Yesterday morning I woke up from a nightmare. I dreamt we were celebrating mother’s day at my SIL’s house and she asked us all to say a short prayer of thanks for our mothers and I had to start. I just burst into tears and ran out of the house. I tried to hide somewhere because I was crying hysterically and it just would not stop. Eventually my DH found me and he said that he can understand that I’m crying – that I miss my mom – but that I don’t really look upset to him and I felt the implication of his words were that I was acting and over reacting. That I had to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself.
That upset me even more and made me cry even more. I can remember clearly that I shouted out to DH that it’s so unfair that this year mother’s day is once again spoiled for me, the first year that I’m actually a mother and now it’s also the first year without my own mother. Eventually I woke up, totally exhausted and very disturbed by the dream.
It still haunts me and I just can’t forget about it. I didn’t even consciously realize until I dreamt this dream how I feel about mother’s day this year. Now I’m dreading it.
I know last week I thought about what to get my MIL for mother’s day and I very quickly thought, “this year it’s just one present for me to buy…” Very quickly I did something else to avoid thinking about it further.
I guess I’ve been ignoring my feelings about my mom passing and I think it’s coming out in dreams, because I’ve dreamt about my mom a lot lately and a lot of the time she dies in my dreams again, and I cry and cry and cry…
I really don’t want to be sad a lot of the time, because I want to remember the first year of baby G’s life as a happy time, and I am happy, I can honestly say I am incredibly happy, but that means that I’ve really tried my best to ignore the feelings of grief about my mom. I don’t know how to find the balance here…
Fortunately my DH will never say those words and be so insensitive, and he was so sweet when I told him about the dream.
I guess I just miss my mom a lot… And I really wish my first mother’s day this year could just be a happy day…
Grief is a process, so be kind to yourself and try to remember all the reasons you loved your mom so much, this mothers day, and celebrate her life. XXX
Of course you will miss your Mom at this time Marion. I think it’s only natural. And much like when we were ttc you could be happy for a friend who was pregnant and desperately sorry for yourself, I think this is how you are going to feel when remembering your Mom’s passing for a while yet.
You will be able to celebrate the fact that you are finally a Mom while still grieving the loss of your own Mommy.
May you find peace in remembering your Mom on your first Mother’s day.
Much love
xxx
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Try to picture your mom rejoicing up in heaven with Jesus, watching you and baby G with so much love. Hope you have a good Mother’s Day!
Marion, give yourself some space- you are allowed to feel sad on mothers day. Thinking of you and sending you a hug.x
Marion, Happy Mothers’ Day!!! If your mum is watching from heavens with our heavenly Father, she would be so pleased that her daughter’s working wholeheartedly for her little grandson. I pray that time will heal your yearning for your mum. Hugs!