on to donor eggs/sperm/surrogacy in the hope of getting those much anticipated babies… Some have given up on their own genetics and are hoping to adopt… And some are hedging their bets by going through the adoption process and still trying IVF again…  And then there are those that are going through a combination of all these things I mentioned… My heart breaks for each them as much as it breaks for our own circumstances.   I just wish God can take pity on all of us, and give us each our own babies soon! 

Thank you to all who have left messages of support – we really appreciate it.  It does help to know that there are a lot of people praying for us, and thinking about us and who are sad with us…

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Do not give up hope:

I’ve mentioned this before, but I feel so strongly about it that I need to write about it again.  I basically felt that it was almost impossible for me to ever get pregnant.  I just went through all the treatments of the past year, just so that I could say:  “At least we tried.”  I felt that I didn’t want to regret not trying when it was too late.  Quite a few times my FS would berate me for my negative attitude when I went for a scan, as the moment I saw a polyp I would make a comment that the cycle would not work.  I did not have much hope, and I was starting to feel that I was just wasting money towards the end.  DH and I really did discuss the fact that our 2^nd IVF and the following FET’s would be our last treatments ever and that we would make peace with the fact that we would be childless if any of those did not work.  We never expected to have just 1 FET, and that almost all our frozen embies would not survive the thaw.

Why was I so negative?  Simply because we were trying for so long already and we have never had any success before.  I just thought that if I could not get pregnant after 10 years of trying, why would anything change?  I did not know of any people who were trying for so long and had success.  Yes, I knew of people trying for so long or longer, but they did not have their baby or even a pregnancy yet.  I know 2 ladies that gave up hope and went for hysterectomies, and I know one of them really did regret it afterwards and I guess that’s why I felt we had to try at least.

But things changed on the 10^th of March this year, I remember the date so well because it was my dad’s birthday.  That was the day we had our appointment with our FS about what went wrong with our FET.  I just wanted to go, get closure and get on with my life.  My FS said that day that I must not give up hope – he knows I can get pregnant, and that it is just a matter of time before I do.  He said that our fresh embryo’s were very good quality, much better than expected for a woman of my age and in his opinion my body is much younger than my actual age.  He had a plan for a low stimulation protocol that obviously worked out much cheaper than a normal IVF as the medication was so much cheaper.

I started this blog and I went through my diary with lessons I’ve learnt recently and I was reminded of the following two people:

Matthew 9:20-22 (NIV):  “²⁰ Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak.  ²¹ She said to herself, If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.  ²² Jesus turned and saw her. Take heart, daughter, he said, your faith has healed you. And the woman was healed from that moment.”

John 5:5-9 (NIV):  “⁵ One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years.  ⁶ When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, Do you want to get well?  ⁷ Sir, the invalid replied, I have no-one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.  ⁸ Then Jesus said to him, Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.  ⁹ At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked… ”

I suddenly saw the numbers jump out at me – 12 years and 38 years.  These two people had problems for a longer time than I, and Jesus healed them immediately.  I realised I had to get faith and my mindset had to change.  A dear friend from Fertilicare site suggested a wonderful book to help me in those areas (Super.natural Child.birth by Jac.kie Mi.ze) and it did help me tremendously.  I was just what I needed and I got it at the right time.  I’m still using it now because it deals with every aspect from infertility, to miscarriages to pregnancy and giving birth.  It is a relatively cheap book that reads very easily and quick, but you can refer back to it time and again.

We could not make up our minds whether we would be doing the 3^rd fresh IVF, until a day or so before AF was due.  We were scared to try again, but eventually we decided to go for it.  Today I’m so glad we did, because I am eventually pregnant.  There was a time where my attitude was very important – I still got a polyp during this cycle, but this time I had the tools to deal with it.  I prayed and confessed scriptures over that polyp and on the day of ET it was almost gone!  That surely helped me with my faith during the 2WW.  Some days it’s still hard to believe that I’m pregnant, but mostly I am thankful for every moment since we have received the good news!  To me this is indeed a miracle pregnancy!  Even the sister at the clinic said so.  Her exact words were: “See miracles still happen today!”

So what I’m trying to say to everyone reading this is:  “Do not be discouraged by your circumstances!  Miracles still happen today and if it can happen to me it can happen to you!  There is nothing special about me or my DH that makes us more worthy than any of you!  Trust in God and have faith!  We might not understand why, or get impatient with the timing, but God has a plan, and the realisation of that plan might be sooner than you think!  Do not give up hope!” 

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What if: we gave up on our dream?

National infertility awareness week has just finished (NIAW 24 April  – 1 May 2010)  and Mel  from Stirrup Queens had this project IF for NIAW.  It has closed now but today I though what if we gave up on our dream and stopped infertility treatments?

We were so incredibly close to giving up.  DH and I had an agreement that we would do a 2^nd fresh IVF and followed by FET’s if we should have any frozen embryos and then that would be it.  No more treatments.  I had an overpowering feeling of quitting while we were busy with our stimulation medication for our 2^nd IVF.  I just felt we were wasting our money and time.  I had almost no hope.  I just wanted the IVF to be over and done with and get on with my life.  The only reason we did the IVF and FET was because we felt we had to try it at least one more time and we did not want to waste our frozen embryos.  What if we stopped after our FET failed?  I guess the answer is:  We would have been childless and we would never have known how close we came to a pregnancy.

Fortunately I got quite a few messages of hope during the last few months that made me change my mind.  I could not let go of our dream, so I convinced DH that we must try one more time.   If there is anybody out there that is feeling like giving up – please don’t … Just look at our story – miracles do still happen, trust in God and ask Him to help you…

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It’s IComLeavWe:

This is the first time I’m participating in IComLeavWe, as my blog is not even a month old yet.  Welcome to all visiting!  We are currently in the 2WW after our 3^rd fresh IVF.  We have been trying for more than 10 years and I haven’t had a BFP ever!  I’m hoping that I’ll get my first one in a week’s time though!  As I’m quite an analytical person I thought I’ll share a comparison I’ve made of all my IVF treatments with you.

	IVF # 1	IVF ICSI  # 2	FET	IVF  ICSI #3
My age	36	38	38	39
Stim Meds	Gonal F	Fostimon	No meds	Femara
	Lucrin	Lucrin		Gonal F
				Cetrotide
Protocol	Short	Long	N/A	Short
# eggs retrieved	14	14	N/A	5
# eggs fertilized	14	12	N/A	4
# replaced	2 Blastocysts	3 x 8 cell	2 x  3 cell	1 x 8 cell
	2 Morulas			1 x 6 cell
				2 x 4 cell
embryo quality	1  x Grade 1 blast	1 x Grade 1	Both Grade 5	2 Grade 1 (8 & 4 cell)
	1  Grade 2 blast	2 x Grade 2		2 Grade 2 (6 & 4 cell)
	2 x Grade 2 morulas
day of transfer	Day 5	Day 3	Day 4	Day 3
# embryo’s frozen	0	9	All were defrosted	0
Other medication		Prednisone from CD2	Prednisone from CD 2	Prednisone from CD 2
			Intralipid drip	Intralipid drip
			1 week before ET	2 days before ER
				Ecotrin from day after ER
	1 cyclogest/day	3 cyclogest/day	3 cyclogest/day	3 cyclogest/day
	From day after ER	From day after ER	From day after ER	From day after ER

You might wonder how I cope with more than 10 years of infertility.  For many years I did not cope – I was depressed, angry and bitter.  After my first IVF failed I almost had an emotional breakdown.  In that time I turned to God and I was finally able to give my heart completely to Him, and I was Born-again and filled with the Holy Spirit.  Since then I’ve come to rely and trust in Him with all my heart.  God has given me new hope, and I’m so thankful that I wanted to share it with as many people as possible.  I have changed so much in the past 2 and a half years, and it’s all for the better!  That is why a lot of my posts are about messages that I either had to learn, or I’m still learning.

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Embryo transfer:

Our embryos are safely back in mommy.  The doctor replaced 4 embryos – I thought 1 didn’t make it, but apparently it was slow and they thought it would not survive but it did.  So of the four we have 2 grade 1 embryos and 2 grade 2 embryos, but the slow one is not so good quality as the other grade 2 one.  They didn’t say how many cells the embryos were – they did tell me last time, but I was so drugged that I didn’t think of asking.

The transfer was more difficult than usual – apparently there was some bleeding, and the doctor had to clean that up and insert a hollow tube through my cervix to make sure that no blood could contaminate the embryos.  I guess the bleeding isn’t as bad as I didn’t even have any spotting so far. The good news is that the polyp shrunk so much that it was barely visible on the screen.  Hallelujah! The embryos were placed well away from the polyp, so the polyp should not impact implantation. 

I didn’t get my second Intralipid – the pharmacy could not get any from the distributor, nor from any of the hospitals in the Johannesburg area.  The doctor said I might have to come in sometime next week and get it if they are able to get some.  I’m not particularly worried about it – I trust in God, He knows best and if I need another Intralipid drip He will make sure I get it. 

It was incredibly busy this morning at the clinic.  There were at least 10 other ladies there and it seems most were there for IVF.  I recognised a lot of them from Wednesday so I guess they were also there for ET.  I assume the new faces were there for IUI or ER.  The one lady was so drugged when her husband walked her out of the clinic, but she recognised me and waved.  Shame, she almost fell over by waving – her husband did not seem very impressed, but I was touched.  I saw her with every scan and we went together for ER.  I hope she will be pregnant in 2 weeks time… Actually I hope all of them will be pregnant in 2 weeks time…

I can do the blood test on Wednesday 28 April – 12 days from now.  I believe this time I’m getting my BFP!

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4 Embryos:

The sister phoned me from the clinic, and 4 fertilized, just as I thought.  I’m happy about it.  I was not planning to freeze any, because my previous ones defrosted so badly.  So 4 are more than enough.  ET is still on for Saturday and I’ll be getting my second Intra.lipid drip then.  I started my Cyclo.gest today (3 per day – 6h00, 14h00 and 22h00) and Eco.trin 81mg.  It’s the first time I’m using Eco.trin and for those that do not know it’s also known as baby as.pirin.  Apparently it thins the blood and increases blood flow to the uterus.   I never dicussed using Eco.trin with my FS – he decided later to include it, but I’m willing to take anything he thinks might help. 

I must say I’m feeling very good today – just slight abdominal pain, but I think it’s because they got only 5 eggs.  Last time I was incredibly uncomfortable – I had pain and I was terribly bloated after getting 14 eggs.  But the weird thing is I also got 14 eggs with my first IVF and I had no pain, no bloating… That ER was a breeze.

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