What I’m going to say in this post is very hard to say. I’m being honest here about stuff that I sometimes don’t even want to admit to myself, let alone all of you reading this, but I feel I need to get it out there so that you can get a better picture of who I am and what we have been through and what we are still going through.
This past weekend was bad. I was in a really foul mood, I snapped at poor DH a lot, but he was not the only victim and I’m ashamed of myself… I thought the first few weeks after the miscarriage would be the worst, but I haven’t come through it yet like I thought I would. I think I was in shock, and that reality is only now sinking in…
These last few days I haven’t felt like eating, or seeing anyone, or doing anything, except maybe sleeping. I know I’m getting depressed again. I’m also worrying about a lot of things, but mainly about finances. Can we afford another IVF, and how long should we try, or should we maybe just give up altogether? So far I’ve avoided talking about finances as I thought it would not be appropriate, but it’s becoming an issue now and I would not be truthful if I did not discuss it.
Throughout our married life we have never been well off – both DH and I do not have any experience that ensure a job that will pay a comfortable salary, and since DH was let go from the Police for post traumatic stress disorder it’s been even tougher. (That’s the reason we are not even considering adoption – who would give a baby to someone that suffered from post traumatic stress disorder?) My poor DH has tried his best to provide financially for us, but he just cannot get a job – any job. (Mostly due to lack of qualifications, but also due to employment equity) The only qualification he has that is worth anything is one he got 12 years ago for being a SAP consultant, but nobody has ever wanted to give him a job in that field so he has no experience – and what are the chances after 12 years? Even though nobody wants to employ him he has tried his best to provide for us by being self employed – he is on to his 3rd business by now, but it’s going slow (due to the current economic climate). I worked at a major SA bank for 14 years and it was almost always very stressful with very long working hours, for a relatively small salary. So three years ago DH and I decided that I can quit so that we can try in earnest to get pregnant. It had to be done like that as I would never have been able to get time off for FS appointments. Definitely not for more than one month in a row, and the biological clock was ticking. (Here’s perfect proof that relaxing does not help to get you pregnant!)
The only reason this was even remotely possible was due to the fact that we sold our farm for quite a bit of profit. We didn’t buy another property and have since been renting. So we have been using those profits to fund our fertility treatments and have also been living of it. Unfortunately it’s not a bottomless pit, and even though we have been living frugally, it has diminished considerably. Yes, I know, not the wisest decision we’ve ever made, but we did not anticipate the credit crunch and we had faith that DH’s business would have taken off by now.
We have made so many sacrifices to try and get pregnant – we don’t drive any fancy cars, and have never done so since we got married. We have not spent a lot on furniture (we are still borrowing a couch from my parents and have never bought one since we got married, and it seems we won’t be able to do so for quite some time yet), we only buy clothes whenever necessary and then on sale or at the cheapest shops, we don’t go out often and we just buy the necessities when we buy groceries. The only thing we have splurged on was a vacation to Mauritius two years ago, but if you take into account that we went camping on our honeymoon, I think we deserved it (we also got it on a special deal with a lot of discount!) Even our wedding was a low budget affair – where we paid for almost everything as our parents could not really contribute.
So it seemed to me that we just cannot get a break: Most of our married life I was terribly unhappy in my job and DH has been screwed over by our lovely government as his case still hasn’t been settled by the compensation commissioner and it does not look like it ever will be (so we cannot even rely on a small pension). When we tried to make a better future for ourselves we spent R40 000 twelve years ago on his SAP qualification (it costs more than R200 000 now) but nobody wanted to take him seriously because he was a policeman or take a chance on hiring him (No one has much respect for policemen here in SA, even though they have the worst jobs ever: they put their lives on the line, they have to watch their buddies getting killed in action, they have to work in terrible circumstances and get to deal with corpses daily in cases of murders, suicide, and even digging dead babies out of trashcans) My DH has even offered to work for free as a SAP consultant for 3 months just to get some experience, but even that was not accepted… It feels like the only good things that have happened was that we met each other and got married and that we bought 2 properties for very low prices and managed to improve those and sell them off at a decent profit. But since I quit my job, we cannot show a reliable income so we cannot buy another…
You all know our TTC history by now, so you know that we have not had much success there either… It made me despondent and it feels like we are taking a huge gamble by doing another IVF. The success rates are rather low for the amount you are spending on it – If it was for something else we would not be so keen to pay any money towards it, especially if you take all the past failures into account. I’m tempted to think that the next IVF will result in another pregnancy, but I’ve read too many true life stories to know that it doesn’t always happen like that… And I’ve learnt the hard way that a pregnancy does not guarantee a baby…
Sometimes it all just gets too much to handle, and then I just feel like giving up, that there is not much point in my life and that’s it’s not worth living… The only reason I have not given up hope completely is because of my dearest, darling husband. I love him so much – he is such a loving, caring, patient person who tries his best to look after us and provide for us, in spite of all the adversities, and then he puts up with all my crap as well. So yesterday afternoon I decided that I had to do something about my mood. I spent the whole afternoon in Bible study, looking for comforting pieces to read on the internet and later just praying… I did find some comfort, but I could just not settle down.
I feel so guilty, because I know that although I think we have it tough it is still nothing compared to other people’s struggles. At least we have our health, food to eat, clothes to wear, a roof over our heads and the support of our families. I’m still very fortunate to have been able to go for fertility treatments and for so many of them as well… If I close my eyes I see all the hungry people queuing for food at the feeding scheme I volunteer at, and how cold they are now in the winter time. A lot of them are also homeless and they carry all that they own everywhere with them, and that is not much…
This morning during my Bible study I finally got comfort in the following scripture: 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV): “16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
I forget very often what it is all about – it’s not about our lives here on earth and how much money we have or how many kids we get, but it’s about our salvation and where we will be spending eternity. I often take my eyes of the big picture and think only of the smaller picture. I get selfish and I want to satisfy my own desires and think of nothing else, and when I don’t get my way I wallow in self pity. I’m not proud of that, but I’m glad that I finally feel a bit better and I cannot wait to meet my darling babies in heaven…
Ps. Read this if you have lost a baby and are not sure whether your baby is in heaven.
thank you SO MUCH for this post – yes, it was a hectic one, but i have been following your blog for a few weeks now and have been so comforted by it. the honesty and vulnerability you show is wonderful and inspiring. we have been TTC for nearly 2 years and are consodering our first IVF – a very daunting and expensive process as you well know. it is so good to be reminded of the bigger picture – we are citizens of heaven and our stay here is temporary. nonetheless i have been feeling the strain of this process. thank you for making me feel less alone. my prayers are with you.
nikki
Thanks for sharing M! You truly are a blessing to me. Your posts are always so honest. I pray that the Lord will bless you with children and with finances, and you’re right, its our destination that matters not our journey getting there.
Hi Marion
I always want to post a comment on your blog, which I read regularly, but I don’t normally do so. Why? Because I am always so amazed by your faith and your belief and your committment to God. It is so admirable that despite all you have been through, you have maintained this, when so many of us, me included, who have endured far less, have given into despair and cynicism so many times. BUT I did want to post today just to say please don’t be so hard on yourself. You have been through so much, you have a right to be angry and deflated and desperate and sad! You are NOT selfish, in fact I am amazed by the love and thoughfulness you seem to always have for others, despite your circumstances.
I think of you often and desperately hope and wish that soon, your arms will be filled, and all this hardship and heartache you have endured will finally bring you that which your heart so desires.
Wishing you love and strength always
I hate to hear the pain and hurt in this post. I am so sorry you have to be going through all of this but I am so glad you were able to get all of that off your chest. It’s your blog! It doesn’t always have to be positive…the truth is that we don’t always feel positive! God knows that! But He’s there to comfort us when we do feel down. You continue to be in my prayers…and now I know more specifically how to pray for you.