Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘“Broken”’

I Failed Again:

RIP Shumi : 5 April 2005 - 22 February 2012

Yesterday we had to make a very difficult decision – we had to euthanize Shumi.  It was just getting too bad, there was a huge lump on the left side of his face and his breathing was getting harder and harder.  I knew this decision had to be made soon, and I really hoped that I could get a breakthrough and see full and complete healing for Shumi, but it was not to be.  That is actually the reason I’ve been so scarce on the internet.  I studied and studied and looked for some kind of revelation, but nothing I tried worked…

What makes it so bad is the fact that I know it was God’s will for Shumi to be healed and I know God had healed him in the spiritual realm.  But for some reason I just could not make it manifest in this physical realm.  That is why I say I failed again, just like I did when my mom passed away.  That is not easy to live with and it just makes me realize more why so many people say things like, “maybe it was not God’s will,” because it sure does eases one’s own conscience, but I know the truth and there is no use trying to dodge the responsibility.

It’s my fault Shumi got sick and it’s my fault he died.  I can still clearly remember not long before he got sick I would say things like, “I love you so much, I don’t know what would happen if something should happen to you,” and things like “I hope I never ever have to be in a position where I have to decide whether to euthanize one of my dogs.”  And I not only said those things I had a genuine fear that Shumi would die.  I guess it was brought on by my infertility – I poured all my love on Shumi and treated him almost like a child, and it felt like he and DH was all I had to live for.  So the words and the fear opened a door for the devil to attack us and he did it with cancer…  Then I learnt about supernatural healing and I’ve been studying it for more than a year and a half now, and I still could not get him healed.

Shumi was such a special dog – everyone that knew him thought so.  He was the breeder’s favourite, he bonded as a pup with my sister’s oldest daughter when she was just 21 months old and Shumi was 6 months old (those two were inseparable) and all our neighbours that lived around us loved him to bits.

He was so social that he would visit our neighbours in the estate we lived in and he even sometimes slept over in their houses.  If anyone had a social gathering on at their house, Shumi would be there and all their guests also knew him and loved him.  Once I even saw a stranger, a woman, sit on the sidewalk across from our house watching our house.  I called DH and he went outside to talk to her – it turned out she lived outside our estate, but for some reason she sometimes came there and visited Shumi.  That particular day Shumi was inside the house with us, so she waited outside patiently hoping to see him.

Even people who weren’t dog lovers loved him, because he was so well behaved.  A lot of people think boxers are naughty dogs and need a lot of attention – I can honestly say Shumi was never a naughty dog.  I’ve wondered many times what the dog whisperer would have thought of him because he really had no issues at all.

He was so happy to see baby G when we brought him home, but Shumi just stood about a metre away and wagged his tail, as if he knew he couldn’t touch or lick baby G due to the blood and snot coming from the lump on his head.  That made me so sad, because Shumi absolutely adored children and puppies, and he never could enjoy or get to know baby G due to his illness.  At least he saw him…

My heart is broken and I miss him so much, but I know his suffering is over now.  I know some people say animals have no souls or spirits and when they die, they just die, but I like to believe he is in heaven now, in a perfect body, with no more pain or discomfort, playing with all our babies and my mom and our previous boxers, Pippin, Tiger and Simbi…

Read Full Post »

Once a month we have a street outreach in our town centre.  It’s a few people from different churches that come together and we go out and hand out Bibles and tracts.  I try to join them every month, but I manage to go about 10 times a year.  We went again this past Saturday.

One lady had a meaningful discussion with a young man who was hurt by “Christians” in the past.  This young man is exploring different religions at the moment, but not Christianity, so I get the feeling he is looking for some meaning in his life.  But he also admits that there are certain things he doesn’t want to give up, to become a Christian.  So he spoke to this lady, but he refused any tracts and a Bible.  That made me think back to certain times in my life.

I have said before that I grew up going to church and Sunday school.  We were also taught about Jesus Christ in School, and Bible study was one of our subjects.  It was one of the easy ones, one or 2 classes a week and it didn’t count for much on our report cards and it was also not compulsory (I remember some of my class mates were excused when their parents didn’t want them to attend).  So I had a strong Christian background and I certainly believed in God and Jesus Christ, but at best I think I was religious.  I certainly didn’t have a personal relationship with God. 

There were times when we went to church and there were times when we didn’t bother for years.  There was also a time where I almost never read my Bible or prayed.  In the really tough times I would go on my knees and pray to God, but as soon as things got better I would backslide again.  There was a time when I think I was mad at God.  I didn’t conciously think:  “I’m mad at God”, but I avoided praying, going to church and reading my Bible and I think I blamed God for the fact that I didn’t get pregnant.  I was also very bitter and jealous, especially when I heard stories of other people who got pregnant so easily, and sometimes I felt like they didn’t deserve it.  And off course that I deserved it more… 

After meeting some people who were Born again Christians with a personal relationship with God, and who were obviously Spirit filled, I decided that I also wanted whatever it was that they had.  So I started to seek God again.  I started to listen to church services on the radio, I started to read my Bible again and look for messages elsewhere.  But there was still something that held me back.  There was something that prevented me to surrender it all to God.  And I didn’t know what it was or why…

Eventually after our first IVF failed I had a total emotional breakdown.  I decided to start watching Christian programmes on TV.  I didn’t know who to watch so I just picked out programs where the name spoke to me.  That is where I started watching the programmes of Joy.ce Mey.er.  Eventually I felt that I was so “broken” that I had to surrender it all to God.  I could not go on without God, I just didn’t have any other options anymore.  I don’t know what it was that prevented me from giving my whole heart to God, maybe it was the thought of giving up sin in my life.  Not that I had any really bad habits that I had to give up.  Nothing like drugs or an affair or porn or anything like that, but more things like the thought that I was not allowed to lie anymore.  I wasn’t even such a terrible liar – but like most people I prefered the occasional “white lie”  in certain situations.  Other issues that bothered me were unforgiveness, and selfishness, I was very reluctant to let that go.  I think I thought that I could never sin again, and as soon as I did, I would be in big trouble.   And I didn’t think I would be able to go through life without sin, which is off course right, we can never do that! 

When I think back I know it was ignorance that prevented me – I didn’t know Who God is, I just thought I would be punished the moment I sinned again, as I was supposed to know better.  Today I’m so glad that I did surrender to God – it is so worth while and I cannot understand why I hesitated.  It is impossible to describe fully what God did for me.  He healed me emotionally, He gave me hope, He helped me, He gave me strength when I needed it and comfort when I needed it.  I was so depressed at one stage that I felt that I couldn’t go on living.  I was in a dark hole of despair and I saw no way out, yet God healed me of that depression completely!  Without any help from any doctors or any medication!  My quality of life is so much better, because I am a happier person, even through all the difficult times, or should I say especially in the difficult times. 

So when I heard this young man didn’t want to surrender his life to God, but that he was indeed searching for some divine guidance, it made me want to shake him and tell him what happened in my life.  But I didn’t speak to him, I only saw him from afar and today I’m sad that I missed the oppurtunity to speak to him…

After writing the above I saw this clip on God Tube – it’s about a man who died in a plane crash and what happened to him after he died and how he was miraculously brought back to life.  At the end Mick.ey Robin.son tells us his theory about why we don’t want to surrender it all to God.  He says he thinks it is fear and the fact that we feel we are not good enough…  So even though most of this clip is not about surrendering it all to God, it ends on that note, and that’s why I want to include it in this post.

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=DDDYLPNX

Read Full Post »

I took Shumi to the vet again this morning, because his nose is blocked.  He was on antibiotics and it did clear his snot nose up, but not for long.  He’s had the snot nose twice now this winter and a bloody nose in April. All these symptoms combined do not amount to good news.  Our vet suspects a tumour and referred me to another vet for x-rays and maybe an endoscope.  It could be something like polyps, or some grass seeds stuck up his nose, but he doubts it.  It is apparently very common for Boxers to get these tumours.  If it’s a small tumour they might attempt to get it out, and they will send it away for testing, but the prognosis is usually not good.  All these possible treatments will off course cost us thousands of Rands…

I have made an appointment for the x-ray tomorrow and I’m praying for a miracle here – that our vet is wrong and that it’s nothing serious! Unfortunately our vet was on holiday recently and I took Shumi to another vet and that vet spoke of the same thing as a possibility…

I am so upset! I don’t know how much more bad news I can take.  Shumi is my baby.  The only one I have and I don’t know how I’ll cope if I have to lose him too…

Read Full Post »

What I’m going to say in this post is very hard to say.  I’m being honest here about stuff that I sometimes don’t even want to admit to myself, let alone all of you reading this, but I feel I need to get it out there so that you can get a better picture of who I am and what we have been through and what we are still going through.

This past weekend was bad.  I was in a really foul mood, I snapped at poor DH a lot, but he was not the only victim and I’m ashamed of myself…  I thought the first few weeks after the miscarriage would be the worst, but I haven’t come through it yet like I thought I would.  I think I was in shock, and that reality is only now sinking in…

These last few days I haven’t felt like eating, or seeing anyone, or doing anything, except maybe sleeping.  I know I’m getting depressed again.  I’m also worrying about a lot of things, but mainly about finances.  Can we afford another IVF, and how long should we try, or should we maybe just give up altogether?  So far I’ve avoided talking about finances as I thought it would not be appropriate, but it’s becoming an issue now and I would not be truthful if I did not discuss it.

Throughout our married life we have never been well off – both DH and I do not have any experience that ensure a job that will pay a comfortable salary, and since DH was let go from the Police for post traumatic stress disorder it’s been even tougher. (That’s the reason we are not even considering adoption – who would give a baby to someone that suffered from post traumatic stress disorder?)  My poor DH has tried his best to provide financially for us, but he just cannot get a job – any job. (Mostly due to lack of qualifications, but also due to employment equity)  The only qualification he has that is worth anything is one he got 12 years ago for being a SAP consultant, but nobody has ever wanted to give him a job in that field so he has no experience – and what are the chances after 12 years?  Even though nobody wants to employ him he has tried his best to provide for us by being self employed – he is on to his 3rd business by now, but it’s going slow (due to the current economic climate).  I worked at a major SA bank for 14 years and it was almost always very stressful with very long working hours, for a relatively small salary.    So three years ago DH and I decided that I can quit so that we can try in earnest to get pregnant.  It had to be done like that as I would never have been able to get time off for FS appointments.  Definitely not for more than one month in a row, and the biological clock was ticking. (Here’s perfect proof that relaxing does not help to get you pregnant!)

The only reason this was even remotely possible was due to the fact that we sold our farm for quite a bit of profit.  We didn’t buy another property and have since been renting.  So we have been using those profits to fund our fertility treatments and have also been living of it.  Unfortunately it’s not a bottomless pit, and even though we have been living frugally, it has diminished considerably.  Yes, I know, not the wisest decision we’ve ever made, but we did not anticipate the credit crunch and we had faith that DH’s business would have taken off by now. 

We have made so many sacrifices to try and get pregnant – we don’t drive any fancy cars, and have never done so since we got married.  We have not spent a lot on furniture (we are still borrowing a couch from my parents and have never bought one since we got married, and it seems we won’t be able to do so for quite some time yet), we only buy clothes whenever necessary and then on sale or at the cheapest shops, we don’t go out often and we just buy the necessities when we buy groceries.   The only thing we have splurged on was a vacation to Mauritius two years ago, but if you take into account that we went camping on our honeymoon, I think we deserved it (we also got it on a special deal with a lot of discount!)  Even our wedding was a low budget affair – where we paid for almost everything as our parents could not really contribute. 

So it seemed to me that we just cannot get a break:  Most of our married life I was terribly unhappy in my job and DH has been screwed over by our lovely government as his case still hasn’t been settled by the compensation commissioner and it does not look like it ever will be (so we cannot even rely on a small pension). When we tried to make a better future for ourselves we spent R40 000 twelve years ago on his SAP qualification (it costs more than R200 000 now) but nobody wanted to take him seriously because he was a policeman or take a chance on hiring him (No one has much respect for policemen here in SA, even though they have the worst jobs ever: they put their lives on the line, they have to watch their buddies getting killed in action, they have to work in terrible circumstances and get to deal with corpses daily in cases of murders, suicide, and even digging dead babies out of trashcans) My DH has even offered to work for free as a SAP consultant for 3 months just to get some experience, but even that was not accepted… It feels like the only good things that have happened was that we met each other and got married and that we bought 2 properties for very low prices and managed to improve those and sell them off at a decent profit.  But since I quit my job, we cannot show a reliable income so we cannot buy another… 

You all know our TTC history by now, so you know that we have not had much success there either…  It made me despondent and it feels like we are taking a huge gamble by doing another IVF.  The success rates are rather low for the amount you are spending on it – If it was for something else we would not be so keen to pay any money towards it, especially if you take all the past failures into account.  I’m tempted to think that the next IVF will result in another pregnancy, but I’ve read too many true life stories to know that it doesn’t always happen like that… And I’ve learnt the hard way that a pregnancy does not guarantee a baby…

Sometimes it all just gets too much to handle, and then I just feel like giving up, that there is not much point in my life and that’s it’s not worth living… The only reason I have not given up hope completely is because of my dearest, darling husband.  I love him so much – he is such a loving, caring, patient person who tries his best to look after us and provide for us, in spite of all the adversities, and then he puts up with all my crap as well.  So yesterday afternoon I decided that I had to do something about my mood.  I spent the whole afternoon in Bible study, looking for comforting pieces to read on the internet and later just praying…  I did find some comfort, but I could just not settle down.

I feel so guilty, because I know that although I think we have it tough it is still nothing compared to other people’s struggles.  At least we have our health, food to eat, clothes to wear, a roof over our heads and the support of our families.  I’m still very fortunate to have been able to go for fertility treatments and for so many of them as well… If I close my eyes I see all the hungry people queuing for food at the feeding scheme I volunteer at, and how cold they are now in the winter time.  A lot of them are also homeless and they carry all that they own everywhere with them, and that is not much…

This morning during my Bible study I finally got comfort in the following scripture:  2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV):  16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

I forget very often what it is all about – it’s not about our lives here on earth and how much money we have or how many kids we get, but it’s about our salvation and where we will be spending eternity.  I often take my eyes of the big picture and think only of the smaller picture.  I get selfish and I want to satisfy my own desires and think of nothing else, and when I don’t get my way I wallow in self pity.  I’m not proud of that, but I’m glad that I finally feel a bit better and I cannot wait to meet my darling babies in heaven…

Ps.  Read this if you have lost a baby and are not sure whether your baby is in heaven.

Read Full Post »

So how am I feeling today?   Well, I started the day by phoning the sister at the clinic this morning to ask a few questions, and I burst out in tears again.  She is such a sweetheart, both of them are, and I must say in times like these that’s when you really appreciate it.  She thinks I need to see the councilor at the clinic – I’m not keen on that at all, because DH had seen many psychologists and psychiatrists years ago when he had post traumatic stress disorder and he just got pills – nobody was ever able to help him really – he had to work through it himself – the hard way.

I look like hell – My eyes are so swollen that I can barely see out of them (I cried so much last night…)   I have a terrible headache and my sinuses are blocked (also from all the crying). 

I don’t really know how I feel yet, except that I am incredibly sad.   I’m sad that we won’t be meeting our baby in January, that we will never know whether he/she has blonde/straight hair like me or dark/curly hair like my DH, or whether our baby has blue eyes like me or dark eyes like DH.  I wanted this specific baby so much… I’m so sad that my DH, whom I love so much, has to go through this pain…

I really enjoyed being pregnant – I loved the idea that there was life growing inside me.  I loved it when I was tired, or queasy, because it reminded me of our baby.  I loved the fact that DH was so excited about our baby.  We couldn’t wait for me to start showing.  We took pictures of my belly every Thursday so that we could see when I started to show (which didn’t happen yet as it was too early).  DH and I both loved my big boobs!   We now know the feeling of joy and excitement over our baby that’s on its way and we want to have those feelings again!

Now we will have to think about IVF again, and I really don’t want to.  I’m so sick of it.  I’m so sick of the emotional rollercoaster ride – I hate rollercoaster’s by the way (I’m terrified of heights).  I guess we will have to wait at least 3 months before we can do another IVF – I know my friend who has had 2 miscarriages had to wait 3 months every time, so I’m sure we will also have to wait.  The only thing that I keep on thinking about is my age…  If we wait 3 months then DH will be 40 already and I’ll be 39 and a half as I am exactly 6 months younger than him.  That will mean that if I get pregnant again I’ll be 40 when baby is born – and I really want 2 children, so that means we will have to try again when I’m 41… O, my headache just gets worse when I think about it…

I have so many questions – What went wrong?  Why did we have to have a miscarriage?  Why couldn’t we just have our baby like most people?  I read on the internet yesterday that the chances of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat at 7 weeks is 2% for normal people, but almost 15% for infertility patients over 35.  My FS said last year my chance of success with IUI was 15% per cycle and we did 3 cycles – why couldn’t I fall in the latter 15% but I had to fall in the first 15%? I mean we did 3 IUI’s so that’s 3 times 15% that did not work, but now on our first pregnancy I fall in the 15% that miscarry… 

I really believed this pregnancy was a miracle from God – so I can’t understand why it had to be taken away from us… I’ve been telling myself that God has a plan, and that plan might be better than my own plan.  I’ve been telling myself that God will give me strength to go through this difficult time.  I’ve been telling myself that I’ll come through this a stronger person, but none of it is a comfort to me now…

When I think of our long terrible journey with infertility and now this miscarriage, I think of how unfair it is.  But I also think of all the other ladies that I know of that have gone through terrible times.  There are so many, too many to mention each of them.  And quite a few have walked this terrible road for longer than we have.  Some have had so many miscarriages… Others have had many, many failed/cancelled IVF cycles… Most have spent a small fortune on fertility treatments… A lot have moved on to donor eggs/sperm/surrogacy in the hope of getting those much anticipated babies… Some have given up on their own genetics and are hoping to adopt… And some are hedging their bets by going through the adoption process and still trying IVF again…  And then there are those that are going through a combination of all these things I mentioned… My heart breaks for each them as much as it breaks for our own circumstances.   I just wish God can take pity on all of us, and give us each our own babies soon! 

Thank you to all who have left messages of support – we really appreciate it.  It does help to know that there are a lot of people praying for us, and thinking about us and who are sad with us…

Read Full Post »

Bad news:

Our scan this morning revealed no heartbeat – believe me the Dr looked thoroughly, there was nothing…  Baby measured at 7 weeks 6 days – I’m supposed to be 10 weeks tomorrow.  So this pregnancy was not meant to be.  I’m booked for a D & C for Monday afternoon.   

 We are heartbroken as we loved this precious little  baby so much already.

Read Full Post »

I had some bleeding yesterday, so we had a trip to the emergency room.  What a nightmare! All the dr on duty could tell me was that my cervix is still closed.  Luckily I got an appointment with my FS this morning – he is not worried about the bleeding, he says he can see it on the scan and its probably from the empty sac, and it should just get out.   But our baby’s heartbeat is too slow, and it measuring at about 8 weeks although I’m 9 weeks already.  There is not much the doctor can do for us, as I’m already on all medication that he can give me.  We’ll try another intralipid drip tomorrow if I can get hold of any!  All that we can hope for is another miracle! Both DH and I are so upset!

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »