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Archive for September, 2010

Yesterday I discussed a part of the chapter on Job from the book:  Are you rea.dy for your Hea.ling? By Dr Fr.ed Chil.ds.  The post was getting too long so I decided to share the last part today. 

“God Speaks

For 36 chapters God is silent and He listens to the debate between Job and his 3 friends.  In job 38, God speaks for the first time and the mood and direction of the debate immediately changes.  Job 38:1-2 (NIV) says:  1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:  2Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?”

The question God asks is a general condemnation for everything that had been said for 36 chapters.  God plainly said that what Job and his friends spoke was without knowledge and darkens counsel about who He is.  It only takes 1 question from God, and Job’s fiery tongue of blame and self-pity turn to humility in verse 3 and then repentance in verse 6.

Five steps to our deliverance

Step 1: Commitment – Job 13:15 (NIV) says:  15 Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face.”

Without the aid of the Bible to tell him who brings sorrow and destruction to our lives, Job thought it was God that “slayed” him.  People who do not know or practice what the Bible says, tend to blame God first whenever calamity arises.  Yet Job stated early on that he would remain committed to God no matter the circumstances.  Following Job’s example, we must stay committed even when we can’t figure out the reason or understand the meaning of our circumstances.  We must continue to pray and believe in healing, even when we are sick.  We must trust Him for deliverance even when there seems to be no hope.  We must continue to tithe and give even when we feel that we are not blessed.  We stay committed because of God’s Word, not because of circumstances.  God is still God and will deliver us if we stay committed.

Step 2: A personal revelation of God – Job 42:5 (NIV) says: 5 My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.”

Hearsay is at the root of all wrong views about God.  Without the aid of a Bible to tell him about God or the work of the Holy Ghost to lead him into all truth, Job was still able to receive a fresh, new revelation of God by observing the creation of God.  There will always be those who claim that healing is not for everyone because they knew someone who prayed and believed and they were not healed.  This is hearsay.  The truth is the opposite.  Despite what some have to say and the way things appear, if we receive our own personal revelation, we will believe for the impossible and say the unspeakable, calling things that are not as though they were.

Step 3: Repentance – Job 42:6 (NIV) says:  6 Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”

The reason that Job repented was not for what he did, but for what he said.  The Bible clearly states that Job sinned not, yet he was guilty of speaking words that he should not have spoken.  A necessary step in deliverance is for us to align our words with the word of God.  Proverbs 18:21 (NIV) tells us that:  21The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”  If we are to have life and deliverance we must speak it first.  In Mark 11:24 (NIV), Jesus said:  24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”  Many people short circuit God’s restoration plan for their life by negative speaking.  God still works through words. Psalm 19:14 (NIV) says:  14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer”  If we can have acceptable words, then certainly our words can be unacceptable as well.  We must guard our words.  Job himself said in Job 6:25(KJV):  25How forcible are right words!…”

Step 4: Forgiveness – Job 42:10 (KJV) tells us:  10And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends:…”

Prayer is not to be delegated.  If you want deliverance you must pray for it.  Again let us turn to New Testament light to interpret the Old Testament.  Mark 11:25-26(NIV) states plainly:  25-26 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”  Job has just been in a heated argument tainted with name calling and harsh statements.  Job is struggling with offence.  If God is to hear the prayer of Job, he must first empty the heart of ought towards others.  There is no better way to forgive and forget the offences of others than to pray for them.  If there is someone you are having a hard time forgiving or if someone has done something horrible to you, don’t look at them through the eyes of the offense.  Instead, look at them through the eyes of Jesus, who loved them so much that He died for them.  It will then be easy to pray for them and forgive them.  God turned around Job’s captivity only after Job prayed for his accusers.  The same is true for people today; we will never find restoration until we have emptied our heart of an unforgiving spirit and prayed for those who have offended us.  Matthew 5:11-12 (NIV) actually lets us know that those who have done injustice to us, are in reality, the key to our blessing:  11Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

Step 5: Service to others – Again I quote from Job 42:10 (KJV)10And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends:…”

The last step of Job’s deliverance occurred when he took his eyes off his needs and focused on the needs of others.  Philippians  2:4-7(NIV) says:  4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  6Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.”  Here we have the example of our lovely Lord.  We are told to be conformed to His image.  The example He sets for us is of a servant.  The greatest blessing you will experience is when you put the needs of others before your own.  God used Job to meet the needs of others and by doing so his needs were met.

The promise of no suffering?

The purpose of this study is not to convince you that we can go through life without suffering, for that’s not the case.  But it is intended for you to see ways in which we do and do not need to suffer.  The things that job suffered are an example of the things we do not need to suffer.  Jesus is out example, not Job, and He never suffered any of Job’s sufferings.  However, there were things that Jesus did suffer.  Hebrews 5:8-9 (NIV) speaks of Jesus’ suffering:  8 Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered 9 and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him”  Using Jesus as our example, we find that obedience follows suffering and the end result is maturity or perfection (completion).  The 3 ways that Jesus suffered are necessary for us to go through if we are to mature and fulfill our ministerial call.  These are:

  • Temptations of the flesh (usually brought about by Satan)
  • Persecution for the Word’s sake (usually by other people)
  • Consecrated for others (picking up and bearing our cross).”
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Another prayer request:

Please pray for our friend G who is going for his operation tomorrow.  The only treatment that might work is to have the surgery; his oncologist told him that there is no other option available…  G is firstly very lonely, and in this trying time misses his ex-wife a lot.  She left him 5 years ago, after a marriage of 31 years.  Please ask that the specialist surgeon will be able to get every bit of cancer out, without causing too much damage to G’s nose and soft palate, and that he will receive complete healing from the cancer and from the operation.  Please ask God to give G the strength to fight further, because it seems like he wants to give up at times…

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I got this e-book from Pastor A, who we saw for healing a while back:  Are you rea.dy for your Hea.ling? By Dr Fr.ed Chil.ds.  I’m still reading it, but there is a very good chapter about Job in there and I would like to quote from it.  You see I’ve been thinking about all the stuff that went wrong recently and wondering why and what can I do about it.  I cannot compare my life at all with Job, but it’s been really hard to deal with for me, and I need to get some clarity about it all.  This helped me a lot:

In the book Dr Fr.ed Chil.ds says that:  Job had limited knowledge of God and there are five reasons for that:

  1. “Job had no written Word of God so he had no references to teach him about God.  Job had no Bible.
  2. Living east of Palestine in the days of Isaac and Jacob means that Job was not a member of the chosen family.  As Ephesians 2:12 (NIV) says:  12 remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world.”
  3. Job had no preacher or prophet to instruct him.
  4. Job had no covenant because he was not of Abrahams seed.
  5. Job did not have the Holy Gost to lead or guide him.  Job was spiritually dead.

 How did Job acquire his knowledge of God?

Job learned about God through both his conscience and through creation (or nature).  Job lived in the days of Isaac and Jacob who had a promise of which he had no part.  Like all humans he had a conscience that allowed him to differentiate between what was right and wrong.  Job learned a limited amount about God through God dealing with his conscience.  Job was also capable of discovering certain principles of God simply by observing creation, or nature.

Romans 1:19-20 (NIV)  tells us that even without God’s word, man can still learn about God through the things we observe in nature or creation:  19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them.  20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities— his eternal power and divine nature— have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.”

Nonetheless we can still learn to some degree.  For example, 1 Corinthians 11:14 (NIV) says:  14 Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him?”   If we can learn the length of a man’s hair from observing nature, then so could Job.  But it’s only correct to state that Job’s understanding of God was less than complete and accurate.  Neither conscience nor nature provided Job with much light or knowledge about God, but it was all he had. 

So let us use the New Testament or greater light to interpret the book of Job.  The only New Testament scripture pertaining to Job is James 5:11 (KJV) which says:  11Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy.”

Notice first what James does not say.  James never speaks of Job’s suffering, but tells us to be inspired by Job’s patience and endurance and by something called the end of the Lord.  New Testament patience is defined as remaining constant during external pressure or circumstance.  Job was patient.  He never stopped worshipping God nor did he curse God.  That was what the devil wanted Job to do and Job did not yield to it. What then do we see about the end of the Lord?  It reveals that He is pitiful (compassionate) and of tender mercy.  The end of the Lord tells us that if we endure He will bring us back to the top.  The lives of Moses, Caleb, Daniel, Joseph, Esther, Ruth, and David do not inspire us because of how they suffered, but how they ended up!

Interestingly, God never addressed Job’s sufferings

Take note that not one time does God address the suffering of Job.  The reason is both astounding and simple:  the book of Job is not about suffering.  It is about how the Lord brings deliverance, redemption, and restoration to all who endure.  The message of the book of Job is not about how Job suffered, but how a man with no Bible, no prophet, no preacher, no promises, no covenant, and was spiritually dead (Job was not born again) had his health, wealth, and family relationships restored back to him.  We (on the other hand) have the Bible, prophets, preachers, promises, covenant, and the Holy Ghost living inside and guiding us.  The first and oldest book of the Bible was not written about suffering, but of restoration.

Our misconceptions and Job’s 5 mistakes:

There are 5 implausible things that Job and his friends say in the debate.  Sadly many preachers still use them to teach others about God.  Remember this debate rages between 4 men who have little to no knowledge about God.  Pastors, theologians, and Bible scholars for years have used these 36 debate chapters to define God and yet these men had very little knowledge of God.

How did these 4 men come to their conclusions?  Men will always arrive at erroneous conclusions when they interpret God in light of their circumstances void of the Bible.  The study of this debate will serve to illuminate the mistakes and wrong perceptions that men have of God when they interpret God through their circumstances and not through His Word.

Mistake # 1:  Job 1:21 (NIV) says:  21 Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”

Job’s wrong conclusion:  Since the Lord gave it, then He has the right to take it away.  But is that really right?  Let us view it through understanding of New Testament light.  Luke 9: 56 (KJV) says:  56For the Son of man is not come to destroy men’s lives, but to save them…” John 10:10 (NIV) says:  10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

How many times have you heard this scripture quoted at a funeral or from behind a pulpit, crediting God for the loss or tragedy that has taken place?  Why is it that we continue to repeat Job’s wrong conclusion?  Errors like this occur when we use Job’s shortage of knowledge and call it light rather than using light to explain Job’s lack of knowledge.  God adds and multiplies, Satan subtracts and divides.  God is not a taker, but a giver.  When things come to our lives that add no sorrow we know the source is God.  As Proverbs 10:22 (NIV) says:  22The blessing of the LORD brings wealth, and he adds no trouble to it.”

Mistake # 2:  Job 5: 17-18 (NIV) says:  17Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.  18 For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal.”

Job’s wrong conclusion:  God uses calamity and suffering to direct or bring good to our lives.  How many times have you heard someone ask the question after hearing about someone’s tragedy…”I wonder if that was the hand of God trying to save them or bring them back from the world?”  Let us again view it through the understanding of New Testament light.  2 Timothy 3:16 (NIV) says:  16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,” God does not need to stoop to copy the devil’s tactics and ways to correct or instruct our lives.  God uses His Word, His Spirit, His ministry, and His saints to correct or instruct those He loves.  Ephesians 4:11-12(NIV) edifies us saying:  11 It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, 12 to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up” God uses the Word, Spirit, and even ministry for correction and perfection, not calamity and hard times.

Mistake # 3:  Job 23: 8-9 (NIV) says:  “ 8 But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him.  9 When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.”

Job’s wrong conclusion:  Job’s lack of knowledge when negative circumstance surrounded his life mad him conclude that he did not know where God was or even how to find Him.  But New Testament light refutes that.  Hebrews 13:5 (NIV) assures us that:  5 …Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”  We know when we face the storms of life we do not need to find God because He is already here with us, even within true believers.  All we need to do is call on or recognize His presence.  The Word says He is always here.  There are even Old Testament confirmations from those who walked in times of more enlightenment than the days of Job.  Deuteronomy 4:30-31 (NIV) says that:  30 When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the LORD your God and obey him.  31 For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath.”  Job never read the words of the Psalmist which declared in Psalm 139:7-13 (NIV):  7Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?  8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.  11If I say, Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.  13For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”   We can justify that Job existed in the days before the Bible and the covenant.  What we can’t justify is our continued ignorance by repeating job’s mistakes in this age when a study of the Word of God plainly reveals Job’s mistakes about God.

Mistake # 4:  Job 2:10 (NIV) says:  10 He replied, You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.”

Job’s wrong conclusion:  Not only does God tempt us with good, but evil also.  New testament light corrects that faulty view of God.  James 1:13 (NIV) says:  13 When tempted, no-one should say, God is tempting me. For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone;” When evil comes into your life, don’t even think or say that God brought it.  Since Satan is the personification of evil, it is impossible for God to use Satan to tempt us. 

Mistake # 5:  Job 1:7-8 (NIV) says:  7 The LORD said to Satan, Where have you come from? Satan answered the LORD, from roaming through the earth and going to and fro in it.  8 Then the LORD said to Satan, Have you considered my servant Job? There is no-one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”  This is probably the worst misunderstanding of God in the life and Book of Job.  Bible scholars and ministers still today make this false assumption of God and base it on a faulty understanding of the book of Job.

Job’s wrong conclusion:  God calls Satan’s attention to Job’s life of love and devotion and then gives him permission to attack Job.  The Hebrew translation says:  “Hath thou set thy heart upon my servant Job?”  God was not goading Satan into attacking Job’s life.  God was letting Satan know that He as God was aware that Satan had his eye on Job.  God, who seldom interferes in the affairs of man, did not stop the attack.  However it is God Who has the keys to death, so He reminds Satan of his limits.  If Job’s suffering did not happen because of God and Satan working in collusion, then why did it happen?  1 Peter 5:8 (NIV) says:  8 Be self- controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  Notice the similarity of Satan’s actions in Job and in 1 Peter.  He goes back and forth seeking whom he may devour.  If Satan has to seek for someone to devour, apparently there are those he can and those he can’t devour.  God’s hand of protection is a covenant promise for His people, so it’s possible there was never a hedge around Job.  If Job did have a hedge of protection there is another explanation of why it was down.  There is a law in Proverbs 23:7 (KJV) that says:  “ 7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:…”  What we think shapes what we believe, and what we believe is what we become.  Job admits in Job 3:25 (NIV):  “25 What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.”  Fear will attract the devil.  Job received exactly what he had faith for.  The only difference between fear and faith is whose words you have faith in.  If we believe the words of God and what He has said, we receive what we believe by faith.  If we believe the words of Satan through the pessimist, we open the door for Satan to bring into our hearts and lives the things that we fear.  Fear is faith working in reverse, or faith that Satan perverts.”

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I have a brave mom:

We went away a bit for the long weekend and I’m so glad we did!   Just to get my mind off the stuff that I think of everyday!  At least for 3 days I had the minimum thoughts of infertility and my miscarriage and Shumi’s illness, and it was good to talk to other people about normal things again…

First we went to a farm of friends of ours from Friday morning to Saturday afternoon in the Waterberg.  There was absolutely nothing to do but watch some game (Zebra’s, Kudu, Impala, etc) and relax.  Then on Saturday afternoon we went to my uncle and aunt’s place at Zebula Golf Estate (it’s also a game farm).  That was a luxurious place and they had some interesting things on show like lion cubs, tiger cubs, snakes, birds, crocodiles, cheetahs and a lot more…

I particularly loved the lion and tiger cubs – they were so cute!  I was shocked to see how big their paws were.  They weren’t as tall as Shumi, but a lot stockier and their paws were huge!  About as big as Shumi’s head!

My mom and dad were also there, and I was shocked to see my mom.  Before Saturday afternoon, I had seen her on Thursday morning and she looked the same as always.  But Saturday afternoon she was wearing a scarf over her head, and when I asked her why, she said her hair is falling out from the Chemo.  When she removed it to show me she only had about 25% of her hair left…  Apparently it started falling out last Monday, but you couldn’t really see a difference until about Friday.  Sunday morning it was even worse – I couldn’t believe how much of her hair fell out overnight…

My mom says she’s still feeling very good under the circumstances, the worst is the tiredness and the hair loss, but otherwise she still has no nausea or vomiting or any of the other symptoms.  Her oncologist is very happy with the progress and my mom is so positive!  She had her second chemo treatment yesterday, and she is tired and a bit flushed from it, but she says otherwise she is fine.  She mentioned this morning that she has completed a third of all her treatments and after the next one which is on 21 October she will be halfway.   She also said that 2010 is going to be a good year; because that is the year she’s going to beat cancer!  I wish I could be so positive and optimistic about things…

Here are some pictures and videos of our weekend away:

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5113 Days happily married!

Today is our anniversary.  5113 days happily married, or 730 weeks and 3 days, or for those who have no idea how long that is – 14 years!  It’s been 14 good years, but also hard years.  I never knew what I promised that day 14 years ago when I said:  “for better or worse…” but I would still marry my love again in a heartbeat.

The last thing that I expected was to still be childless after 14 years – we didn’t want children straight away, but after 3 years of marriage we were ready and we officially started to try to get pregnant.  I was off the pill already for about a year and a half, but we were still using condoms at times (when I thought I was fertile – ha-ha! What a joke!).  I just worked out we are currently in our 140th cycle of TTC – I subtracted the time I was pregnant…

I often read on other’s blogs that they mention how many children friends and family already have, even though they started TTC before them so I want to do that comparison today as well.  When we got married my sister and her husband were still dating, DH’s brother was dating someone else, not his wife, and they both got married after we were already TTC.  Both have 2 children already – my sister’s 2 daughters are both almost 7 and 5, and BIL’s 2 sons are 3 and almost 5.  I have 3 cousins that did not even know their husbands when we got married and all 3 of them have 3 children already.  The oldest of those 9 children was conceived the same month I went for my 4th (please note – not the 1st) IUI – she is 8 years old already…  Every time I see that child I’m reminded that our child could have been as big or even bigger by now if any of the earlier IUI’s might have worked.  Fortunately we don’t see them often…  It’s also a good thing none of them want 4 children as some of them could have had 4 children by now if they wanted to…

This all has been on my mind the last few days, every time I thought of my anniversary.  The difficult thing to accept is the fact that there is a big possibility that we will never have children.  Some days I’m wondering if we should even still try because I definitely don’t want to babysit other people’s children, and I don’t really want to be close to babies…  And then there are times that remind me how close we actually were to having a baby, and how happy DH and I were to be pregnant, and how devastated we were about the miscarriage…

All I know is that if we had enough money lying around, we would have finished another IVF again, and I might have been pregnant again – or not…  Now I’m trying to rack my brain to find some kind of solution that we can actually try IVF again, but I just cannot seem to make a plan that will help within the next month or two…  We might be able to make a plan in a year or so if we both work hard, but my age is against me… Egg quality is already a problem – how much worse will it be in a year’s time?

This is turning out to be a really depressing post – I think I should stop and try to think of all the good stuff of the past 14 years – I really want to enjoy this day, especially for DH’s sake as it was a really joyous day 14 years ago!

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101 posts!

I saw after I posted my last post that it was in fact my 100th post. So I think I’ll rather celebrate my 101st post here! Since it’s almost ICLW I’ll also make this my ICLW introduction.  Welcome all new readers!

It’s been almost 6 months of blogging and have those 6 months flown by!  But so much has happened since I started this blog it should not be a surprise!  When I started this blog I was wondering if we should do another IVF, and scared out of my mind that it would result in another BFN. We did go ahead and we got our first BFP ever! I could not believe it at first; I was almost convinced it would never happen. At 7 weeks we had our first scan, and we found out that there was 1 healthy heartbeat and 1 blighted ovum. I was a little sad about losing the one, but a lot more happy about the healthy heartbeat! I focussed on the good news and not the bad news. Almost three weeks later I got the worst news ever – our little precious baby’s heartbeat had stopped beating. Something that I never thought would ever happen to me (how naïve!) I always thought that once I got pregnant that everything would be all right – that it would be the end of the struggle and problems, but not so! I had the D & C at about 10 and a half weeks.

In the mean time my mom also found out that her cancer had returned – her Para aortic lymph nodes were swollen, but because she didn’t trust her oncologist she went for a second and third opinion. It turned out after a PET scan that those lymph nodes were PET positive, which does not mean its a 100% chance of cancer, but most probably it is. Rather than taking chances the new oncologist suggested that she go for chemotherapy. She had had 1 session so far and is getting the second one next week Monday. She took the first chemo rather well – the only side effect she had was extreme tiredness, fortunately no nausea or hair falling out or any other symptoms. My mom’s oncologist said that the rest of the treatments will result in the same side effects as the first one, so she should be taking it all rather well. That was such good news for her!

We also found out about a month after our miscarriage that our beloved dog Shumi had a tumour in his nose and the 2 vets we had him at said that there is nothing they can do to treat or cure him. We were also told that he has a few months to live at the most. It was absolutely devastating news to us, especially if you take into account that Shumi is still relatively young at 5 years… Shumi is like a child and we absolutely adore him. I could not accept that I have to lose Shumi too, so in desperation I studied faith healing and even went to a healing service, not just for Shumi, but also for DH, my mom and myself… I am hoping for full healing for all of us…

We also got another puppy (KT), not to replace Shumi, but because I always wanted another puppy after our last one passed away more than 3 years ago already. She is absolutely adorable and I must say she does help to distract me from the worst of the broody feelings. I’m posting some more pictures and another video clip of Shumi and KT:


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Last week I was metaphorically speaking at a crossroads and had to make a very important decision. One I never thought I would have to make again, as I thought I had already made that decision quite some time ago.

You all know about Shumi and the tumour he has and the fact that we went for faith healing, not only for ourselves but also for my mom and Shumi. It’s been really tough for me lately especially after Shumi was diagnosed – I think that was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. Things seemed to be just too much to handle – I couldn’t cope with the infertility, the miscarriage, my mom’s illness and Shumi’s illness all at once. Things did seem a little better for Shumi and I believed for a miracle healing for him (the rest of us all too, but I cannot really say I can see any difference anywhere else, I certainly didn’t get pregnant last cycle…)

Last week Thursday, late afternoon, DH called out to me. I had heard Shumi sneezing, but I didn’t really think much about it. DH came into the room I was in and asked why I didn’t react to Shumi’s sneezing. Well? He was just sneezing wasn’t he? It’s no big deal…

Well, it was a big deal – there was blood everywhere… The blood came out of his nose and his left eye. There was blood on the floor and the walls and the stairs. Not a sight you want to see in your house… Suddenly I was hit with doubts and worries. What more can I do to help Shumi? Are we doing the right thing in believing he will get healed? What if he doesn’t get healed and he just suffers? I certainly don’t want him to suffer! I thought back to Wednesday morning when I got up out of bed and I let Shumi into the house. I let my hand go over his back and I suddenly felt a big hard bump on his back the size of a big egg, right where his shoulder blades come to his spine. At that stage I spoke healing and life over him and still believed that whatever it was God will heal it… But the combination of that big lump and all the bleeding got me into a frantic state – I was so upset, angry and worked up! I felt like I was going out of my mind – I tried to think of anything else that I can try to help him, and the only option that came into my head was maybe the vet is right… Maybe it would be kinder to let him go…

Friday I was kept busy all day – I had to bake 50 sweet potatoes for a fundraising dinner at church for the missionaries our church supports. I kept an eye on Shumi every now and again, but his nose was still bleeding and there was also still blood coming out of his eye… Saturday morning his nose bleeds had stopped but his eye was still not looking too good. It was more of a reddish watery discharge though and not pure blood. The sneezing had stopped though. I went on a street outreach with a few people from our church, to hand out tracts to people, talking to them about God, and Jesus, but my heart was not in it. I was mad – mad because it seemed that Shumi is dying and God’s promises don’t seem to come true. When I came back it was time for our nephew’s party. You know already what happened there…

Anyway, I think it’s because of the street outreach, I began to think – I need to make a decision. Either I’m going to believe God’s word is true, or I’m not going to do that. But that means that I must reject God completely… Either I believe everything in the Bible, or if I don’t then I can just as well reject all of it…  Believe me, it was hard to sit myself down like that and think in those terms, but it needed to be done…

Almost immediately I realised that I do believe in God, I do believe in Jesus Christ, and I do believe He paid the ultimate price for me… I cannot believe that there is no God. I cannot be an atheist or agnostic. I cannot believe in any other god… The other religions do not make sense to me – it’s all empty, because none of them have that ultimate sacrifice that Jesus paid for us.

I know I cannot change God into whom I want Him to be, that would be idolatry. Also, if I believe something in error about someone else – does that change the other person? No, they are still who they really are – my thinking is wrong, and it can never be made right, because I cannot change that person, no matter how hard I tried… So I came to the conclusion that I have to keep on believing what I believed so far. It doesn’t matter how things look, or what anybody else tells me. It doesn’t matter how sick Shumi looks, or DH, or my mom or how bad I feel, I have to believe that we are healed – even if I have not one scrap of evidence to prove it. Even if Shumi dies, I’m still going to believe in God and his promises, even if we never have children, I am not going to question God about it. I don’t understand these things, why all these bad things have to happen, but I’m going to trust God. He knows things that I don’t know, but I know the Bible says that He wants what is best for me. I don’t think I really know what is best for me…

In Shumi’s case I cannot trust in the vets, or medical science to help him get healed, because they said there is nothing more that can be done for him. I cannot rely on money to buy anything for the same reason. All the money in the world will still not make one bit of difference to the situation we are in now… I cannot even trust in any other human to help me in any way. All that could be done has been done. Now all I can do is trust God… As soon as I made that decision, suddenly I felt peaceful. No more stress and worries, I can do nothing more about it, only God can do anything about it, so there is no use for me to even think about it anymore… I decided that I will enjoy every moment I can with Shumi, I will appreciate him while we have him and that I will not get upset anymore. Instead of getting upset I will rather do something with him that he enjoys, like driving him around in the car, or taking him for a walk or playing with him or just giving him affection….

Do you know what the result has been? There is absolutely no more bleeding or snot, from his nose or his eye (for the first time in months!).  Sometimes it does look like there is a bit of watery discharge still coming out of both, but it looks 100% better! The lump on his back is still there but feels smaller – at first I didn’t want to get too excited about it, I was looking for reasons for it seeming smaller, but one day DH said out of the blue that it certainly feels a lot smaller to him. Shumi has so much energy – he is playing with KT a few times a day, and he certainly does not look sick to me. The only thing that has not improved is the fact that Shumi’s left nostril is still blocked, but I believe that he will be healed, so in my eyes it’s just a matter of time before it will open up…

This morning in my Bible study time I read the following verse: Hebrews 13:5-6 (NIV): 5 …because God has said, Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. 6So we say with confidence, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” My reference Bible explains it like this: “You can only find real rest and peace once you know and accept that God will provide for all your needs. If a Christian is materialistic then he believes that God will not provide for him what he needs. It happens a lot that a person wants security in a lot of money, when he doesn’t really believe that God will provide in all his needs. Off course we need to be responsible and do what we can, but without trust in God it becomes a purpose of its own. Prove that you trust God completely by not being miserly.” Now this text is about the love of money – but it spoke to me about other stuff too. The stuff we have come to rely on – people, medicine, doctors, the world, you can basically put in anything we often rely on…

Here is another scripture on trust in God: Romans 15:13 (NIV): 13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” This is exactly how I feel now – peaceful, joyous and hopeful… Thanks to the Holy Spirit!

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